This is personal and I'll keep it vague so I don't get cussed out for my internalized fatphobia or such. I am having the worst day in quite a long time. I feel like such a loser for not being able to work anymore and for having to apply for disability. I'm not saying that people who are on disability are losers because I do not think and have never thought that. However, for as long as I can remember, I had it drilled into me that you need to be able to do your part or you are a loser, and having to get help from welfare programs is shameful.
On top of that I realize the way that people look at me and think of me because of my size. With pity, with disdain, or with both. All the while thinking that if I just tried harder, I could lose weight. Well, if I could lose it I would have. I'm actually pretty damn good at restricting food. Still fat. With my endocrine system, it will probably never be otherwise.
I wish that there was just one day when I didn't wake up to that damn internal tape playing, calling me all sorts of hateful names, most of them directed at my size, all of them meaning loser. This is why the whole "just love yourself" thing bothers me. I'll never love myself. I'll never think I'm even remotely attractive, let alone beautiful. Why can't I be allowed to just be neutral with myself?
Then I get mad at myself for whining about it.
I can't win.
I've been seeing a lot of this regressive thinking lately, the idea that the world's misery is due to evil feminist witches who don't smile enough, wear enough dresses, don't maintain their girlish figures, and don't put out enough for gross sexist men.
My blood sugar has been high lately. I know it's because of stress since I'm not eating anything different than usual. I'm not some kind of saint with my carb intake, but I do try to eat foods that are on the low rather than the high end, and I dose my insulin accordingly. When I'm upset I still have high readings.
I know I am supposed to "just calm down" and "just love myself." Yes, and I know I'm "just" supposed to lose weight too and be young, hot, and fuckable. Well, guess what, Bitch? Still old, fat, and repulsive. And I should be allowed to just live without being shit on for that. Seriously. I don't want to fuck you either.
(This is a generic "you," not "you the reader." Unless the person reading this is a fatphobic, sexist twat. In that case, it is you.)
Fat, Ornery, and Mad as Hell
Yes.
ReplyDeleteAnd as you know from conversations we have had I really, really don't get the 'love yourself' line. I don't. And view some at least of those who do with horror.
Some of them are so vehement about it. "You don't love yourself? WELL WHY DON'T YOU LOVE YOURSELF???"
DeleteIt seems to me that they don't really love themselves either, but they are so hell-bent on keeping themselves convinced that they do that someone who honestly says "I don't love myself" is a threat to their self-love screed.
The whole new age/pop psychology thing is yet another bad religion, which is why I distanced myself from it in 2010 after suffering through two and a half self-imposed decades of it. I had to excommunicate myself from it just like I excommunicated myself from the Catholic church at 18. It was doing me more harm than good.
The New Age/self-help thing is just as much a cult as fundamentalist religion, and its adherents can be just as nasty when you question their dogma.