Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Ugly Fat Old Failure Intro


Image created by the author with free-use elements from Pixabay plus text art and enhancements from Pixlr. Base images by Dina Dee and John Hain from Pixabay. The woman depicted is an AI creation, not an actual person.

The reasons for the war I am about to wage date back decades, even centuries in some cases. I was not around in this form centuries ago, but I may have been there in a different one. However, this book is not about reincarnation. I will strive to remain on topic. Having ADHD means going off on unrelated tangents is a far from slim possibility.

I am a woman. A large woman. A woman who has been on the planet for close to six decades. A woman whom no-one would ever mistake for cute, hot, pretty, sexy, or any other such thing that all women are supposed to be in order to be judged momentarily worthy of attitudes other than outright disdain. This explains the presence of the unflattering adjective Ugly in the title. Personally, I feel both Old and Fat are neutral descriptors, but all too many people use these words as insults.

As for the descriptor Failure, my reason for choosing that word stems from an article I read several years ago. Sadly, I don’t remember the name of the person who wrote the article. I believe she was a doctor attending a conference. When she expressed the opinion that shaming larger patients did nothing to improve their well-being and, in fact, prompted them to avoid seeking medical care, many of her fellow physicians laughed at her. One even commented something along the lines of “do you think coddling these losers will do anything to improve their failed lives?”

This is exactly the way many doctors feel about their larger patients. It is an attitude encouraged by medical schools. I somehow survived nursing school without offing myself or anyone else. Fatphobic attitudes are prevalent AND encouraged in nursing schools. They were also prevalent in the hospitals where I did my clinicals. In fairness, the staff at one of these hospitals treated a very large woman suffering from depression severe enough that she had become nonverbal and unable to care for herself with great kindness, never shaming her for her size or for not responding. It is one of the few times I have seen a fat patient treated with real compassion.

Fatphobic attitudes were not encouraged in the EMS program I attended. We were trained that our goal was to help patients get the care they need, not to scold or belittle them. Even if they were chronic substance abusers (known in the business as Frequent Fliers.) Even if they were extremely heavy. Even if they lived in squalid surroundings. The reasoning for this (sensible) rule was a practical one. Shaming patients does not encourage them to get the care they need. We are there to help them get care.

Here are your three options for reading the rest of the chapter:


Purchase the PDF for 100 LBC (approximately $1) on Odysee. This is the preferred option for anyone who would like to support my work but doesn't want to commit to a monthly subscription.


Subscribe to the $5 tier (Sneak Peeks) on Ream. This gives you early access to chapters from all my independent works plus Lil DeVille's naughty one-off stories if that's your sort of thing. 


Subscribe to the official Naughty Netherworld Press Substack. There are only two options with this one, free and $5 per month. The Substack subscription gives you pretty much the same thing as the Sneak Peeks tier on Ream. 

Wednesday, August 16, 2023

Fudge #WEP


If you're hell-bent on using this picture of a pan of fudge, go right ahead.

Critique guidelines:
Major points only. Given the subject matter, I can foresee this becoming a real shit show otherwise.

August 1

I made fudge. If you need a fast chocolate fix, this is the quickest ever.

1 bag of semisweet chocolate chips

1 can of sweetened condensed milk

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Pour the sweetened condensed milk and chocolate chips into a bowl and nuke them for one minute. Add the vanilla and stir until smooth. Pour into a parchment-lined 8x8 or 9x9 pan. Refrigerate for 2 hours. Eat.

This recipe is the epitome of me in the kitchen. I don’t do anything that involves a lot of prep work.

I am once again recovering from severe emotional dysregulation.

I feel hopeless. Even my writing is like horrible homework.

I want to do the writing part of writing and leave the promotion part to someone who knows what the hell they are doing. I am not a social butterfly. I am more of a social pill bug. If I see someone coming, I curl myself up into a ball and hope they won’t notice me. Unfortunately, at my size, it’s hard for them to miss me.

Social pill bugs tend not to be treated well, even at the doctor’s office. Dr. Deborah Serani, a psychologist who lives with clinical depression, writes about this phenomenon in her excellent Psychology Today article.


This vitally important takeaway from the article sizes up (Heh! See what I did there?) the attitude that heavy people and patients with mental illness just “aren’t trying hard enough.”

In 1948, The World Health Organization defined health as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being. Regrettably, it didn't take into account chronic illness or disease and the layered challenges individuals face with such conditions. While the definition of health has changed over the years, most professionals - and the general public - believe health is a state of well-being that a person "earns" or "maintains." This social construct goes like this:
If you eat well, you will be well.
If you exercise, you will be fit.
If you don't have good mental health, you just aren't trying hard enough.
And that those who can't, won't or don't achieve well-being are just weak, lazy - or worse - need to be shamed to get it done.

Shaming doesn’t work, but even doctors, who are supposed to be so much smartier than the rest of us, don’t understand this. If shaming worked there would be no addicts of any kind. There would be no fat people, and nobody would have mental health problems. Everyone would eat the exact right amount of the exact optimal kind of food at every meal. Nobody would drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or weed, snort cocaine, inject heroin, or become addicted to pills. Everyone would be content to do the jobs assigned to them by those in power.

I recommend re-reading Brave New World. Or reading it for the first time if you haven’t read it yet.

As for me, if hating myself thin never worked during the thirty-three years I tried to do just that, it sure as fuck ain’t gonna work now. The doctor should have berated my thyroid, which killed itself and thrust me onto the path to largeness when I was just thirteen years old. She should have berated my ovaries, which developed PCOS once I was old enough to menstruate. She should have berated my pancreas, which waited until I was 49 years old, but then joined my thyroid in death.

If anything, this woman of medicine who is so much smartier than me should have berated me for becoming bulimic at twelve and starting down a path of lifelong food insecurity, both self-imposed (dieting) and involuntary (not having the money to buy adequate supplies of food while social services tells me I make too much money to qualify for assistance.) Better yet, rather than berating an old broad coming to you because she has a fucking sleep disorder and the sleep specialist said she should, why not berate a society that allows food insecurity and pushes people to hate their bodies?


This doctor, by the way?

A pulmonologist.

I was there to find out if something was awry with my lungs, not to have bad drugs with serious side effects suggested to me on the slim chance (see what I did there?) they might turn me into the svelte, slinky vixen that every woman is supposed to be.

I am not unaware of my size nor of the theoretical correlation between my size and conditions. However, I’m working on making peace with my body and food because dieting and eating disorders (among other factors) have caused me serious trauma. Even if I remain at my current size (given my history, this is the most likely outcome) my overall health will still improve if I am receiving appropriate care for my underlying conditions.

I guess everyone would have been happier if I’d lived fast, died young, and left a good-looking corpse.

Fuck all of them.

I look out of my shell and realize I’ve failed at my goal of opening people’s eyes to the way bias against troubled people or those who don’t conform to a certain rigid standard of beauty and acceptability hurts the world.

I am aware that I’m ugly.

Those who puff up their egos by shaming those who don’t conform to their standards don’t realize they are ugly too.

I had a couple pieces of the fudge. I think I prefer cookie bars.

Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I don’t eat dessert after every meal or even every day.

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Image by HK Mennist from Pixabay

It should go without saying, but I know it doesn't. Comments such as "but it's unhealthy to be fat," "but if you just eat less and exercise more," and "but if you just tried the sawdust and metal shavings diet" are not welcome.

As for the first comment, I'm not going to waste time debating with you. Go read this book. 

As for the second comment, I am excellent at starving myself. It is my first reaction to being size shamed, along with suicide ideation. I can't engage in orthorexia the way I used to because of my back problems. Go read the aforementioned book.

As for the third comment:

Saturday, August 12, 2023

Another Book Beginning: Don't Write a Novella In 24 Hours


The following is an excerpt from another of my nonfiction WIPs. This one is called Don't Write a Novella In 24 Hours. 

  1. Introduction

First of all, it is necessary for me to state that I’m not trying to start a war with Andrew Mayne, the author of How to Write a Novella in 24 Hours. In fact, I recommend reading his book. It contains lots of useful advice in a small package. I particularly appreciated the building your author empire and book cover sections. However, I found attempting to do what the title suggests soul-crushing.


I bought the book back in April while attempting to complete multiple creative projects. I am generally capable of creating the first draft of a 20,000-word story in ten days.

Let me introduce my writing personas. Lil DeVille is my pen name for erotica and C. L. Hart is my pen name for pretty much everything else. My poetry persona is Ornery Owl, but I publish the works under my real name. I write on mental health and recovery topics as Cara H in keeping with the ideals of recovery programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

When writing works such as this one, I am not Cara Hartley, Aspiring Poet and Hack Writer. I’m just Cara H, a fatally flawed fuckup who would love to change the world but doesn’t know what to do. I’m no better or worse than anyone else.

Truthfully, I don’t have problems with thinking I’m superior to others. Believing I’m inferior comes naturally. Toning down the acid-tongued diatribe of my inner critic, whom I call Ayce Hole, is an uphill battle. Ayce Hole is pretty much every mean girl from every teen movie combined with every abusive headmistress. She’s flat-out awful. She and Rick Springfield’s inner critic, Mr. Darkness, would probably get on like a house on fire. They both want to watch the world burn.

If you’d like to read Rick’s autobiography, you can find it here.


I never would have guessed Rick Springfield was a kindred spirit. He seemed like someone who had it all. He’s good-looking and talented. However, looks and talent can’t heal deep emotional wounds.

Back to the April breakdown that inspired me to write this book.

I was working on a story called The Quest for Captain Sammy’s Treasure under the C. L. Hart pen name for potential inclusion in the Pirate Gold anthology from Dragon Soul Press. I’m happy to report that the story was accepted. You can follow this link to grab your copy of the anthology.


I was also doing a poem a day for potential inclusion in the Soul Ink anthology from Dragon Soul Press. I’m pleased to report that all 25 of the poems I submitted were accepted. You can purchase Soul Ink through the following link. I’m a poet, and I know it!


There are three options available to read the rest of the chapter.


Purchase the PDF for 100 LBC (approximately $1) on Odysee. This is the preferred option for anyone who would like to support my work but doesn't want to commit to a monthly subscription.


Subscribe to the $5 tier (Sneak Peeks) on Ream. This gives you early access to chapters from all my independent works plus Lil DeVille's naughty one-off stories if that's your sort of thing. 


Subscribe to the official Naughty Netherworld Press Substack. There are only two options with this one, free and $5 per month. The Substack subscription gives you pretty much the same thing as the Sneak Peeks tier on Ream. 

When I want to hear radio done right, I head for Last Scout Radio on Odysee. It's like old-school FM radio before it went to crap. 

Stick it to YouTube and subscribe to Odysee. It's free and you can find all sorts of cool and unique stuff. You can even create your own channel or channels and potentially make a coin or two. 

Wednesday, August 2, 2023

Insecure Writers Support Group 2 August 2023


August 2 question: Have you ever written something that afterwards you felt conflicted about? If so, did you let it stay how it was, take it out, or rewrite it?

The answer is I once wrote an entire book that I regretted. I've detailed this experience previously for the IWSG. Why not check out that post here?

That experience almost made me stop writing. Unfortunately for the world, I'm either too stupid or too legit to quit.

More recently, I had stories published in two different anthologies. I don't regret either of them.  Check them out below if you're so inclined.

Anthology Genre: 

Erotica, Steamy Romance

(various sub-genres)

Heat level:

Five Flames


Publication date ‏ : ‎ August 1, 2023

Buy Link:


$4.99 ebook

Book Blurb

Celebrate summer with this steamy collection of short stories, perfect for a beach read!

All proceeds will go to ProLiteracy to benefit adult literacy all over the world. Visit their website at https://www.proliteracy.org/

Book: Pirate Gold

Story: The Quest for Captain Sammy's Treasure

ASIN: B0C47Y85Y3

Publication Date: July 31, 2023

Genre (for the story): Action and Adventure, Paranormal Fantasy, Lovecraftian

Buy Link:


Price: $4.99 ebook

Book Blurb:

Treasure is within reach.

Nineteen original tales of swashbuckling glory are at your fingertips in this anthology. From pirates lured into traps, treasure hunting gone wrong, and epic battles on the open sea. From vengeful ghosts to gruesome mutinies. Living on the edge comes with high costs.

Featuring stories by Paulene Turner, James Romag, Maeve A. Baird, Matthew Fryer, Isa Ottoni, Bianca Breen, Charles Kyffhausen, Allison Tebo, Douglas Allen Gohl, Edgar Mahaffey, Jennifer Strassel, Stephen A. Roddewig, Robert Allen Lupton, K. Anders, Barend Nieuwstraten III, Melody Bowles, and C.L. Hart.

I am detecting a deficiency of 1970s German prog rock in your life. Allow me to remedy that tragic situation.