Fat Friday: Handsome Sam's Closet

 

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

Meet Handsome Sam. 

I'm about to tell my fellow generously proportioned ladies why you may want to raid Handsome Sam's closet.

Sam doesn't have any ladies' lingerie or dresses in his closet, other than the stray item of his wife's that gets mixed in with his washing sometimes. He's your ordinary average guy who wears ordinary average guy clothes. 

What Sam does have that a lot of big ladies want is comfortable and affordable tank tops and t-shirts.

I was scoping the Walmart site for plus-size ladies' tank tops. Finding nothing in my size that didn't come with an extra shipping charge, I tried searching for camisoles. That was even worse. Most of these items come with a built-in bra. 

Even though these camisoles are designed for larger women, the bra is somehow fitted for smaller women. I don't have remarkably large breasts, but somehow, these built-in bras either squash my endowment up to my collarbone or slide up over my boobage, rendering the bra useless. 

The other thing that happens all too often is the item I choose appears to be a simple cotton-poly blend tank top. Then I get it, and it's some sort of lycra nightmare that I can't stand having next to my skin. 

So, what's a big gal to do?

Follow Handsome Sam's lead and order a six-pack of men's a-line tank tops from the men's underwear section. These provide the perfect loose fit and extra coverage under a t-shirt for a bigger gal who doesn't have such a large endowment that she absolutely needs a bra but has enough of an endowment that she can't wear a t-shirt without a bra. 

Speaking of T-shirts, I can't stand the way the ones styled for women fit. Why do clothing companies think every woman wants a form-fitting T-shirt with teeny little sleeves? I buy unisex or men's T-shirts because I prefer a relaxed fit. 

There are a couple of things I won't be borrowing from Sam's closet: pants and underwear. My preferred underwear is what the cool kids call "granny panties." That's fine by me. I'm easily old enough to be someone's grandmother, and granny panties are comfortable. You'll never catch me wearing butt floss.

Some women say they prefer men's jeans or warm-up pants. I can't wear pants styled for men because I have a big butt, big hips, and big thighs. Men's pants aren't designed to accommodate a big booty, major hips, and hefty thighs. Even the pants made for big men are proportioned wrong for a woman with my shape. 

It's a good thing Sam's an easygoing guy who understands why ladies want to borrow his clothes. Sam has some advice for everyone who stops by his closet. Learn to love the skin you're in and take care of your body, whatever size it is. 

Diets don't work. Health At Every Size works for every body.

https://bit.ly/HAESCIE

"Only through extraordinary effort and education have I been able to free myself from my obsession with weight. Starting in early adolescence, I stayed abreast of the day-to-day differences on the scale. Convinced that I would be more popular if I weighed less, I started dieting to escape a weight problem that only existed in my head. I would endure weeks on a semi-starvation diet until my desperation for food drove me to eat everything in sight. I thought there was something deeply wrong with me because I could not control my unrelenting drive to eat." 

From the intro by Lindo Bacon.

Hangry Wyrm

Free use image from Clker Free Vector Images

"Fat or thin, you gotta feed the body you're in! Am I right, Ornery?"

Ornery Owl

Free use image from Open Clipart Vectors

"Exactly right, Hangry!"

Who the Hell Said You Could Write?

Free use image by Chenspec on Pixabay

I honestly thought I published this post three days ago. I think I'm losing what was left of my mind.

 I can’t recall anyone telling me to pursue a paid writing career. My family discouraged me from entering any creative occupation, despite my father's background as a professor of literature and social sciences. I ultimately followed my parents' wishes and entered the healthcare field. Ironically, working in this field destroyed my health.

I later learned that my father hoped I would become a professor of Middle English because of my early interest in the subject. I was a precocious language learner. By the time I was four years old, I was reading Dr. Seuss' books. By six, I was reading Edgar Allan Poe.

Scarier still, I related to Edgar Allan Poe. I was not a particularly happy child. I never felt like I belonged. I realized at a young age that the world was a scary place filled with awful possibilities. Perhaps childhood should be carefree and idyllic, but it’s naïve to believe it actually is.

These days I find myself wishing I could travel back in time and tell my parents, “I know you’re doing what you think is right because of what you learned from your own families, but you need to stop and rethink things. You are really fucking up this child, who, in the future, will become the horrifying swamp witch you see before you. You are fracturing her fragile eggshell mind before she even learns how to critique a concept to see if it holds up. You are contributing to the creation of a neurotic, traumatized soul who has no self-confidence or belief in herself.”

I can’t do that, though. I don’t have any sort of time machine or portal spell that will allow me to journey to the past and talk sense to my parents or push my bullies into a mud puddle if I’m feeling benevolent or a fire ant hill if I’m feeling less so.

I grew up in New Mexico. I learned to hate fire ants early on. I’m surprised I haven’t written a horror story about fire ants yet. Or maybe I’m not. I really don’t care for stories about creepy crawlies.

I’m not sure what my intention is with this blog. I keep trying to reinvent my online presence. There are certain things I’ve learned along the way, but I’d feel like a bullshit artist if I tried to present myself as some kind of know-it-all expert.

I do know I’m done screaming into the void, hoping someone will sympathize with my pain and validate my existence. I can only speak from my own experiences. I can’t force others to care about me. If I help someone else by exposing my foibles or relating my misadventures, it’s a win.

Word Nerd Bonus

If you'd like to see a comparison between the first draft of this post and the finished version, hop over to Readers Roost.

https://ornerybookemporium.blogspot.com/2024/07/shameless-self-promotion-inspiration.html

I removed 50 filler words and restructured sentences and paragraphs to enhance clarity and readability. Both versions of the post convey the same message, but the second one does so more efficiently.

Free use image from Open Clipart Vectors

Insecure Writers Support Group 3 July 2024

 

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

July 3 question - What are your favorite writing processing (e.g. Word, Scrivener, yWriter, Dabble), writing apps, software, and tools? Why do you recommend them? And, which one is your all-time favorite that you cannot live without and use daily or at least whenever you write?

This post contains affiliate links for products I use and recommend. 

Finding a productivity program that didn't require me to change my writing style has been a hero's journey. The other programs I tried were not bad; they were just not the right fit for me.

I attempted to use Novel Factory, but it did not align with how I write, so I canceled my membership. There's nothing wrong with Novel Factory; we just weren't on the same page. For another type of writer, it may be ideal.

I enjoy using Dabble for weekly writing sprints. A pro membership is in my future, primarily to take advantage of the workshops available only to pro members. 

I have Scrivener. It's a quality program, but I find it difficult to use. There's a similar learning curve to Photoshop. A productivity solution where I feel like I need to work through a certification program to use it isn't for me. 

As it happens, I obtained a certification in Photoshop in 2012. These days, I prefer Pixlr. But this post isn't about graphic design software.

I'd pretty much given up on finding my dream productivity program. I went back to writing my story in Word while making notes in Notepad or Libre Office. Then, I found the Holy Grail of writing programs when a member of the Passionate Ink community mentioned AutoCrit during a weekday morning writing sprint.

AutoCrit's ability to analyze my documents impressed me. My plan was to use it in conjunction with WordTune for editing. However, I soon realized a pro AutoCrit membership offered so much more. 

I discovered the benefits of AutoCrit's many free workshops and pro member clubs before it finally hit me that the all-in-one writing productivity program I didn't think existed was right there alongside the analysis and editing software I was so impressed with.

I can't imagine going back to my old writing method now that I have AutoCrit. It allows me to have a handy all-in-one outline and planning sheet just a toggle away while working on my draft. It also has an additional notes feature.

After I finish my document, I don't even need another program to start analyzing and editing. WordTune is still my second-pass copy editor after running the document through AutoCrit, but that's just me. 

Follow my link to take AutoCrit for a test drive.

https://bit.ly/SelfEditEasier

QuickWrite isn't productivity software, but I use it often as an adjunct tool. I mostly use it for tasks such as generating title ideas (for some reason, I suck at this) or creating a story prompt for me to hone down all the wild ideas that start circulating in my head when the time comes to write a new story. You can check it out here and see if it can help you too.

https://bit.ly/ChooseQuick

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Free use image by Jim Cooper on Pixabay

"Follow my method, and you'll be a published author in no time, Space Jockey. I guarantee your fellow Bluesians will devour your advice on the creation of the perfect crop circle."

https://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html

Apparently, I'm a glutton for punishment.

I'm doing the July iteration of Camp NaNoWriMo AND the Scribbling Through Summer Challenge.

https://scribblingthroughsummer.com/

I'm completely knackered just thinking about it.

The Big O: Overwhelmed, That Is

 

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

What did you think I was going to say with that title? Get your mind out of the gutter! That sort of thing is Lil DeVille's territory, not Ornery Owl's. If you'd like to get your mind in the gutter, head over to Lil DeVille's Amazon author page.

https://bit.ly/LilDeVilleAmazonAuthor

A wise soul once noted that people are overwhelmed or underwhelmed. Nobody is ever just the right amount of whelmed. Why is that?

Anyway...

When I began writing this post, I had in mind to share some sort of philosophical treasure with the world. Instead, I will perform one of my idiotic ADHD tricks, which is what often happens when I attempt to write an admission of vulnerability or advice post. Oh, look, a 

VORPAL RABBIT!

You thought I was going to say squirrel, didn't you? Silly you!

Yeah, I already lost interest and/or thought twice about admitting vulnerability.

It isn't that I don't think people can tell I'm a hot mess—that's pretty obvious, at least if you ever set eyes on me or read anything I've written. My reluctance to share my vulnerabilities stems from the many times I have been victimized for such decisions. 

In any case, I'm feeling overwhelmed. We have a new (as of last September) refrigerator that isn't working and a 25-ish-year-old dryer that went kaput. I'm not as upset about the dryer. It functioned well over the years, with a technician being called in only once to repair the door. Since it's warm weather, I can hang clothes over the banister, and they'll dry. Before the weather turns cold, we will purchase a new dryer.

I currently cannot prepare foods such as yogurt or dishes with significant leftovers. I like to make large portions of chicken or roast and use them in recipes over the course of a few days. We've had to cram the essentials into a mini-fridge because, like I said, our new refrigerator already went belly up. Before I continue, heed my words.

Never, and I mean do not ever, buy an appliance from Hisense or Mora. They are the same company. They make subpar equipment. Their support line is abysmal. The actual people I've spoken to are fine, but their system sucks. There is no way to bypass the automated support robot at the beginning of the call. This means you're sitting there for at least five minutes with that stupid thing. 

Then, who knows how long it will take them to get the part and have the technician out here? I have to have my phone at my side like a lovesick teenager, hoping my crush will call. At almost 60 years old, I need that shit like I need catastrophic organ failure. I just want the damn appliances I purchase to fucking WORK for more than a few months. Of all the one-star experiences I've had, this one is the one-starriest.

I can't forget about you, Colorado Department of Revenue.

My tax refund check was cut in mid-May. I anticipated its arrival at the end of May. However, it may not arrive until the middle of June. Now I have to haunt the post office like a lonely kid waiting for a letter from a pen pal who may have stopped writing. Yes, I'm dating myself. I always date myself because nobody else will go out with me! Ha!

Let's not leave you out of the mix, AmeriGas. There is one drawback to living in a rural area: propane is a suckass, expensive fuel. We have weatherization people coming in next week. I hope they can help us insulate this building so that we can lower the thermostat in the coming winter. 

Grocery prices are ridiculously high, and I get $1600 per month from Uncle Sam. If I don't do some kind of work, Medicaid will only pay for my Medicare B premiums but no medical services. I've opted to perform my own podiatry because, without Medicaid, it costs me $50 a pop to see a podiatrist. If I had to return to the ear doctor, I'd have to pay out of pocket. 

Not sorry, but fuck everyone who doesn't think we need a universal healthcare system in the US. Yes, I know countries with universal healthcare systems have problems too. That doesn't mean the US doesn't need a universal healthcare system.

I had a horrible night last night. I kept waking up screaming, "NO!" I can't even remember what I was dreaming about, but evidently, I'd had enough of whatever it was. 

It was probably a non-functioning refrigerator, a busted dryer, or a tax refund check standing in the distance, mocking me like some asshole leprechaun thumbing his nose while gesturing to his pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

Ornery Owl Has Howled Into the Void

So I'm gonna let Bartok take this one.

Insecure Writers Support Group 5 June 2024

 

Image by Werner Moser from Pixabay

June 5 question - In this constantly evolving industry, what kind of offering/service do you think the IWSG should consider offering to members?

Why are you asking me to do this "thinking" stuff so early in the day? It's still three minutes before the crack of noon! 😉

Anyway, I've narrowed it down to a list of ten items.

1. Book marketing and promotional services

2. Author branding and platform building

3. Manuscript editing and proofreading

4. Publishing consultation and guidance

5. Industry networking opportunities

6. Book cover design and formatting services

7. Distribution and sales support

8. Author website and social media management

9. Reader engagement strategies

10. Book launch event planning

11. Copyright and legal assistance for authors

12. Self-publishing support and resources

13. Author workshops and training programs

14. Translation and foreign rights representation

15. Author mentorship programs

You could compile a bank of volunteers and also a directory listing professionals who specialize in the above services. For instance, I am a line and copy editor who is a member of ACES. Volunteering my services would help me connect with potential repeat clients, so it would be a win-win situation.

https://aceseditors.org/about

In the meantime, anyone who is interested can check out my services and prices through the following link. 

https://ornerybookemporium.blogspot.com/p/ornery-literary-services.html

https://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html

Insecure Writers Support Group 1 May 2024

 

Image by Chen from Pixabay

May 1 question - How do you deal with distractions when you are writing? Do they derail you?

I'll just answer this with brevity in a way that explains everything.

I have ADHD. 

Distraction is my middle name.

However, I can also be hyperfocused. 

So, to sum things up, the answer is yes and no. 

It's the story of my life.

Oh look, a squirrel!

Anyway, sorry I'm late with this. I had a bad reaction to the latest COVID shot, was running a high fever, and was so weak I needed help to put laundry into the machine and to make some Jello for my woozy stomach. 

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Free use image from Open Clipart Vectors

How bad did I feel, you ask?

It was like I went on a week-long bender drinking every bum wine on the shelf.

http://bumwine.com/

https://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html

A to Z Challenge 2024: Day 26: Zeroing In

 

Image by hopid permana from Pixabay

This character's name is Zero Two Darling. She's what came up when I did a search for zeroing in on Pixabay. She's a human klaxo sapien hybrid, and you can read more about her here. 

https://darling-in-the-franxx.fandom.com/wiki/Zero_Two

We’re zipping to the end of this challenge and also to the end of the month. I need to zero in on not being a slavedriver with myself because it zaps the zest from activities I have a zeal for.

I’m also sticking a fork in the Camp NaNoWriMo challenge for April 2024. There will be another Camp NaNoWriMo in June, and I’ll do that one too because I’m a masochist.

It’s 10:30 and I need to get my Zs.

I hope I sleep better tonight than last night.

It seems sleep and I are seldom on the same page.

~Ornery Owl Has Zpoken~

Image by thank_you from Pixabay