Tuesday, October 13, 2020

Esther Jones: I Just Live Here: OctPoWriMo 13 - I Was Caged

Esther Jones: I Just Live Here: OctPoWriMo 13 - I Was Caged: I didn’t know I was caged, Bound by tradition and fear. For years inside I stayed, Unaware I was queer. Bound by tradition and fear, I...

Good work with the form! It was a lucky thing for me that I wasn't gay or bisexual, because the town I grew up in and the people I knew were super homophobic. It was so bad that one night when I had an erotic dream about a female classmate, who completely would not have been my type if I was gay, I sat there for a good hour wondering fearfully if I was "turning into a lesbian." That story may seem funny now, but at the time I was truly terrified of the possibility.

I'm still not entirely sure what that dream was about. I know that sex dreams usually aren't about sex. One positive thing that came from it was being forced to realize just how bad my own internalized homophobia was. I didn't hate gay people, but the possibility of "turning gay" was so terrifying to me that I was fairly well incapacitated for an hour. It made me examine the reasons for that feeling.


  1. Love that you learnt from that dream - and wish that many more phobes (of various types) were open to learning (and changing).

    1. I do too. These days the rigidity is just as bad on the left as it is on the right, but it takes a different form. With the right, it's still religious-based. With the extreme left, if one says anything at all critical of the idea of being able to self-identify as whatever one chooses to (including bearded men with meat and veg fully intact being able to call themselves women and go into women's changing rooms) or giving children puberty blockers and hormones to medically transition them, one is branded a TERF (trans exclusionary radical feminist) which is basically a signal that this person can be abused with impunity. I've been called a "TERF cunt" numerous times simply for stating that giving puberty blockers and hormones to children is not a good idea.
      I tend to be very medically conservative because most medications are not benevolent. Puberty blockers should only be used in cases of precocious puberty. They have serious long-term effects, including early onset osteoporosis.

    2. How I wish that medication was seen more often as a last resort, rather than the first.

  2. On a side note, as an adult I had an erotic dream about Queen Latifah, and when I woke up, I laughed. I said "well, at least Queen Latifah is someone that I actually would be interested in getting together with if I was gay."


This is a safe space. Be respectful.