Fat Tuesday: Because Fat Isn't Just For Fridays Anymore

 

This is personal and I'll keep it vague so I don't get cussed out for my internalized fatphobia or such. I am having the worst day in quite a long time. I feel like such a loser for not being able to work anymore and for having to apply for disability. I'm not saying that people who are on disability are losers because I do not think and have never thought that. However, for as long as I can remember, I had it drilled into me that you need to be able to do your part or you are a loser, and having to get help from welfare programs is shameful. 

On top of that I realize the way that people look at me and think of me because of my size. With pity, with disdain, or with both. All the while thinking that if I just tried harder, I could lose weight. Well, if I could lose it I would have. I'm actually pretty damn good at restricting food. Still fat. With my endocrine system, it will probably never be otherwise.

I wish that there was just one day when I didn't wake up to that damn internal tape playing, calling me all sorts of hateful names, most of them directed at my size, all of them meaning loser. This is why the whole "just love yourself" thing bothers me. I'll never love myself. I'll never think I'm even remotely attractive, let alone beautiful. Why can't I be allowed to just be neutral with myself?

Then I get mad at myself for whining about it.

I can't win.

I've been seeing a lot of this regressive thinking lately, the idea that the world's misery is due to evil feminist witches who don't smile enough, wear enough dresses, don't maintain their girlish figures, and don't put out enough for gross sexist men. 

My blood sugar has been high lately. I know it's because of stress since I'm not eating anything different than usual. I'm not some kind of saint with my carb intake, but I do try to eat foods that are on the low rather than the high end, and I dose my insulin accordingly. When I'm upset I still have high readings.

I know I am supposed to "just calm down" and "just love myself." Yes, and I know I'm "just" supposed to lose weight too and be young, hot, and fuckable. Well, guess what, Bitch? Still old, fat, and repulsive. And I should be allowed to just live without being shit on for that. Seriously. I don't want to fuck you either.

(This is a generic "you," not "you the reader." Unless the person reading this is a fatphobic, sexist twat. In that case, it is you.)

Fat, Ornery, and Mad as Hell

Ornery Owl

Free Use Image from Open Clipart Vectors on Pixabay

Fat Friday: Weight Loss is Not the Happily Ever After that Diet Companies Want You To Believe

 

How a lot of people think

I would love to be able to discuss carbohydrate intake and eating disorder issues without some fucking fucknugget concern troll always bringing the conversation back around to weight loss.

These fuckers always think that the only kind of eating disorder a fat person can have is binge eating.

I actually do not binge eat. I used to, but I don't anymore and haven't in years. I didn't stop because I became a saintly Thinlier Than Thou. I stopped because when I started treating my diabetes, the ravenous cravings that I used to have for simple carbohydrates were quelled. I stopped because when I was forced to quit working high-stress jobs that left my mind entirely numb and left me feeling like an empty vessel, I was able to consider my meals in a more analytical fashion.

What I actually have problems with is food restriction.

Type 2 diabetics have issues with paradoxical fasting highs.

I'm actually great at restricting food. Today, I've been restricting food since I woke up at 6:15 this morning. I have to hold off on eating for a half-hour after I take my thyroid medicine. That half-hour usually turns into several hours.

So, I'm great at food restriction. Still fat. 

My son isn't fat, but he's on the stocky side. He's prone to skipping meals, not because he's trying to lose weight, but because he doesn't feel like eating or he gets busy and forgets. Still stocky.

Here's the thing. It should not be about whether I'm fat. Since I'm diabetic, a big part of the focus should be on my A1C and blood glucose readings.

However, neither of those should be used as a reason to shame a person either.

Here's the other thing.

STRESS.

It drives up blood glucose.

It drives up blood pressure.

When you create a climate of self-loathing, you create a climate of constant stress. 

Stress increases cortisol.

Cortisol promotes weight gain.

However.

"Fat is the very worst thing a person can possibly be, and food insecurity and stress increase a person's chances of getting fat, so I shouldn't encourage dieting and self-loathing" should not be your reason for not being an asshole to someone.

Just don't be an asshole.

I would like to discuss my diabetic and eating disorder issues without fucking diet talk, fat-shaming, and thin praising always pushing their way into the conversation.

Fuck a whole lot of that shit.

Ornery Owl has Spoken

Fat and Ornery

Free Use Image by Open Clipart Vectors on Pixabay

Hangry

Free use image from Pixabay

Fat Friday: That Which Doesn't Kill Me Doesn't Kill Me

Image by Виктория Бородинова from Pixabay

I wish I was like the woman in the above image: a tough badass who gave no fucks and who will kill your ass without remorse if you cross her. Unfortunately, I'm actually more like:

Image by Vicki Lynn from Pixabay

I am an unwanted thing that has managed to remain alive through a degree of resourcefulness but mostly fate or dumb luck. 

I am not stupid. I am well aware that most people see me as "other." They don't want me around because I am not pretty and not "normal."

I don't tend to encounter too many incidents of overt size hate in my everyday life. Most people keep their damn fool mouths shut. Store clerks don't treat me with derision. Your average person doesn't tend to see it as their business to say something shitty about my body to my face. I've found that as I've gotten older, people have been a little less directly awful about it. Older women are invisible anyway in this society, which affords me a little protection.

The "othering" is all around me, though, and don't even think about telling me that it isn't there. I see it in every shitty ad that pops into my Twitter or Facebook feed encouraging "intermittent fasting" (otherwise known as an eating disorder with a stamp of approval) or a "lifestyle change" (otherwise known as a diet.) 

I see it in every crappy "so and so lost weight and now they look amazing" bullshit clickbait headline. Because they couldn't possibly have looked amazing while fat. Only thin people look amazing. I see you.

I see it in the fact that advertisements never include fat people just doing stuff. There are no fat people just modeling clothes without it being pointed out that these clothes are for THE OTHER. There are no fat people just drinking a beer with friends. There are no fat people having a meal unless it's being pointed out that this is diet food to make their fat ass temporarily thin. There are no fat people walking without it being pointed out that if you exercise you might not be fat and horrible. Fat people never get to just BE.

You can tell me to "just ignore it" or to "love myself no matter what anybody else says." That's all fine and good, but I can't shut off the analytical part of my brain. I see the fact that I am "other," that I am reviled, that I am The Outsider. 

No matter how much I may want to, I can't not be aware of being THE OTHER. I'm fat, not stupid.

The answer is not for me to do whatever it takes to become what others think I should be in order to stop them from bullying me. The answer is for all of us to say NO to the bullshit, to not laugh at the shitty jokes made at the expense of big people, to call out the bullies rather than ignoring them.

"But Cie, that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!!!11!!!"

No, that which doesn't kill me just hasn't succeeded in killing me.

I am alive and I persist despite being told that I should bow down. But that doesn't mean that I don't hurt every day of my life, and that doesn't mean that my initial feeling about myself when I first wake up before my rational mind kicks in isn't utter self-loathing for something that should be considered a neutral attribute.

Fuck a whole lot of this shit.

Ornery Owl is Fat, Ornery, and Pissed Off 

(But I only have a picture of her pissed, so that will have to do)

Free use image from Pixabay by Open Clipart Vectors

Fat Friday #15 + Ornery Reviews: How To Define Yourself by Chuck Clifton

Yet Another Unoriginal Positive Thinking Tome Complete With Fat-Shaming Icing on the Unpalatable Cake

Rating: One out of Four Stars

Disclosure: I received a free copy of this book for review purposes

You are welcome to read my exclusive review of this mess for the Online Book Club.

Main positive takeaway:

This book is brief. This means that you can get angry quickly. The more quickly you get angry, the sooner you can recover from being angry and focus on better things.

Main negative takeaway:

Pretty much everything about this book. It started out as a generic "Positive Thinking" tome and devolved into a body-shaming mess complete with a picture of a Headless Fatty wearing a shirt several sizes too small, a fat guy who apparently does not own any dish towels so he licks his plate to clean it, and the erroneous and asinine assumption that All Fat People Are Fat Because They Are Always Stuffing Their Fat Faces With Bad Food. Never mind that many larger people are food insecure or that there are big people who do EVERYTHING RIGHT and somehow are still fat, or that there are thin people who eat All The Wrong Stuff and lots of it and yet are still thin. 

I do not recommend this book to anyone, so I am not providing a link to it.

It isn't often that I find a book I hate so much that I give it a one-star review. This book is one of two that I've reviewed this year which earns that dubious distinction.

~Cie the Ornery Old Lady~

I recommend this book instead. It is the last diet book you will ever need.

Fat Friday #2: A Constant Barrage of Hate Leads to Suicide Ideation--Shocker!

Dear Debby Ryan:

Your garbage fat suit doesn't look anything like an actual fat person's body or face. Fuck right off with that shit.

Love,

An Actual Fat Person Who Is Sick to Death of This Kind of Bullshit

This is a response to a post on Medium Daily Digest by Your Fat Friend.

A lot of the time, Medium Daily Digest is a trash fire of self-congratulatory mental masturbation. However, there are a few pearls of wisdom among the rubbish. This post is one of those pearls.

The following is my response to said post:

Oh, Honey, if I could reach through the computer and hug you, I would.

I will tell you first off that I'm a fat adult. I'm also a mythological creature. I'm a fat adult who is food insecure. I only eat one or two meals a day. I am not so disabled that I can't work at all, but I can't work anything even close to full time. I don't get food benefits. But I can't possibly exist because fat people are constantly stuffing our faces, amirite? The thing that makes my situation even worse is the fact that not only does the entire world think I'm a glutton when I'm half-starved, there is this horrible personality in my brain whom we can call ED.

As you may have guessed, ED stands for Eating Disorder.

ED praises me when I starve myself.

The thing is, all of society's revulsion and all of ED's praise don't mean doodly squat. I'm still fat. Not "a little bit chunky" fat. Full on fat. 300 pounds fat.

With all of my endocrine problems, it's extremely unlikely that I'll ever be anything but fat.

I yo-yo dieted, engaged in orthorexia, and tried to hate myself thin for 33 years.

When I was young, I would lose weight with my dieting attempts. It always came back with friends. Once I was in my late 30's, the weight stopped coming off. 

I finally discovered size acceptance and Health at Every Size.

Maybe if I'd stop receiving constant messages that I'm disgusting and worthless, I wouldn't always be thinking that I wish I had the courage to end things. Believe me, I hate myself. I despise what I see in the mirror. I think I'm the worst kind of failure. I'm not even allowed to see myself in a neutral light, let alone a positive one.

Shows like "Insatiable" do nothing to help. 

By the way, is that trash still on? I gave it a thumbs down immediately. I was utterly disgusted. When I was still able to work as a home care nurse, I would sometimes watch the Disney channel with my patient. I thought that Insatiable's star, Debby Ryan, had created a really cute show with "Jessie," which she both produced and played the lead role. I was utterly disgusted with her for going along with this "Insatiable" garbage.

You're fine the way you are. I'm fine the way I am. It's our society that's messed up and wrong.

Here's a link to my comment if you want to give me hand claps for it or something.

Conclusion:

Fat people are not here to be the butt of your shitty jokes for your shitty TV show or anywhere else. 

Fat people are bullied to the point of mutilating our bodies and sometimes to the point of suicide, and society sanctions this behavior.

Fuck right off with that shit. If you're the kind of person who sanctions bullying and scapegoating, you need to check yourself, because you're an asshole.

Also, fuck your concern trolling about fat people's "health." If you care so much about my "health," give me some fucking money so I can purchase adequate food. That will go a long way to improving my health.

Oh, but I can only be "healthy" if I'm fuckable in your eyes?

That's what I thought.

Fuck right off with that shit.

~Cie~

13 Things I Would Like To See Disappear

Here are some things that I'd like to see gone.

*Weight loss "compliments."

*Size shaming

*Fat bashing

*Thin praising

*Weight loss being touted as the answer to everything

*"Flattering" clothing (aka "it makes you look thinner")

*Terms like "tummy tamer" and "thigh hider" on swimwear

*People going on and on and on and on and on about their latest die-t or their "weight loss journey." Did you have a good poop today too? 

*Larger people only appearing in movies and television shows to be ridiculed or to show how they go from being fat and "ugly" to being thin and "beautiful"

*Teaching girls to hate their bodies from an early age

*Sexy clothing for little girls

*Sexed-up Halloween costumes

*People resorting to ad-hominem attacks rather than focusing on behaviors