I Eat Myself

  

Free use image by Christian Dorn on Pixabay

https://pixabay.com/illustrations/bulimia-anorexia-nervosa-4049661/

There is no calm at the eye of this hurricane

 I attempt to be stoic while confronting the fiasco

Of fools who think it is their duty to command in patronizing voices

That I oughtn’t to overeat

When I am sitting at the table

Minding my own business while having a cup of gelato

I am not given to overeating or veisalgia these days

I do not enjoy the feeling of having overdone things

But despite my tendency to moderation, which is no-one’s business but my own

People who don’t even know me take it upon themselves

To be throwing their derision in my direction

Because I dare to exist in public while fat

And even to eat where I can be seen sometimes

I try to stand sturdy like an ilex

I try to bear up under the heat like irons in a fire

I try to add a ferrule of positive thinking to my arsenal of weapons

But I can feel the whirlwind of self-loathing brewing in my psyche

Turning my soul indigo in the face of disdain known all too well

There will be no waterfall of tears

I learned long ago not to cry

But the desire to destroy myself surfaces in my soul

The need to vomit up all I eat rises in my gullet

The self-loathing starts to consume me, and I wish I could eat myself from within

Nibble myself down bit by bit until I disappear

I once wanted to be pretty

Now I just want to be invisible

I can rail about the fact that my body betrayed me

My endocrine system went awry

Fat is what I am

Regardless of what I eat or how little

Though I damn well should not have to feel beholden to explain such things

And nor should anybody else

When you see a fat person that you don’t know

You can say hello with a genuine smile in your voice

Just like you would say to someone you wanted to fuck

Now, wasn’t that easy?

No need to moralize anyone’s body or food intake or appearance

No need to make anybody feel

As if they should eat themselves until they waste away

~cie~

369 words

prompts used

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/2020-november-pad-chapbook-challenge-day-4

https://poetsandstorytellersunited.blogspot.com/2020/11/weekly-scribblings-44-eye-of-hurricane.html

https://myjustsostory.blogspot.com/2020/11/words-for-wednesday.html

note

The brand spankin' new Weekly Scribblings badge was created at http://pixlr.com by me using a free use image by Pencil Parker on Pixabay.

Here are links to the definitions of the lesser-known words appearing in the poem.

Veisalgia

https://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Veisalgia

Ilex

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ilex

Ferrule

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ferrule

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The Icky, Sticky, Nit-Picky Legalese If You Please (Or Don't Please)

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Fat Friday: Weight Loss is Not the Happily Ever After that Diet Companies Want You To Believe

 

How a lot of people think

I would love to be able to discuss carbohydrate intake and eating disorder issues without some fucking fucknugget concern troll always bringing the conversation back around to weight loss.

These fuckers always think that the only kind of eating disorder a fat person can have is binge eating.

I actually do not binge eat. I used to, but I don't anymore and haven't in years. I didn't stop because I became a saintly Thinlier Than Thou. I stopped because when I started treating my diabetes, the ravenous cravings that I used to have for simple carbohydrates were quelled. I stopped because when I was forced to quit working high-stress jobs that left my mind entirely numb and left me feeling like an empty vessel, I was able to consider my meals in a more analytical fashion.

What I actually have problems with is food restriction.

Type 2 diabetics have issues with paradoxical fasting highs.

I'm actually great at restricting food. Today, I've been restricting food since I woke up at 6:15 this morning. I have to hold off on eating for a half-hour after I take my thyroid medicine. That half-hour usually turns into several hours.

So, I'm great at food restriction. Still fat. 

My son isn't fat, but he's on the stocky side. He's prone to skipping meals, not because he's trying to lose weight, but because he doesn't feel like eating or he gets busy and forgets. Still stocky.

Here's the thing. It should not be about whether I'm fat. Since I'm diabetic, a big part of the focus should be on my A1C and blood glucose readings.

However, neither of those should be used as a reason to shame a person either.

Here's the other thing.

STRESS.

It drives up blood glucose.

It drives up blood pressure.

When you create a climate of self-loathing, you create a climate of constant stress. 

Stress increases cortisol.

Cortisol promotes weight gain.

However.

"Fat is the very worst thing a person can possibly be, and food insecurity and stress increase a person's chances of getting fat, so I shouldn't encourage dieting and self-loathing" should not be your reason for not being an asshole to someone.

Just don't be an asshole.

I would like to discuss my diabetic and eating disorder issues without fucking diet talk, fat-shaming, and thin praising always pushing their way into the conversation.

Fuck a whole lot of that shit.

Ornery Owl has Spoken

Fat and Ornery

Free Use Image by Open Clipart Vectors on Pixabay

Hangry

Free use image from Pixabay

Fat Friday: Tone Deaf

Don't you just hate it when you've managed to start pulling yourself out of the psychological sewer of despair and had the personal fortitude to back away from the suicide booth although your body is doing horrible shit up to and including activity which inflicts literal cognitive changes, and it would be easier just to die and get it over with, and along comes a tone-deaf concern troll who proceeds to unleash a coronal mass ejection of NOPE all over your post? I know I do.

Would you, reading this paragraph:

I have to fight all the negative messages about my body several times a day every day and probably will for the rest of my life. Forget "loving" my body. I would be happy to be able to just ACCEPT my damn body and move on. But jerks who begin sentences with "it's okay to love your body, but..." do their level best every day to make sure that I will never even be allowed to just accept mine.

Decide to argue that the most relevant thing the person who wrote that paragraph can do for their health is to fall back into the clutches of diet culture and begin trying to hate themselves thin again. I know I...

MOST CERTAINLY WOULD NOT DO ANYTHING OF THE KIND!

I mean...

What the actual fuck.

Concern trolls always think that the rules don't apply to their sage wisdom.

I don't know, y'all. Sometimes I think I'm just done.

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

Fat Friday: Shutting Down the Concern Trolls

This is my response to a post by Ragen Chastain about shutting down concern trolls.

Have you ever tried keto/paleo/whole 30/intermittent fasting?

a: I have, but I care about my health, so I don’t do that anymore.

I had kicked diet culture to the curb before "keto" came along, but I did Atkins twice and a couple of Atkins clones. I ended up feeling like I was going to pass out, I was moody as all fuck, my brain was even foggier than usual, and I felt sick most of the time. I don't remember if it was with Atkins proper the first time or with one of the clones, but my hair became very brittle and started coming out in handfuls. No fucking thanks.

As for "intermittent fasting," that's what I do when my abusive partner ED (eating disorder) comes in swinging and knocks me for a loop. I restrict my food intake (usually full-on starving myself) for a day or more and either sleep so I don't eat or sit there mired in self-loathing. Yeah, that seems very healthy, don't you think?

Fat and Ornery

Image copyright Open Clipart Vectors

About Me Monday: Ornery and Sly: Stop the Bullying and Stigma

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Today isn't FOAD Thursday, but "The Biggest Dickweed" and anyone who supports it can FOAD every day. Please read about and sign the petition to stop this horrible, hateful garbage from being resurrected.

If you're one of these people who are so indoctrinated into diet culture (I was one of those people for 33 years, and it never made me thin, it just made me miserable) that you believe that shaming and bullying large people "for their own good" is a great idea, here are some key points refuting that belief.

This show caused so much harm to the health of contestants and viewers alike by perpetuating weight stigma. Since the show went off the air, we have research related to how weight stigma and yo-yo dieting actually harms people in larger bodies. Additionally, there is research from prior Biggest Loser contestants indicating long term negative effects:

Participants not only gained the weight back due to a slowing of the metabolism but that participants had increased leptin levels that cause extreme hunger: 
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/health/biggest-loser-weight-loss.html

From The National Association of Eating Disorders:
“Weight stigma, also known as weight bias or weight-based discrimination, is discrimination or stereotyping based on a person's weight. Weight stigma can increase body dissatisfaction, a leading risk factor in the development of eating disorders.” 
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/weight-stigma

From Abby's Kitchen:
DANGEROUS SECRETS FROM THE BIGGEST LOSER & MY PETITION TO MAKE IT STOP
“A study published in the Journal of Obesity suggested that watching even one episode of the Biggest Loser increased hateful weight bias among viewers! This is particularly concerning to me when there are children watching, as it’s easy to sense and duplicate the disgust for fatness when they see it in their peers or even themselves."
https://www.abbeyskitchen.com/nutrition-dangerous-secrets-biggest-loser-my-petition-make-i/

From Today’s Dietitian:
January 2018 Issue

The Health Impact of Weight Stigma
By Carrie Dennett, MPH, RDN, CD
Today's Dietitian
Vol. 20, No. 1, P. 24

“The health risks of weight discrimination are consistent with the observed effects of racial discrimination.”

Being the target of weight stigma increases the risk of poor mental health outcomes, including depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem, suicidal thoughts and behaviors, and eating disorders. These associations happen regardless of BMI, so it's unlikely that body weight itself is a cause.”

“Harrison says. "The majority of the clients I've treated for disordered eating cite bullying or shaming for their weight by parents, peers, coaches, or health care professionals as the initial trigger for their issues with food."
https://www.todaysdietitian.com/newarchives/0118p24.shtml

My reason for signing the petition is this.

Promotion of size shaming and eating disorders does not equate with "health."

I have had an eating disorder since I was twelve years old. I was not fat at twelve, but I was so terrified of becoming fat that I became bulimic. 

I never felt direct hatred for fat people, but I saw the way that they were bullied and shamed. I was already the target of bullying. I couldn't bear the idea of the bullying being stepped up if I got fat. 

I am fat at this point. Not the "I feel fat" kind of fat. (By the way, "fat" is not a feeling.) I am really, genuinely, truly fat, and yes, I am "that" fat. My size, like everyone's size, results from a combination of factors. The first and most important factor in determining a person's body type is DNA. 

One of the waitresses I worked with at the job I had eighteen years ago was a tall, sturdy young woman. One time in the break room she ended up telling me about her sister, who was bulimic and anorexic. She told her sister: "we're big people. We come from a line of big people. It isn't natural for us to be skinny." 

So, which sister was the "healthier" of the two? The one who accepted the way she was built and went on with her life, or the one who was so obsessed with the idea of becoming thin that she was going to extremes to manipulate her body to a perceived point of acceptable slenderness?

By the way, health is not a measure of personal worth. I am not asking which of these sisters was more worthy of being treated with common decency. They are both worthy of that.

I had a very difficult time during this past holiday season. My feelings of self-worth plummeted to the depths. I ended up starving myself. I also ceased my daily walks. I didn't feel motivated to walk, and I felt as if everyone was staring at me and judging me. Also, walking can be painful for me. No, not because I'm fat. I was fat back when I was waitressing. I was fat when I was working as a nursing assistant and later as a nurse. These jobs contributed to the spinal problems I now have. So did engaging in behaviors consistent with orthorexia, such as spending five hours a day at the gym on my days off from work. My size did not.

I don't know how people can fathom that it's okay to say whatever they want to a big person. Okay, I actually know how it happens. It happens because larger people have been othered and dehumanized. One of our neighbors saw me having trouble shoveling the snow off the porch. He came over to help. In fairness, he wasn't trying to be cruel, and I think he is in the early stages of dementia. But this is what came to his mind, and what society has led him to think is perfectly okay to say.

"My wife was built like you. She was obese. But at least you're trying. She didn't try, so she died."

If you think that "obese" is a harmless word, think again. Obese is a shaming, othering, dehumanizing word which leads to people being denied proper health care and even basic respect. Obese is a word that kills people.

I'm fat. I'm not stupid. I know when I'm being condescended to. I know when I'm being looked down on. I know when I'm being othered.

Sometimes my bad attitude prevails and I let the middle finger fly and go on about my life.

Sometimes I get broken and relapse into unhealthy behaviors (starving myself) and self-loathing.

I got broken over this holiday season. I starved myself, and I stopped taking my walks because I felt like I was being watched and judged and the walks weren't bringing on the almighty WATE LOOZE!!11!!! Which, of course, is the only thing that matters.

I am getting back in the saddle and charging back into action on my very large horse.

So, if you're one of those people who thinks it's okay to behave badly towards me and others who look like me because we don't fit your criteria of beautiful or fuckable or because we don't fulfill your criteria of perfect "health"...

Let's face it. It's never really about health. 

You may expect that this is where I tell you to FOAD.

Actually, I'm going to ask you to read the words above mine again.

Then I'm going to ask you to go read these blogs.

Big Fat Science
Dances With Fat
Heavyweight Heart

If, after reading those blogs you still think it's fun to ridicule fat people or concern troll fat people or you still think The Biggest Dickweed is good wholesome entertainment for the family...

Then you can fuck off forever.

Fat and Ornery

Image copyright Open Clipart Vectors

Sly and Snarky

Image copyright juliahenze @123rf.com

The last diet you will ever need.
 

Fat Friday #18: Wouldn't It Be Nice for a Diabetic to Find Low-Carb Options Without the Weight Loss Shilling?

So I ordered something from Amazon which ended up being fulfilled by Wal-Fart, and there was a free sample of an Atkins lemon bar in there. I ate it, and it was pretty tasty. I decided that as a diabetic, it might be nice to have a supply of these things on hand for those times when I want candy but don't want to inject extra insulin.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a product that was a tasty snack with a low glycemic impact where it's true purpose was being helpful for diabetics rather than SO U CAN LOOSE WEIGHT!!11!1!1 AGAIN!!11!1!1 FOR THE TEN FUCKING TRILLIONTH TIME!!11!!1! UNLESS YOU'VE ALREADY DIETED SO GOD DAMN MUCH THAT YOU'LL NEVER LOSE ANOTHER POUND IN YOUR LIFE UNLESS YOU FUCKING GET CANCER!!!1!1!1!1

Yeah. I hate that shit. 

It's like if I eat one of these things I have to do it in a dark closet or something because otherwise, people will start congratulating my WEIGHT LOSS EFFORTS!!!11!1

Like, no.

I'm 999% done with that shit.

I will never diet again.

Diets don't work.

Fuck diets.

I don't care about the number on the scale.

I'm concerned about the one on the blood glucometer.

As for exercise, I'm not doing that to fucking LOSE WEIGHT!!!11!!! either. 

I'm trying to rebuild my strength and endurance.

I'm not able to go very far very fast yet. 

"But you'll get stronger..."

Sounds good, I hope I do.

AND THEN THE POUNDS WILL START COMING OFF!!!1!1!1

Fuck right off before I power-slam your ass through a wall. I may be physically compromised, but the rage inspired by crap like that will make me a beast.

Fuck your fucking weight loss rhetoric.

Just let my diabetic self enjoy the god damn Atkins bar.

Fuck's sake.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

FOAD Thursday: A Love Letter to Richard Marx

Popstar Richard Marx has proven beyond the shadow of any doubt that he truly should go eat a bag of dicks.

Wow, @richardmarx , nice. Someone invents something that could help the sort of person who can walk but not very far at a go, whether that reason be pain or weakness, and you have to say something shitty. I used to like you, but not anymore. Fucking ableist prat. 

Yes, I tweeted this at him. So disappointing. I loved his album "Rush Street." I played it over and over. At this point, fuck him. I don't care how good a singer you are, it doesn't make up for you being an utter knob.

I can't stand up for long periods of time before I start having severe pain in my right leg. Walking is better than standing, but I have to take a lot of rest breaks. I'm trying to rebuild my strength, but my worth is not dependent on my being able to do so.

Since @richardmarx has proven that he is not just a musician but also an ableist douche canoe, I have a little song I'd like to dedicate to him. He can pucker up and kiss my disabled ass. Having trouble walking & standing does not make a person worth less. Nor even does being "unfit," you sanctimonious, bigoted, asshat, self-righteous concern troll.

Richard Marx can take his "concern" for the American people's "health" and shove it where the sun don't shine. He can also go pound sand up his ass, go piss up a rope, go hump a stump, go eat a bag of dicks, go fuck a cactus, and, last but not least, FOAD.

It's really disappointing when your heroes turn out to be dickwads. 

Fat Friday #6: Shockingly, Concern Trolling and Size Shaming Fail To Make People Thin

Image by Dina Dee from Pixabay

This is my response to a post by This Fat Old Lady regarding the fact that children who are bullied for their size tend to gain rather than lose weight.

I surmise that part of the reason for this is because being bullied is stressful. Excess stress causes overproduction of cortisol. Excess cortisol contributes to weight gain. Cushing's syndrome is a condition which causes overproduction of cortisol. However, one need not have Cushing's syndrome to present with overproduction of cortisol.

Yes, I certainly appreciate everyone who was "concerned" over my weight and who praised me whenever I starved myself because the worst thing anyone can possibly be is fat. They did me a world of good, and I became svelte and beautiful with petite, delicate features and married a billionaire who treats me like a queen.

Oh, wait. None of that happened.

Here's what did happen.

I developed an eating disorder at twelve. I yo-yo dieted until I was 45 years old. I tried to hate myself thin for some 33 years. Shockingly, it didn't work.

At this point, I'm fat and food insecure. Even though I often eat nothing for most of the day, I'm still fat. This is probably partly due to my endocrine problems, but it's also due to the fact that eventually, the diets stop working altogether.
My hunger cues are pretty well gone. I don't feel hungry when I wake up. I start planning ways I can restrict my food intake instead.

You see, instead of the billionaire who treats me like a queen, I ended up marrying ED.

You may have guessed that ED stands for Eating Disorder.

ED praises me when I starve myself.

All ED's praise for my food restriction, whether intentional or unintentional, doesn't do doodly-squat towards making me the thin, conventionally attractive hottie that I'm supposed to be. My body refuses to lose weight at this point. I may be malnourished AF, but thin I am not. And unless what happened to my fat great-grandmother happens to me, I probably never will be.

My great grandmother was five feet tall and weighed 300 pounds. In her late 70's, she developed acute myelogenous leukemia. She dropped from 300 pounds to 95 pounds within the space of a year, and then she died. But hey, at least she cut a svelte figure in her casket, amirite? Because fat is the very worst thing a person can possibly be. Even worse than being dead.

~Cie~

Don't like my fat body?

Here's my fat finger instead.

My Body is not a "Defense" Against Men Finding Me Attractive

This is my response to a post on The Mighty regarding behaviors in people who have been sexually assaulted.

It has long been postulated that women who have been sexually assaulted gain weight as a defense so that men won't find them attractive. I used to subscribe to this disgusting notion myself. I certainly no longer do.

I prefer to sleep in a confined space such as a couch or a single bed which is up against the wall. Also, I don't like to be touched. I don't think about what happened much, but it is always there.

Also, I feel the idea that a person gains weight to make themselves "unattractive" is offensive and outmoded. Fat =/= unattractive. Fat also =/= unhealthy. There are healthy and unhealthy people of all sizes.

I have a myriad of endocrine problems and it is doubtful that I will ever be thin unless I become catastrophically ill. I get extremely tired of the odious assumptions made about people with larger bodies. 

Regardless of my body size, I have worn baggy clothes since I was in my teens because I didn't like being ogled. I was wearing loose, baggy clothes every time I was assaulted, cat-called, or groped.

My body is not a "defense" against men finding me attractive.

My body is simply my body, whatever size it may be. 

Conclusion: I really give no fucks whether anyone finds me attractive or not. I have more pressing things to be concerned with than trying to win unofficial beauty contests every second of my life. I am not looking for "love" in all the wrong places or any other place either. I am not interested in a relationship, a one-night stand, or even flirting. 

If you find me attractive, well, whatever. I'm sorry, but I have nothing to offer you even if you think I'm the most gorgeous ham-planet to ever grace your planet. If you don't find me attractive, also fine. I really don't give a shit. Move along and find someone else to bother.

Judging other people's looks is so incredibly banal. Yes, we all have knee-jerk reactions, but why is it even accepted to bleat your odious observations to the world? My reactions to people's physical appearances are either I find them physically attractive or I find them neutral. There is no-one who is ugly on the outside. Only a person's behavior can mark them as ugly in my eyes.

As for the whole BUT TEH FAT IS UNHELTHEEEEEEEEE!!!!111!!! screed, bitch, please. It's never been about health, and you fucking know it. Take your concern trolling and stick it where the sun don't shine.

~Cie~

Big Bad Missus Sour Mash and Cheap Wine

Image by Niek Verlaan from Pixabay

 I first started blogging in 2006, some 13 years ago, and I've seen a lot of blogs since then. I've also seen what I think is a positive change since I first started blogging, and I'd like to think that it happened in part because of people like me standing up and saying "we're not gonna take it anymore."
Back in those days, I saw a lot of posts which went a little bit something like this:
"I'm soooo happy! Life is soooo wonderful!!!1!! Every day is a gift!!1!!1!1 I just don't understand the kind of ungrateful people who are soooo negative and only see the bad things when life is soooooo goood!!1!1!1"
Admissibly, I hadn't come into my own yet, so to speak. I'd just been diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder a couple of years earlier, and I was still at the point where even though I was transparent about it, I felt the need to explain myself at every turn.
I initially tried to gently explain to people that some people have mood disorders like depression and bipolar disorder which may not allow us to always see the world as a wonderful place. It can be hard for people with mental health issues to hold a regular job, and many of us end up living in poverty. This creates a downward spiral. So, while it's wonderful that you're happy and life is great for you, it isn't great for everyone and a little empathy would be nice.
Some people got it. There was this nice fellow who worked as a bus driver in Hawaii who said he wished everyone could have a happy life, but he liked people just as they were, including people who couldn't be happy.
Then there was this one particularly dreadful individual, who referred to herself as "little miss sweet tea and sunshine." Well, if that wasn't enough to make you puke in your corn flakes to start with, it gets worse.
She literally said all the awful things I wrote at the beginning of this blog, and, as I recall, also used odious terms like "Negative Nellie" and "Debbie Downer." Just out of curiosity, do people like this think that all depressive people are women? I mean, are there no Negative Neds or Danny Downers?
She made further untrue assertions, such as "being happy is a choice," and so all the Negative Nellies need to do is choose to be happy, and then they can be a Good Person (TM) instead of a bad old Polly Poopy-Pants.
At that point, I was done with being gentle. This chick was so full of herself and her head was so deep in her Happy Crappy screed that I pulled out all the stops and told her that people like her needed to develop some understanding and empathy for those who were not able to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and force themselves to stop that "stinkin' thinkin'," that mood disorders and poverty were real things, and that some people would do well to educate themselves rather than making odious assertions such as "happiness is a choice."
These days I tend to adopt the tactic of educating the ignorant rather than letting everyone have both barrels first and ask questions later, but I don't let people who are inflexible and intolerant hang around. Anyone who thinks I'm going to be grateful if they try to "fix" me and who continually implies that I am "lesser" because of my mental health issues will be removed from my sphere, just like any concern troll who sees the need to admonish me to "lose weight for your health."
As far as the weight loss thing, anyone who sees the need to give me that particular bit of advice can step on a scale, note their weight, and fuck off. I've just lost however much they weigh, and I feel fantastic!

~Cie~