Make It Happen Thursday: Taking Stock in the Pressure Cooker

 

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

My accomplishments for the week:

I am currently working on a selection of 8 poems to submit for consideration to The Temz Review. If anyone else is interested in submitting work to them, here is the link.

https://www.thetemzreview.com/submissions.html

I will probably collect the poems I create for the April PAD Challenge/NaPoWriMo into a chapbook to submit to The Temz Review. This means that I will be publishing none of these poems on the Poetry of the Netherworld blog. 

I would like to give shout-outs to each of the sites whose prompts helped me create today's alphabet poem for my aforementioned WIP. Give them a visit!

https://dversepoets.com/2022/03/08/poetics-carroll-crush-saga/

https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2022/02/21/wordle-276/

https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2022/02/28/wordle-277/

https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2022/03/07/wordle-278/

https://puttingmyfeetinthedirt.com/2022/03/01/march-2022-writing-prompts/

https://reinventionsreena.wordpress.com/2022/03/10/reenas-xploration-challenge-4/

https://river-driftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/2022/03/wednesdays-words-on-friday_0165617280.html

https://sundayswhirligig.blogspot.com/

I've been consistent with working on this project and I submitted a 1000-word prose poem to the Syncopation Journal. So I have been successful on the poetry front. My other projects, not so much.

Today's question from 52 Weeks of Writing is:

Did you expect too little of yourself, too much, or was your goal just right?

Ah, you know, I totally cut myself some slack and have been chillin' like Goldilocks eating just-right porridge in a just-right cozy bed all week. No worries!

Ornery, stop lying, you say. 

Right, you caught me.

I totally expected too much of myself like I always do.

The second question is:

If you didn't reach your goal(s), what could you do next week to make sure you do?

I'm going to keep rolling with the Submission Grinder to find places to submit my work. Fortunately, I won't have a stupid blood draw hanging over my head for a while. That crap will be done tomorrow along with a few errands. While some of you may wonder why a blood draw is such a big deal, it's because I live in a remote rural area and have to drive 60 miles to get it done, and my veins are a complete trash fire. Not my idea of a good time.

Regarding my independent, self-published work, I just need to do my best to stick to my schedule.

I've already got myself scheduled for book promos and reviews at Readers Roost, and I need to scale way back on those. It's always exciting to sign up for them so I overdo it. I need to put myself in check.

Third question:

What have you learned about yourself and/or your writing over the past week?

I have learned that I am still discovering new ways of doing things after operating with a stressful and ineffective mindset that became ingrained decades ago. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing that hasn't worked in the past and expecting it to work this time. I'm trying to cut loose from the crazy. 

Learning to be driven by genuine inspiration rather than by anxiety and fear of failure is not as easy as it sounds but I think I am finally making some headway.

A big thanks to Eugenia at Go Dog Go Cafe for hosting today's blog hop.

https://godoggocafe.com/2022/03/10/make-it-happen-thursday-

Spirit of the Universe, please help me be patient with myself and to realize that no matter how small an accomplishment may seem, it is a step in the right direction. 

Here is the soundtrack for today's post.

Here is the link in case you can't see the player.

https://odysee.com/@jazz:89/Kenny.Burrell_Blue.Lights.Vol.2_1958:1?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Free Use Image from Open Clipart Vectors

Resource Books:

52 Weeks of Writing

https://amzn.to/33sESxd

Self-Help Sucks

https://amzn.to/3sCWA9q

The Icky, Sticky, Nit-Picky Legalese If You Please (Or Don't Please)

Creative Commons License

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

This work is the intellectual property of Crazy Creatives Cheerleading Camp and Naughty Netherworld Press.

Reblogging is acceptable on platforms that allow it. Odysee’s reblog function is called repost, which makes things confusing since reposting is considered a no-no on most platforms. It’s fine to share the post using the repost function on Odysee. It is not okay to copy-paste the material into a new post.

Sharing a link to the post is acceptable.

Quoting portions of the post for educational or review purposes is acceptable if proper credit is given.

Come check out Readers Roost, the online book store featuring works by indie and small press authors. Discover your next great read at the Roost! It's the link you need when you wanna read.

https://bit.ly/ReadersRoost

Buy me a coffee

http://bit.ly/NNPCoffee

Or buy me a coffee here

http://bit.ly/NNPKOFI

Join me on Patreon!

Subscribe for as little as $1 per month.

http://bit.ly/NNPPatreon

Get the latest literary happenings and slices of life in your inbox! Now with a poem or chapter from an unpublished WIP every month. You may find yourself in possession of a fabulous rarity that would otherwise be relegated to history!

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Make It Happen Thursday: How Writing Prompts Help Me Create

 

Image by marijana1 from Pixabay

I wrote this post for Make It Happen Thursday at Go Dog Go Cafe.

https://godoggocafe.com/2022/02/24/make-it-happen-thursday-3/

My shout-out is for Ingrid Wilson of Earthweal for her thoughtful poetics and prompts. 

https://earthweal.com/2022/02/21/earthweal-weekly-prompt-global-assembly

The problem with creating poetry or stories for publication with anyone but Naughty Netherworld Press is that most of the time it needs to be previously unpublished, and that includes on a personal blog. This leads me to my thoughts for breaking out of writer's block.

If it wasn't for writing prompts, I might get nothing written. Writing prompts help me focus my wandering thoughts. I like to acknowledge the prompt's creator even when I can't immediately share what the prompt inspired.

Recent events have reminded me that writing poetry before I work on anything else helps me calm my mind and focus. But before even writing poetry, I like to look at my planner to remind me of what the day's focus will be. Currently, my everyday planner looks like this:

Week At A Glance

My World Monday + Promote Yourself Monday

Rhyme Time Tuesday (doesn’t have to rhyme) + Review It Tuesday

Tuesday Events: MFRW Steam is the 2^nd Tuesday of each month.

Wednesday Edits

Wednesday Events: IWSG is 1^st Wednesday of the month, MFRW Retweet Day is 2^nd Wednesday.

Take a Chance Thursday/Make It Happen Thursday (pieces for submission, review the current week’s progress, and plan for next week. Visit Go Dog Go Café to participate in Make It Happen Thursday.) Thirsty Thursday for self-promo. MFRW Book Retweet Day is the 3^rd Thursday of every month.

Flash Fiction Friday, Fanfic Friday

Sexy Saturday (erotica series) + Shameless self-Promo Saturday (submit my work to promo sites i.e. Awesome Gang.) + Social Media Saturday.

Change the World Sunday (poetry, pictures, and politics) + Sunday Dinner at the Grover Hotel.

Do ONE Book Hooks, ONE Rainbow Snippets, ONE Snippet Sunday, and ONE Weekend Writing Warriors every month. More than that is overwhelming.

Book Hooks: Week 1

MFRW Steam + Rainbow Snippets: Week 2

Snippet Sunday: Week 3

Weekend Writing Warriors: Week 4

 After decades of anxiety and self-retribution, I'm still learning to work with my unruly brain. It helps to understand some of the common features of ADHD, but my experiences are unique. I hope that perhaps some of my discoveries will help others avoid a lifetime of abuse and low self-esteem. 

I deliberately kept this post less sweary than is usual for this blog. I welcome return visits with the caveat that this is an uncensored space. The things I discuss may not be pretty and I tend to be quite liberal with expletives. 

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Free use image from Open Clipart Vectors

Music for the Post

Here is the link in case you can't see the player:

https://odysee.com/@Op%C3%A9raetmusiqueclassique:d/J.-S.-BACH-MAGNIFICAT---Jordi-Savall:0?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

The Icky, Sticky, Nit-Picky Legalese If You Please (Or Don't Please)

Creative Commons License

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

This work is the intellectual property of Crazy Creatives Cheerleading Camp and Naughty Netherworld Press.

Reblogging is acceptable on platforms that allow it. Odysee’s reblog function is called repost, which makes things confusing since reposting is considered a no-no on most platforms. It’s fine to share the post using the repost function on Odysee. It is not okay to copy-paste the material into a new post.

Sharing a link to the post is acceptable.

Quoting portions of the post for educational or review purposes is acceptable if proper credit is given.

Come check out Readers Roost, the online book store featuring works by indie and small press authors. Discover your next great read at the Roost! It's the link you need when you wanna read.

https://bit.ly/ReadersRoost

Buy me a coffee

http://bit.ly/NNPCoffee

Or buy me a coffee here

http://bit.ly/NNPKOFI

Join me on Patreon!

Subscribe for as little as $1 per month.

http://bit.ly/NNPPatreon

Get the latest literary happenings and slices of life in your inbox! Now with a poem or chapter from an unpublished WIP every month. You may find yourself in possession of a fabulous rarity that would otherwise be relegated to history!

http://bit.ly/NaughtyNetherworldNews

Fat Friday: The Identity that Others Give Me

 

Free-use image from Pixabay

These thoughts were inspired by this post.

https://headphonesthoughts.com/2021/07/21/identity/

At times it's hard to determine who I really am as opposed to the identity that other people have given me. The author of the post above speaks about being multiracial but having others insist that she should have a monoracial identity, so when she was younger she attempted to behave like a stereotypically black individual.

As a pasty white person (the very tiny smattering of Kickapoo Indian in my ancestry is too diluted to offset my pasty whiteness) and a U.S. native, I have never experienced institutionalized racism. I have experienced prejudice because of my race. The Latina girls in the school I attended between the ages of five and ten often beat me up. They assumed that because I was white my life was better than theirs, and it made them angry. 

The truth was, my family lived in a high crime area in Albuquerque, New Mexico in a rundown house that we shared with very large cockroaches approximately the size of school buses, and with black widow spiders the size of the Hulk's fist. We ate boiled soybeans several times a week because they were cheap and high in protein. If I never see another boiled soybean, it won't be too soon.

Even though those girls beat the crap out of me, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to allow myself to be prejudiced against Latinos. I had several nice Latina friends. I don't know how, but I knew what these girls were doing wasn't really about me, it was about the prejudices that their own families faced. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and my skin was the wrong color.

Although I didn't get beaten up as often when my family moved to Colorado, the bullying I endured from the time I was ten years old on was worse in some ways. I was always very shy, and I got bullied for being weird. When I was in the sixth grade, there was a big girl who enjoyed beating the snot out of me, but she also beat the snot out of everyone else, girls and boys alike, so I didn't feel singled out by her. I really don't know why the adults didn't do something about her. Maybe they were afraid she'd beat them up too.

I spent a lot of years having people make assumptions about me. For some reason, when I was in junior high, a bunch of girls spread the rumor that I was "loose." According to them, I'd had eight abortions by the time I was in the eighth grade. The truth was, I was so ignorant about sex that I thought a blow job meant blowing in someone's ear and I wondered why the hell anyone thought that was exciting.

 This didn't mean I hadn't been sexually abused, however. I had, but because there was no penetration with a penis, I assumed it wasn't sexual assault. A couple of the perpetrators were other girls in my old school. When I look back on it, I wonder what was happening to them that they would think of doing such a thing.

As I got older and my endocrine system got worse and my years of yo-yo dieting wrecked my metabolism to the point where I couldn't lose weight unless I were to develop a terminal illness, people made a lot of assumptions about me because of my size. People still do. 

Imagine thinking that it's okay to say to your neighbor, "my wife was like you. She was obese. But at least you're trying. She didn't try, so she died."

My neighbor actually said that to me.

Imagine not listening to people when they tell you "don't use that term, it's insulting." People think it's perfectly fine to say "obese" regardless of how offensive others find the term because fat people are too stupid to know what's good for them, apparently. 

Imagine saying "being emaciated causes (list multiple health conditions) so those who are emaciated need to eat more and gain weight, otherwise their illnesses are all their own fault." It doesn't work like that. Yet people think it's perfectly okay to assume that larger people are all "eating themselves into an early grave."

I don't binge eat, and I don't know any larger people who binge eat. I do have an eating disorder. I go through periods where I don't eat because I'm so used to being praised by my abusive partner ED (short for Eating Disorder) when I starve myself. I've been bulimic in the past, forcing myself to vomit after meals. It didn't make me lose any significant weight. 

I get so sick of people assuming that I got fat because I gave up on myself, I got fat because I didn't try hard enough, I got fat because I ate enough food for a family of 200, and so it's okay to psychologically abuse me because I "brought it on myself." Fuck a whole lot of that shit.

I gained weight because of underlying conditions (a trash fire endocrine system) and because of yo-yo dieting. Dieting only works long-term for a very small percentage of people. Most people gain the weight they lost back and when it returns, it brings friends. 

This is a decent article about how the contestants from the shit show "The Biggest Loser" regained the weight they lost on that abusive mess and why.

https://theweighwewere.com/biggest-loser-bodies-fought-regain-weight/

People assume that they have the right to abuse people my size because they have given us the identity of a lazy slob who is using up all their resources and needs to be bullied and shamed "for their own good." This mindset, unfortunately, is what healthcare providers are taught as well. Nursing school was one of the worst environments for size shaming that I've ever had the misfortune of being part of.

Being hateful to larger people does not force them to lose weight "for their health." It just makes them reticent to seek health care unless a problem becomes critical.

"The goal of patient care is improved health and well-being. However, the current dominant weight-centered paradigm has been shown to be not only ineffective, but harmful. Shifting to a weight-inclusive approach encourages optimal care and well-being for individuals along the entire weight spectrum and improves health equity." --Michelle May, MD

Long story short, we need to stop projecting identities onto other people. Let people reveal themselves in their own time. 

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Fat and Ornery

Free-use image from Open Clipart Vectors

Life with ADHD

 

Free use image by John Hain on Pixabay

This is a response to a post by Veronica Scott.

https://veronicascott.wpcomstaging.com/2021/03/06/they-know-a-lot-weekend-writing-warriors/

Gorgeous world-building. 

"She shook her head, annoyed at herself for having a scatterbrained mind and thoughts skittering like demented butterflies right now" sounds like the story of my life with ADHD. I've always had people tell me to "just" stop being so scatterbrained, stop daydreaming, pay attention, stop being so self-absorbed. 

The funny thing is, I'm conversely quite capable of hyper-focus. I've only just started learning to accept and work with my ADHD (and myself as a whole, really,) and I'm 56 years old. 

Sorry, I sometimes hyper-focus on a small piece of what I've read if it really grabs me as this sentence did.

Image by Please Don't sell My Artwork AS IS from Pixabay

Note: Today is my brother's 52nd birthday. It is also Saint Patrick's Day. So, happy birthday to one who's a saint and one who ain't.

Dreamers, lovers, and Star Voyagers: WeWriWa: EU50

Dreamers, lovers, and Star Voyagers: WeWriWa: EU50:                                                             

Note: This is a comment that I left on Teresa Cypher's promotional post for her story, Emmily Unbound. Please click the link to check out her work.

Shock can make a person behave strangely and focus on things that seem unimportant. In 2013, there was a flood in the Boulder area. I was working in Boulder at the time. The area I lived in Lafayette was getting a hard rain but I didn't know how serious things were in Boulder. As I approached work, it became obvious that I should have called off, but I couldn't turn around. As I went over a bridge where there was normally no water underneath, a large wave rolled across the bridge and slammed into the side of my car. I managed to stay on the road, but I was terrified that I was going to be washed into the huge, choppy lake to the right of me; a lake that normally didn't exist.

The logical thing to do when I got to work would have been to change into my work clothes and start helping, as the place was in chaos. I did not do that. I walked like a zombie to the locker room, put on my swimsuit, and went to work out in the therapy pool, as I did most nights before work. As I was doing water aerobics, I heard the transformer blow outside and the lights went out. I made my way back to the locker room and was showering in the dark before the generator kicked in.

To go to the therapy pool was a bizarre choice on my part and many people would probably say "what a selfish bitch, only thinking of herself and not the chaos around her." But I was in shock.

I tell this long-winded tale to illustrate the way that shock can make a person focus on a mundane thing in order not to break down.

I had a very difficult time writing for about a month after the flood happened. I believe I was experiencing survivor guilt because many people lost everything they owned and some lost their lives. I survived my car being slammed into by that wave, and I couldn't understand why me. I did not suffer any significant loss. I felt like I did not deserve to indulge myself in writing when so many people had lost so much.

I am finally starting to understand, nearly 56 years into this life, that for me writing is not an indulgence or a hobby. It is a survival tool.

~Ornery Owl Hath Spoken~

Ornery Owl

Free use image by Open Clipart Vectors on Pixabay

Blow Your Stack Saturday: Short and Salty

fuck the “medical professionals” who decide that physical and emotional abuse are the best way to treat my illnesses.

--Bard Against Humanity

(publish0x.com/bard-against-humanity)

About Me Monday + Money Monday: Saving on Groceries

Image copyright Steve Buissine

https://pixabay.com/photos/shopping-spending-till-slip-879498/

The following is my reply to a post by Jessi Fearon, a SAHM who has a blog dedicated to debt-free living.

https://jessifearon.com/2017/07/how-to-lower-your-grocery-bill.html

My only kid is 30 years old. We live out in the middle of nowhere, and I'm disabled (trying to get disability) and doing freelance work on the computer. 

I hadn't cooked in years, so I started ordering meal kits. They've helped a lot, but as my son says, I think we're growing beyond them. There is a good local butcher about 50 miles from where we live (it's about 50 miles to any city where we live!) and we are going to start getting our meat there. 

My son agreed to get in on the meal planning. He is high-functioning autistic, so a lot of food textures bother him which wouldn't come into play for someone who isn't autistic. His input is vital if I'm going to make this work! 

I have ADD, so I tend to get excited in the planning stage and then bored before I am able to implement my plans. His job is to keep me focused and on track.

Further Thoughts:

Meal kits are a great place to start (and maybe stay, if that's what works best for you) when you haven't cooked in a long time (or ever.) We have saved oodles of money by ordering meal kits from Everyplate and Hello Fresh. We used to get takeout all the time. It was costly and often not very satisfying.

I was sad when my son suggested that we should move away from the meal kits and towards planning our own meals every week. I like choosing the meals to be delivered and I like it when the box of goodies shows up at our door. However, my son is correct that we can save a lot of money by getting many of our staples at Costco and by going to the local butcher for our meat. 

I became excited again when I realized that I would be able to plan meals every week and also have a make ahead and freeze day either every Sunday or once a month. I'll have to see what works better for me with that. I've been researching recipes that lend themselves to being frozen, and also reusable, freezer-safe containers. 

Which reminds me, I'm starving. Take care and stay safe!

~Your Ornery Old Aunt Cie~

https://www.winfreevanilla.com/1233739

$100 worth of Watkins products would be a grand addition to your pantry. Click the link to try your luck!

Sharing with these blog parties:

About Me Monday @ Crazy Creatives Cheerleading Camp

(This is my mental health blog. This is your warning that it tends to be sweary and ranty.)

http://crazycreativescheerleadingcamp.blogspot.com

Busy Monday

https://www.apinchofjoy.com/

Grammy's Grid

http://grammysgrid.com

Hearth and Soul

https://apriljharris.com/

Inspire Me Monday

http://mostlyblogging.com

Lou Lou Girls Fabulous Party

https://www.loulougirls.com/

Party in your PJs

https://theapplestreetcottage.blogspot.com/

Senior Salon

https://esmesalon.com/

Share the Kindness

http://shelbeeontheedge.com

Snickerdoodle Create-Bake-Make Link Party

https://acrosstheblvd.com/

What's for Dinner?

http://lazygastronome.com/

You're the Star

https://decorcraftdesign.com/

The Icky, Sticky, Nit-Picky Legalese, if You Please (Or Don't Please)

Content copyright 2020 by Cara Hartley

Please do not repost

Reblogging is acceptable on platforms that allow it.

Sharing a link to the post is acceptable.

Quoting portions of the post for educational or review purposes is acceptable if proper credit is given.

Cross-posting to these fine places:

http://www.ciethehuntress.com

http://www.goodstufffromgrover.com

http://publish0x.com/aunt-cies-attic

Crazy Creatives Cheerleading Camp + Inner Champion Workbook Day 5: Taking the First Step

Disclosure: If readers purchase a copy of the book through the Preview link above, I earn a small commission from Amazon.

An important goal that I’m going to achieve:

Publishing my own writing--again.

Why this goal is important to me:

It has been important to me for many years. To be honest, writing is the only thing I really know how to do, regardless of whether I do it well or not.

What has been preventing me from taking the first step?

I have published my own works before, in 2007 and 2009. It was a bad experience. I used a POD publisher who ended up with a lot of my money and I ended up with nothing to show for it but a couple of boxes of unsold books. I also ended up meeting some people who were really not good for me. My association with them very nearly pushed me to stop writing for good. There are still some areas of my life that never completely recovered from the experiences I had with these people.

How can I remove these obstacles or work around them?

I prefer to self-publish. I don't want to go the "paper my walls with rejection letters" route. For me, it's a huge waste of time. I'm not going for being The Next Big Thing. I just want to publish my work. So I am doing so, via Kindle. I can format the books myself. 

In the future, I will also not allow other people's opinions to get under my skin and destroy me, and I will be very careful about the kinds of people I allow to get close to me. I discovered that overenthusiastic "fans" tend to have problems that render them toxic and destructive, particularly to a sensitive person who has low self-esteem and a high desire to be liked. In the future, I will address any "fans" in a polite but cool fashion rather than seeming too available and/or needy.

The first step I am going to take toward achieving my goal:

I'm already taking it. I am working on a manuscript for a novella to be published in e-book form in early 2020. I submitted a poetry manuscript to one organization and am preparing another poetry manuscript to be submitted to Writers' Digest early next year. The poems I will use are the winners in my ongoing Battle of the Poems. I wrote 30 and had to narrow it down to 20, so I created what I thought was a fun competition. I appreciate everyone who participated and, hopefully, will have more participants in future Battles.

I am also working on the manuscript for an illustrated story in poetic form. I wrote the verses. The illustrations are being done by the Mexican Chibi artist Kamidiox. Kami's commission fees are very affordable. Check out her work and contact her if you'd like her to do a piece for you. Tell her Cie sent you!

For support and accountability, I am going to share my goal with:

My son and a couple of trusted friends (including Kami, who I mentioned above) know about my goals. I tend to not want to bother other people with my crap, so sometimes I keep things between me and the Universe. I'm still learning to open up a bit while also protecting myself. Everything is a balancing act.

Free use image from Pixabay

Ornery Literary Services

Will work for links and tips

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation #107: Soliloquy No Renga: One Starry Night

Starry Night by Alex Ruiz

one starry night

to make that one painting -

the rustling leaves

as summer draws to a close

and the green leaves turn to gold

on one starry night
so many years in the past
years rushed by so fast
a foolish girl made a wish
that could never come to pass

she would never be
Venus Anadyomene
more Pickman's model
never seen through eyes of love
always used and tossed aside

the rustling of leaves
as they crunch beneath the shoes
of a broken crone
step hobbled and hair of gray
dead dreams lie within her heart

summer draws to close
life's flame is growing dimmer
she hides in the dark
tortured by the memory
of a girl who wanted more

green leaves turn to gold
golden strands of hair to gray
no matter the shade
she was never beautiful
her heart is cold as winter

~Chèvrefeuille & Cie~

Notes:

The first Hokku was created by Chèvrefeuille. The rest of this mess you can blame on me.

Shout-outs to Sandro Botticelli and H.P. Lovecraft. Can you spot their influence?

OctPoWriMo 2019: Day 19: Purple

Image by Ron Rev Fenomeno from Pixabay

Purple feels like my deep dreams

When I'm wrapped in royal mystery

Purple feels like I've been redeemed

Purple feels like the wildest scenes

From my debauched history

Purple feels like my deep dreams

When inspiration bathes me in lavender beams

So bright that they should blister me

Purple feels like I've been redeemed

My purple prose soothes my soul's tortured screams

Though my detractors scorn my work bitterly

Purple feels like my deep dreams

Purple bruise in my heart which can't be seen

By those who sneer that my dreams are frippery

Purple feels like I've been redeemed

I fade into my purple dreams

And all the world fades for me

Purple feels like my deep dreams

Purple feels like I've been redeemed

~Cie~

Image copyright David Redfern

Anyone who knows me at all ought to be massively unsurprised that I'm dedicating this one to Jimi.

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation #106: Turn Back Time: Flourishing Plum Blossoms in the Moonlight

Image Source

Here is the original poem for today's revision exercise.

arranging the plum-flowers,
I would enjoy them in the light of the lamp,
as if in the moonlight

© Taigi (1709-1771)

Here is my follow-up:

muse's promise leads to
lonely life of poverty
and head full of dreams

~Cie~

Notes:

I'm invoking the right to poetic expression here. My verse was inspired by this paragraph rather than directly by the featured poem.

"The original of the above haiku is even more difficult, literally: "arranging the plum, as if the moon, I would savour, lamp-light" (Wabiru translated 'enjoy', 'means' to live a life of poetry in poverty). The poet has arranged the flowers in a vase, and wishes to see them in the light of the moon, but there being no moon, he lights the lamp instead, and adds its light to the poetry and the beauty of the flowers."

I am sitting in a room which looks like a construction zone in a cold house with no working furnace, an old comforter wrapped around my legs and feet. I am wearing two pairs of socks. My hands are chafed and red from the cold. I have a space heater, which is cranked up to 90, but the little area I'm sitting in won't warm past 55, and it feels colder than that.

You know those damn Hallmark channel type movies about the romance writer living in genteel poverty, chipping devotedly away at her novel until G.Q. Cover Model Guy sweeps her away into a life of luxury and she becomes a best-selling author?

I have some bad news for you, Sunshine.

Those movies are bullshit.

Committed writers are more likely to be like me and my literary heroes H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allan Poe.

We're committed to writing because otherwise, we'd be committed to the mental hospital, and ain't nobody wants to go there.

We're introverted, socially maladjusted, depressive, and will likely die in poverty, perhaps achieving posthumous fame at a later date.

The reality for our sort is much more likely to end like a Lovecraft or Poe story than a Hallmark Channel romance: poverty, death, and possibly delirium at the end of it all.

This has been your Spot of Cheer for this episode of "Cie is a Fucking Depressive Hag, Never Have Tea With the Gloomy Bitch."

Fat Friday #6: Shockingly, Concern Trolling and Size Shaming Fail To Make People Thin

Image by Dina Dee from Pixabay

This is my response to a post by This Fat Old Lady regarding the fact that children who are bullied for their size tend to gain rather than lose weight.

I surmise that part of the reason for this is because being bullied is stressful. Excess stress causes overproduction of cortisol. Excess cortisol contributes to weight gain. Cushing's syndrome is a condition which causes overproduction of cortisol. However, one need not have Cushing's syndrome to present with overproduction of cortisol.

Yes, I certainly appreciate everyone who was "concerned" over my weight and who praised me whenever I starved myself because the worst thing anyone can possibly be is fat. They did me a world of good, and I became svelte and beautiful with petite, delicate features and married a billionaire who treats me like a queen.

Oh, wait. None of that happened.

Here's what did happen.

I developed an eating disorder at twelve. I yo-yo dieted until I was 45 years old. I tried to hate myself thin for some 33 years. Shockingly, it didn't work.

At this point, I'm fat and food insecure. Even though I often eat nothing for most of the day, I'm still fat. This is probably partly due to my endocrine problems, but it's also due to the fact that eventually, the diets stop working altogether.
My hunger cues are pretty well gone. I don't feel hungry when I wake up. I start planning ways I can restrict my food intake instead.

You see, instead of the billionaire who treats me like a queen, I ended up marrying ED.

You may have guessed that ED stands for Eating Disorder.

ED praises me when I starve myself.

All ED's praise for my food restriction, whether intentional or unintentional, doesn't do doodly-squat towards making me the thin, conventionally attractive hottie that I'm supposed to be. My body refuses to lose weight at this point. I may be malnourished AF, but thin I am not. And unless what happened to my fat great-grandmother happens to me, I probably never will be.

My great grandmother was five feet tall and weighed 300 pounds. In her late 70's, she developed acute myelogenous leukemia. She dropped from 300 pounds to 95 pounds within the space of a year, and then she died. But hey, at least she cut a svelte figure in her casket, amirite? Because fat is the very worst thing a person can possibly be. Even worse than being dead.

~Cie~

Don't like my fat body?

Here's my fat finger instead.

Tan Renga Challenge 2019: Day 9: Snails

Snails in Moonlight

Artist Unknown

I bow to my master

Matsuo Basho told me the way

to watch a snail

Haiku taught me to embrace

the way of snail and turtle

Chèvrefeuille & Cie

Notes:

The Hokku (Haiku) stanza of this Tan Renga was written by Chèvrefeuille. The Akegu (closing) stanza was written by me.

I am not being hyperbolic in any way when I say this. Participating in this exercise has been life-changing for me. Haiku is no longer simply a poetry form for me. It is a way of meditation, a way to improve not only my life but possibly the lives of others as well.

The Cheese Grates It: Fake Friends, Fibroids, Incontinence, and Keeping it Real

Me (puffy endocrine face and all) and Crowley

I don't give one single fuck if you find me attractive or not

Every person is deserving of basic common decency, not just the ones you've deemed "fuckable"

This post is a response to Nicole at Cauldrons and Cupcakes. I tried to leave a comment on her blog, but. like so many Wordpress blogs, the overly aggressive Spam filter ate my comment. See "why Cie hates Wordpress."

Nicole, thank you for sharing your struggles. I started being real about my health struggles back when I was first diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder at age 38 and have been doing so ever since. I was raised in a family that believed in hiding their problems. I've since had to become used to more and more physical issues while trying not to hate myself for having them, because ill health was seen as a weakness when I was growing up.

The one thing that I was disinclined to discuss even after I started being honest about my psychiatric and endocrine issues was the incontinence that I've suffered with since I was 40 years old. I never saw a doctor about it until this past year because of a history of trauma and because I didn't want to be humiliated for my size while in a compromising position. I am a big person, and, given my endocrine issues, it would be almost impossible for me to be anything but and still be standing. The treatment of larger people by the medical establishment is unconscionable and leads larger people to avoid treatment until they experience critical health problems. 

I finally found a doctor that I felt I could trust to discuss my "plumbing" issues, including my "annual period" that I've had even after menopause. She told me that this sort of bleeding was abnormal and referred me to an OBGYN who turned out to be wonderful and compassionate. She never once made an issue of my weight. I had a D&C done, which revealed that my uterus is chock full of fibroids and polyps. Given that I no longer have a need for this particular organ, it is coming out in three weeks.

I've read that fibroids can promote urinary urgency. I have urge incontinence as opposed to the more common stress incontinence. I'm crossing my fingers that the hysterectomy might help improve this problem. I'm not one of those people with "light bladder leakage." Sometimes I can stop it before it becomes a full-on flood, but not always. Those dainty little panty liners wouldn't do doodly squat when I lose urine. I have to wear the big overnight incontinence pads.

It's possible that I should have had a hysterectomy years ago. I've always had really miserable, heavy periods, but I attributed them to my endocrine problems. People with hypothyroidism are, apparently, prone to heavy periods. I might have done something about it sooner, but because of the trauma I've suffered, I really don't like people "up in my business." Not that anyone likes gynecological exams, but I am psychologically traumatized by them. The idea that I might be belittled for my size made it a real no-go, and, thus, I avoided having such an exam for close to 30 years.

The medical establishment really needs to change their approach to larger people, to women, and probably to people as a whole. Many people who go into medicine lack compassion. I am a former nurse (still licensed, no longer practicing) and I can attest that nursing school was one of the most fatphobic environments that I ever had the displeasure of finding myself in. If we want a healthy population, we need to treat people of all sizes and with all issues including addiction with respect and compassion.

As for your "friend," I'm sorry that you discovered that she really wasn't one. (One of Nicole's "friends" berated her for being open about her health issues and sharing "unflattering" photos of herself.) I hate those discoveries. But in the end, it's kind of freeing to drop away from the people who like to imitate millstones.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~