NaPoWriMo 2020 Day 13 + April PAD Challenge 2020 Day 13: Taking It Back

Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay

no I don't feel bad about

crawling out from beneath the crippling doubt

you try to crush me with your cruel words

to destroy the purpose within with attacks from without

no I don't feel bad about

stealing back the resolve you tried to snuff out

you've made it your purpose to keep me down

I've made it my purpose to present with clout

you won't hurt me anymore

I don't care about evening the score

you won't keep me subdued beneath your scorn

I find your diatribe a bore

I'm becoming more

than you bargained for

I'm not your punching bag

you're rotten to the core

you're empty, shallow, and weak

no more will I seek

your meaningless approval

with purpose I will forevermore speak

~cie~

NaPoWriMo: Write a non-apology for the things you've stolen

April PAD Challenge: Write a purpose poem

NaPoWriMo 2020 Day 4 + April PAD Challenge 2020 Day 4 + April PAD Countdown Catch-Up Day 6:

Image by Engin_Akyurt from Pixabay

A secret wish that I keep hid

Is the hope that dreams really do come true

Like I thought when I was a kid

A secret wish

The way I believed when the world was new

And there was magic in everything that I did

Before harsh reality twisted the screw

I say of foolish beliefs I'm rid

That I've buried the dreams that never grew

But a quiet place in my soul loves what logic forbid

A secret wish

~cie~

notes

The NaNoWriMo prompt was (generally) write a poem about a dream.

The April PAD Challenge prompt was a wish poem.

The April PAD Challenge countdown prompt was a quiet poem.

The poem form is a Rondeau.

NaPoWriMo 2020 Day 1 + April PAD Challenge 2020 Day 1: Escape on the Asphalt Sea

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

on an asphalt sea my son and I ride

as long as the weather is on our side

we make a journey to retrieve

items from a place that we must leave

on an asphalt sea

as the earth turned, so did the tide

fortune has not been on my side

I search for reasons to believe

on an asphalt sea

some days I do not mind the ride

other days I wish to escape inside

over the years there have been reasons to grieve

I examine the dreams that my mind may conceive

on an asphalt sea

~cie~

notes

I combined the NaPoWriMo prompt with the April PAD Chapbook Challenge prompt AND the April PAD Challenge Countdown prompt. Go me!

NaPoWriMo 2020 Preview Poem: American Breakdown

Image by moonzigg from Pixabay

America, America, alas

the cracks in your facade are on display

how many dead when all has come to pass

how many dead because of the delay

addressing a disease that came to stay

you told us it would all be over soon

deluded jackass braying at the moon

~Sly~

Image copyright juliahenze @123rf.com

Sly and Snarky

notes

This Rhyme Royale was penned by my snarky political alter-ego Sly Fawkes with love to the village idiot currently occupying the White House--as much love as he deserves, anyway.

The prompt was to write a poem about my favorite birds. The bald eagle is one of my favorite birds. This one looks angry.

Tawddgyrch Cadwynog: The Story of Me

Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay

left out, cast off

never let in

by friend and kin

misunderstood

never take off

never begin

never will win

she never could

~Cie~

The Gothic Greek Giant: An Evocative Espinela

Image by André Santana from Pixabay

I don't know if he's very Gothic, but he is large and greenish.

I saw the Gothic Greek Giant

taking giant strides cool and slow

I don't know where he wants to go

laid back, but never compliant

although he is not defiant

the giant will never conform

he doesn't need to be the norm

he just wants to do his own thing

to paint pictures or sometimes sing

or just hang out and watch a storm

~Cie~

November PAD Chapbook Challenge 2019: Day 29: Have iPhone, Will Travel

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

Have iPhone

Will travel

I've never seen the Northern Lights

I'd like to get them in my sights

To watch their ghostly green glow

As they put on their show

See them dance across the sky

And if I could fly

I'd like to dance into their beams

And leap from stream to stream

Have iPhone, honey

But no money

So I won't be going far

In my beat-up car

But when my beat-up body ceases to run

I'll go and have my fun

I'll ride on the green glow

Who knows how far I'll go?

Dancing in the Northern Lights

I'll become one with the night

~Cie~

Notes:

The November PAD Chapbook Challenge prompt for today was Have (blank.) 

This poem came out of nowhere. I just wrote it down.

November PAD Chapbook Challenge 2019: Day 26: A Limerick for John

J. Geils went through diamonds and minks

He had the blues, the reds, and the pinks

He revealed the truest truth

I knew it back in my youth

The only thing for sure is love stinks

~Cie~

Notes:

Today's November PAD Chapbook Challenge was to write a love poem. Well, if you know me at all, you know what I think about that. So I wrote this limerick in honor of the one who said it best about love, the late, great J. Geils. (20 February 1946 - 11 April 2017)

OctPoWriMo 2019: Day 19: Purple

Image by Ron Rev Fenomeno from Pixabay

Purple feels like my deep dreams

When I'm wrapped in royal mystery

Purple feels like I've been redeemed

Purple feels like the wildest scenes

From my debauched history

Purple feels like my deep dreams

When inspiration bathes me in lavender beams

So bright that they should blister me

Purple feels like I've been redeemed

My purple prose soothes my soul's tortured screams

Though my detractors scorn my work bitterly

Purple feels like my deep dreams

Purple bruise in my heart which can't be seen

By those who sneer that my dreams are frippery

Purple feels like I've been redeemed

I fade into my purple dreams

And all the world fades for me

Purple feels like my deep dreams

Purple feels like I've been redeemed

~Cie~

Image copyright David Redfern

Anyone who knows me at all ought to be massively unsurprised that I'm dedicating this one to Jimi.

OctPoWriMo 2019: Day 17: Do You Remember?

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Do you remember when we had all our lives ahead

In times before hope was replaced by dread

Do you remember all the sunshine days

Back when life was a place to play

The best of people in the world was my brother

Over him I'd never have chosen any other

 In the times before everything turned gray

Back when life was a place to play

Your sister became someone broken within

Who had no idea how to repair her sin

Your sister still wonders if we can return one day

Back when life was a place to play

I would have chosen you as my friend regardless of blood

My love for you is real, my brother, my bud

Can we turn back although our hair's gone gray

Back when life was a place to play?

~Cie~

Notes:

My brother is four years younger than me. I was there when he was born. He made his way into the world quickly.

As children, we were very close. But time, circumstances, and misunderstandings have driven us apart, something I would not have been able to believe could happen when I was a child.

Honestly, this is rather a vulnerable point for me and I would appreciate compassion if one feels the need to say anything.

True Colors Hidden, Beauty Forgotten

Copyright Eli Edward Evangelidis

How can you say that you will show

Your inner truth like blood on snow

When you keep truth hidden inside

Rather than risk hurting your pride

How deep within does your pain go?

What you hide within cannot grow

The light in your soul will not show

Do you know what resides inside

How can you say

Do you think that your love can grow

Not letting your true colors show

Who you are is always denied

What you wish is hidden inside

Is a lie worth getting to know

How can you say

~Cie~

Prompts Used:

Click the banners to find out more about the prompts.

Note:

For tonight's exercise in self-abuse, I have chosen the Rondeau. I don't know about you, but I find this to be a challenging form.

Here is how you form a Rondeau.

(1) A A B B A (2) A A B with refrain: C (3) A A B B A with concluding refrain C. The refrain must be identical with the beginning of the first line.

Christine says that while she encourages pieces that touch on the lived experiences of those who identify as LGBTQ for the Pride Anthem challenge, it isn't a requirement. 

While I for one give not one single rip about anyone's sexual orientation and would ask that others return me the same courtesy, I will disclose that my poem was written from the POV of someone who hid their mental health issues for many years as opposed to someone who felt forced into the closet regarding their sexuality. However, the poem is for anyone who feels as if they have had to hide a key part of themselves in the often closed-minded world in which we live.

NaPoWriMo 2019 Day 22 + Poems in April Day 22: My Vicious Villanelle: 1000% Done

At this stage of the game, I'm done with rules

I'm tired of word counts and prompts of the day

I've decided that rules are for fools

I could write about my family jewels

But they're all plastic anyway

At this stage of the game, I'm done with rules

I could create something with power tools

With drills and chain saws I could play

I've decided that rules are for fools

I could see about going back to school

But I'd probably just cut class anyway

At this stage of the game, I'm done with rules

I don't want to be so mean and cruel

But I must say, for the end of prompts I pray

I've decided that rules are for fools

The calendar says that the end is in sight

So though I wish I could quit I guess I'll stay

At this stage of the game, I'm done with rules

I've decided that rules are for fools

~Cie~

Notes:

I've always said that I write two kinds of poems: dark and silly.

I'm a despicable liar.

I actually write three kinds of poems.

Dark, silly, and snarky.

Guess which kind this is.

NaPoWriMo 2019: Day 18: A Soul Dull and Filled with Pain

I Blinked and the World Was Gone Version 5

Copyright The Real Cie

A life lost and lonely from first cry

A soul not soothed by any lullaby

Days are hopeless, dull, and filled with pain

Till the moment when the unwanted ones are left alone to die

~Cie~

Notes:

The poem style is Rubai. This is a brief poetry form requiring the story to be told in four lines. I believe I have accomplished this.

NaPoWriMo 2019: Day 7: Sorrow Inevitably Follows

Image by Stefan Schweihofer from Pixabay

The things that used to bring me joy

Are now viewed through a veil of tears

When I remember times now past

Memories leave a trail of tears

When I remember those I loved

I must suppress a gale of tears

I dare not ask for anything

I'll wind up with a pail of tears

Every story of happiness

Always ends as a tale of tears

~Cie~

Note:

The NaPoWriMo prompt asked for a poem about joy and gifts. Technically, this poem is about joy and gifts, just not about happy endings.

The form I used is the Ghazal. 

NaPoWriMo 2019: Day 5: The Scream of the Butterfly at the End of the World

Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay

Why does the sun go on shining

Like heaven ablaze in our eyes

This is the end of nights when we tried dying

I want to be alone in the darkness with my crying

Where I can't hear the voices whispering their lies

Why does the sun go on shining?

I scream and hear nobody replying

Not even an echo from the tomb does arise

This is the end of nights when we tried dying

I try to fool myself but there is no denying

All things end and everything dies

Why does the sun go on shining?

I will remain till the end of my life alone and pining

For the one who no longer listens to my cries

This is the end of nights when we tried dying

I wish one last time I'd hear your voice replying

Before everything I was wastes away and dies

Why does the sun go on shining?

This is the end of nights when we tried dying

~Cie~

Note:

Today's criteria were: write a villanelle, use lines from outside sources, and have lines which oppose each other in some way. I think I succeeded. Just thank your lucky stars I wasn't feeling snarkier than I am at the moment. I could have used the line "fuck, fuck, fuck me, Baby" from the uncensored version of "The End."

The End (The Doors)

The End of the World (Skeeter Davis)

Wings of a Butterfly (H.I.M.)

OctPoWriMo 2018: Day 24: Out of the Attic

Outside

Unlock

Fling

Freely

Gape

The madwoman has escaped from the attic

And cut through the red tape

Unlock

Fling

Freely

Gape

Outside

She stumbles out into the sunlight

No longer will she hide

Fling 

Freely

Gape

Outside

Unlock

The people hide in the shadows

To see her in the open is quite a shock

Freely

Gape

Outside

Unlock

Fling

How dare she try to approach the good people?

She's such a hideous thing!

Gape 

Outside

Unlock

Fling

Freely

Surely she doesn't fancy herself equal to us

Who does she think she is really?

Outside

Unlock

Fling

Freely

Gape

The madwoman has escaped from the attic

And cut through the red tape

~Cie~

Note:

I have type 2 bipolar disorder which was not properly diagnosed until I was 38 years old. I first noted symptoms of bipolar disorder, then termed manic depression, in myself when I was taking a psychology class in high school. I approached the teacher with my thoughts, and she told me that I couldn't be manic depressive because manic depression was a psychosis, and I evidently wasn't psychotic.

Bipolar disorder has since been recategorized as a mood disorder rather than a psychosis.

Bipolar type 2 can be difficult to diagnose because it presents with hypomania rather than full mania. Bipolar 2 does not have psychotic features. Bipolar 1 may or may not present with psychosis.

I have experienced mania and psychosis when they were triggered by SSRI's, the darlings of the psychiatry field. It was terrifying and upsetting. While taking Effexor, a patient in the long-term care center I was working for at the time asked me why I was so happy. I wasn't happy, I was manic as fuck and felt completely out of control. I never experience mania if I don't take SSRI's. 

Just another reason why people suggesting that I should "try medication" makes me want to go all Norman Bates on their ass. I did, and the cure was worse than the problem. Having a psychiatric anomaly does not make a person stupid.

I realize that sometimes it can be difficult when dealing with people who do improve with use of medication and who then feel as if they have been cured and quit taking the medication. Psychiatric dysfunctions are not one size fits all. 

I do best using a low dose of Lithium Orotate. It short-circuits the irritability that is part and parcel of my condition.

I once had a doctor tell me to "just stay on" a medication (Zoloft) which made it feel as if my brain had developed tiny hands and was trying to pick its way out of my skull. To this day, I would like to know how the fuck he thought that was an improvement. That was a psychotic reaction to the medication. I normally do not experience psychosis. I knew it wasn't really happening, but it sure as fuck FELT as if it was really happening, and who the hell knows what I might have done to stop it if it kept on. 

These medications are not "happy pills." They change the brain chemistry. Some people are helped by them. For some, they don't work at all. For others, the cure is worse than the disease.

I think that one thing which desperately needs to change is the idea of making people who live with neurological or psychological differences into "normal" people, and to stop acting as if those of us who live with these conditions are "broken." 

It would have been nice to learn how to live with a brain like mine from the time I was in my youth rather than being told that I had to be "fixed," to be "normal." 

I will never be normal.

I will only be me.

Stop the stigma.

Haiga copyright The Real Cie

You are welcome to use it with a credit back to me.

OctPoWriMo 2018: Day 9: Not a Damn Rom-Com

Image copyright Ronnie Chua

The train to Infatuation Junction

Leads to dysfunction

Ends in malfunction

Of those damn fool dreams you hold dear

So you think you want romance?

I say no damn chance

I never again want to dance

To the symphony of destruction

You say you want some affection? 

Well take up a collection

And walk in the direction

Of the nearest kissing booth

It's hard to even trust friendship

When everything's a dead-end ship

I don't want to take another trip

Down to Heartbreak Hotel

You promise endless devotion

But I'll need calamine lotion

Because all the commotion

Of our breakup

Will make me break out

In hives

You say you'll cherish me forever

That you'll leave me never

But in the end you'll just sever

The last trust from my heart

Love does not bring delight

Only fight after fight

And long lonely nights

I'm better off alone

I came to dwell

In Indifference Dell

After being plunged into hell

One too many damn times

Too many damn cheating men

Live in Infidelity Glen

I won't go there again

I will stay well away

I was not born, you see

With impartiality

Or a spirit so free

It can find fun on the run

Too many cold-hearted souls

Have left my heart full of holes

I don't want to play the role

Of the one cast aside

A role I've played many times over

So when you promise green clover

I say: "Begone, fickle rover"

Because I smell manure

Been there done that time and again

Been betrayed time and time again

Been pushed aside time and again

It's time to say never again

~Cie~

Notes:

This one turned out more badass than brimful of regret, which I think is pretty damn cool. 

Fair warning that few things piss me off more than people advising me, however well-meaning the advice may be, to "not give up on love" and "give it another chance." It is absolutely, positively not something I want to pursue, so, please, just don't. 

To me, such advice is akin to saying: "well, maybe if you stick your arm in that meat grinder again, it will be nice and not shred your stump like it did your hand. You can't stop trying just because you got hurt a whole fucking lot of times in the past when you stuck your hand in the meat grinder."

Can and have. It's my life, not a rom-com. I'm never so miserable as when I have some sort of romantic entanglement. Been there, done that, never want to go back again.