Dark Hearts Love Too: Small Flies and Other Wings: Image copyright Brooke Shaden Surreal Photography The poem was also inspired by a painting called Small Flies and Other Wings by Indonesia...
This poem is a metaphor for my thoughts as a sexual assault survivor.
I've been told that I "need to get counseling" to "process my feelings" about what was done to me, but I found that counselors tend to be trained to try and make their clients "normal." I find this a flawed approach or at least one that doesn't work for me. I was never normal in the first place, and, as Thomas Wolfe famously said, you can't go home again. Once you have been sexually assaulted, you will never again know life as someone who hasn't. It's simply not possible.
Also, I have no desire to revisit the events in question in a group setting. Yes, I know, by "not dealing" with what happened, what happened will deal with me, but it does anyway.
I actually am not abnormally afraid that someone will break in and sexually assault me. I'm not afraid to be out in the dark, although at this juncture I don't see very well when driving at night because of cataracts. Also, I live in the middle of nowhere, so there isn't anywhere for me to be going at night. I'm not afraid of men. I function as normally as anyone with my particular limitations, including physical, neurological, and psychological can.
My brand of weirdness manifests in a need to sleep in a somewhat confined space, up against a wall. Somehow, this makes me feel safer. I also bristle whenever I discuss the times that I was molested, even though decades have gone by. That will never stop. No amount of counseling with someone I'll never feel free to truly be myself with will ever change that.
~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~
Free Use Image from Open Clipart Vectors on Pixabay
I have a fridge magnet which says 'the only normal people are those you don't know very well'. Which works for me. And you need to do what works for you.
ReplyDeleteI acknowledge that the going to meetings bit works for some people. I'm not terribly social, and I don't need to "come out of my shell." I can hardly see where repeatedly rehashing what happened will be helpful. It seems to be difficult for realize that their solution may not be the best solution for someone else.
DeleteMedical professionals who deal with people's private parts need to learn to be more communicative and more sensitive to people who have past sexual trauma. When I had to get this damned internal scan done during the year that was focused far too much on my lady parts due to post-menopausal bleeding, the technician was very brusque. When I had to get a second scan done, that technician talked me through it and allowed me to look at the image so I could see where the fibroids causing the problems were. The second time was much easier to deal with.