Fat Friday: Finding Balance

 

Image by GraphicMama-team from Pixabay

Balance is one of those things that I struggle with. I tend to have an all-or-nothing approach to pretty much, well, everything. It is deeply ingrained for me to criticize myself harshly regarding my imbalanced nature. I need to stop and remind myself that I am just now learning certain things that I should have learned a long time ago.

I am going to discuss physical exercise, which is a bone of contention for many of us because we have been scolded for not working out well enough, hard enough, long enough, or for not having achieved significant weight loss through exercise. While you are welcome to share your own experiences, I will not tolerate pro-weight loss commentary or body shaming. 

It is fine to mention that your parents, gym coach, personal trainer, or such body-shamed you and this led to an obsession with weight. It is not okay to say "yes, but if you just adhere to the Nuts and Bolts Lemonade Cleanse Cabbage Soup Diet while working out for six hours a day, you too could lose your unsightly fat!" Fuck right off with that shit. Also, saying things like, "well, it's fine as long as you're not THAT fat. If you weigh X pounds, that's okay. But if you weigh more than X pounds, that's unhealthy, teh obeeeeesiteee, blah blah blah," yeah yeah yeah, heard it all before. Fuck off with that shit too.

All the above shit does is sabotage any desire to exercise or engage in eating a nutritious, balanced diet. When I say "diet," I don't mean dieting for weight loss, I simply mean the food one eats. There is only one diet that I endorse, and that's the Fuck It Diet. I'll put a link at the end of the post.

I'm actually fairly careful with my diet because I'm diabetic. I'm not able to be as careful as I'd like to be because most of my food comes from the food bank. I would prefer to eat more vegetables, but I'm working with what I have. I am not better than someone who isn't in a place where they're able to eat a balanced diet or someone who is struggling with an eating disorder. I am not a lesser person than someone who can eat a perfectly satiating plant-based diet. I'd probably have to hire a chef to make that happen, and if I'm having to get my food from the food bank, hiring a chef isn't high on my list of things to do right now.

I have difficulty coming to grips with exercise. It isn't that I don't like to exercise, but I'm no longer able to do many of the things that I used to do. I also have that shitty voice in my head that tells me if I'm not able to run like a racehorse for miles while interspersing jumping jacks and other high-octane maneuvers and then lifting weights for an hour, well, what the fuck am I even doing? 

This kind of all-or-nothing thinking is toxic and leads people to stop exercising.

Diet culture fucking sucks. One of my missions in this life is to keep pointing that out until people finally start getting it. 

Eating "too much junk food" does NOT cause a person to develop diabetes. Being "too fat" does not cause a person to develop diabetes. The only thing that causes diabetes is having a genetic vulnerability to diabetes. It is likely that I would have developed diabetes eventually even if I ate the perfect diet and was the so-called "perfect" weight for my height. The rest of my endocrine system is a trash fire, so it was coming. However, I might have been able to stave it off for a few more years if I hadn't been in a constant state of food insecurity, because of poverty and self-inflicted food shortage, aka dieting. 

Dieting changes a person's body but not in the ways that the multi-billion dollar diet industry tells us. It fucks our metabolism. Eventually, the chronic dieter can no longer lose weight even when they adhere to an extremely restrictive plan.

I have my abusive life partner ED (Eating Disorder) under wraps most of the time, so we're not going to discuss him right now. Instead, I'm going to concentrate on discussing my struggles with exercise. 

In the early 90s following a difficult pregnancy and emergency c-section, while at the same time having severe food poisoning (campylobacter,) my body was torn up, and I was physically weak. I was ashamed of the way I looked and ashamed that I couldn't even push the pedals on the exercise bike hard enough to keep the display screen on. I enrolled at 24 Hour Fitness. 

Instead of suggesting that I concentrate on rebuilding my strength and endurance and advising me not to worry about the number on the scale, the focus was all on getting me back to my pre-pregnancy body. 

Stepping back in time for a moment, when I was taken to the OR to undergo an emergency c-section, the technician or nurse comforted me with the knowledge that I would be able to wear a bikini again because I would receive a horizontal incision. Even as obsessed with my appearance as I was at 25, I found this ludicrous. I couldn't have given a fuck less about being able to wear a bikini again. My child and I were going to die if he wasn't born, stat. 

Even in that horrible moment, the sexist attitudes that make prioritizing the idea of being able to wear a fucking bikini again during an obstetric emergency even a remote possibility enraged me. Above all else, women are to be pleasing to the male gaze. Is any woman who doesn't measure up to the Photoshopped and pornified standards of men's magazines even a woman?

Forward to today. I am struggling with the extremist attitudes that have been ingrained in my brain regarding exercise. Once I am finally able to make myself do a little workout, it's so psychologically taxing that I avoid it until I can psych or shame myself into doing it again. 

I know that it is important for people with ADHD to develop a schedule, so I "should" just schedule a certain time of day when I work out, right? Why not right after I get up and take my meds?

Not so fast, Sunshine. It's not quite that easy. I can't eat for a minimum of a half-hour after taking my thyroid medicine. 

Well, couldn't I just work out on an empty stomach?

Not if I don't want to risk tanking my blood sugar. I don't enjoy having to re-regulate things when my blood sugar is too high or in the toilet. The last time my blood sugar crashed I literally thought that I was on my way out and I was too drained to give a fuck. I forced myself to eat the world's most uninspiring sandwich and a packet of Bel-Vita breakfast biscuits and I didn't even inject any insulin. When I got home, I measured my blood sugar, and it was only 134. That's how depleted I'd been. So no, exercising on an empty stomach isn't an option.

Well, why not exercise right after breakfast?

Because I need to let the food digest a bit. Have you ever exercised right after a meal? Blergh. 

Okay, well, wait an hour and then exercise.

This is a good idea. The problem is, I'm usually into a project by then and don't want to lose my hot streak. Plus, I'm fighting the voice in my head that tells me if I can't be EXTREME, then what is even the sense?

I have to start low and slow. I have to give myself permission to realize that even five minutes is a triumph. Yes, I used to spend five hours a day at the gym on days that I didn't have to work. I'm not exaggerating. That's called orthorexia, and it isn't a good thing. I missed chunks of my son's early childhood because of it, and people still considered me "too fat." 

Body dysmorphia and all-or-nothing attitudes are something that I will have to combat for the rest of my life. I have mostly accepted the reality that I will always be heavy unless I become terminally ill the way my great-grandmother did. Since I still have plenty of damage to do, I'd prefer that not happen anytime soon, so the size-shamers can just kiss my fat ass. There's work to be done. 

Spirit of the Universe, please help me keep fighting my negative programming and society's hateful attitudes towards larger people. Please help me remember that my worth is not tied to a number on a scale and that good health, while desirable, is not a measure of personal value. Please help me to encourage those who may be fighting a similar battle. Amen.

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

The only diet books you will ever need.

The Fuck It Diet

https://bit.ly/FIDCIE

Health At Every Size

https://bit.ly/HAESCIE

Free Use Image from Open Clipart Vectors

Fat and Ornery

Free Use Image from Pixabay

Hangry says "fuck dieting."

The Icky, Sticky, Nit-Picky Legalese If You Please (Or Don't Please)

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Fat Friday: Fuck Dieting

 

This is my response to a poem about dieting by Paens Unplugged.

https://paeansunpluggedblog.wordpress.com/2020/10/10/chucking-away-dieting/

Let me be as real as it gets. If I hadn't discovered size acceptance and health at every size 10 years ago, I would still be a self-loathing fat person in the clutches of an eating disorder allowing other people to psychologically abuse me because of my size.

Instead, I am one angry fat bitch perpetually fighting an eating disorder (no, not binge eating) who does not allow concern trolls to bring their diet talk and psychological abuse to either my virtual or physical door.

My endocrine system is screwed six ways to Sunday. Unless I develop a life-threatening illness, I'm never going to be thin.

People are welcome to think I'm a hideous fat land whale, ham planet, or whatever other dumb epithets they want to use. I can't control people's thoughts or lack of empathy. But they are not welcome to abuse me and I will call out anyone who tries. This fat, disabled crone ain't playin'. 

Also, diets don't work long-term for more than about 5 percent of dieters. Most people regain the weight they lose and then some within five years. Eventually, one stops being able to lose weight. I know. I was able to lose weight every time I tried to hate myself thin when I was younger. Once I was over forty, forget it. 

Fuck dieting. The only diet I follow is the Fuck It Diet. Which is a real book, as it happens!

Inner Champion Workbook Chapter 5: Take the First Step (Fat Friday Edition)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through any of the links in this post, I receive a small commission from Amazon.

Fair warning that I am having a dark day despite it being bright and sunny outside. In fact, the bright sunniness makes the inner darkness worse. I hate when people say things like "how can you be depressed when it's so beautiful outside?" Please, if you say that sort of thing to someone who tells you they're feeling depressed, STOP! It doesn't help.

And now, on with the show.

An important goal that I’m going to achieve:

I don't know if this will happen or not, but there is an empty building across the street from my home which is zoned for commercial use. I will be able to access my 401K without penalty at 59, in other words, about four years from now. If the building is still available at that point, I am thinking about investing in it and bringing my idea to life.

"It won't be available then, Cie," you are probably saying. "Real estate goes fast!"

In the city, yes. Not out in the middle of nowhere. The house I'm currently living in had been empty since 2013.

"Well, what the hell do you think you're going to do with a building in the middle of nowhere, Cie?" you say now. 

I am thinking about opening a goat yoga studio.

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

"Goat yoga?" you sniff. "Who the hell is going to drive to your stupid goat yoga studio in the middle of nowhere?"

As my son observed when I postulated that I could probably pull in a few yuppies from Denver to drive out to Podunk on weekends for a goat yoga session:

"Denver? You mean Boulder."

He's right.

"Oh, and are you going to teach yoga, you disabled lardass? Who would want to take a class from you?"

No, I'm not, because I don't know the first thing about teaching yoga. I plan to put out a call for volunteer instructors, who would be allowed to record their sessions, pass out business cards, recruit people to sign up for their regular classes, and have a tip jar available.

By the way, a big rule at my studio will be this:

NO BODY SHAMING!

No fat-shaming.

No thin praising.

No encouragement of weight loss. No selling weight loss programs.

I want to provide an encouraging environment for every body. I want my studio to operate with a Health at Every Size (and every ability) approach.

Why this goal is important to me:

Most yoga classes shame larger students, behaving as if a literal monster just walked into the room when a big person comes in. It is also difficult for disabled students to find a class. I want the classes at my studio to encourage EVERY BODY, regardless of size or physical ability.

Image by filinecek from Pixabay

Why goat yoga?

Well, for those who have never heard of it, goat yoga is actually a thing. The presence of the goats is shown to have a calming and encouraging effect on those participating in the class. The goats won't have to learn the yoga poses. They'll be free to wander in and out of the classroom. And if a participant spends the entire session just playing with the goats, that's perfectly fine! Basically, the goats are therapy animals.

What has been preventing me from taking the first step?
Lack of access to funds.

How can I remove these obstacles or work around them?

Currently, I'm just waiting for four years and hoping nobody buys the place in the meantime. I also have a potential secondary site in mind.

The first step I am going to take toward achieving my goal:

I am currently making micro-investments with my small and undependable pay. I am hoping these will start generating passive income. I am also trying to promote my freelance literary services, as well as continuing to do reviews. I am going to apply to Kirkus Reviews at the beginning of next year in the hopes of bringing in another income stream.

For support and accountability, I am going to share my goal with:
My son knows, and now you all do too.

I feel better after writing this post. Sending positive energy to Lauren for the gift of her workbook, to Linda for the gift of Health at Every Size which helped me break out of the diet mindset almost 10 years ago, and to Caroline for the encouragement not to fall back into that limiting mindset.

Here are a couple more books to help you say FUCK YOU to diet culture and instead concentrate on REAL health, both mental and physical.

Fat Friday #17: Do Not Ignore the Hangry

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

Thanks to my decades-long abusive marriage to ED, my hunger cues are jacked, and my responses to them can be screwy too. 

Yesterday, I didn't eat all afternoon. I was busy working on things, and when I felt that little rumbly in my tumbly, I didn't do like Winnie the Pooh and grab a smackerel of Hunny. I ignored it and kept working. I learned long ago that I'm not allowed to eat unless I become absolutely ravenous, and that's a bad pattern that I tend to fall back into. I wasn't in a particularly bad place emotionally. I was on a pretty even keel with myself, in a neutral place as far as my body is concerned, which is the best that can be expected for me. I was just busy, and eating was inconvenient.

Nine o' clock at night rolled around, and I was ravenous. I had a big bag of beer-battered shrimp in the fridge. I was so hungry that all I could think of was eating everything in sight, so I cooked and ate that whole bag of shrimp.

During my entrenchment into Diet Culture, the next thing that would have happened would be for me to berate myself, call myself all sorts of horrible names, possibly spend a few hours working out to punish myself for my dieting "failure". 

In this case, I ended up saying "blah, I don't feel so good. Next time, I'll cook a regular serving and see if I want more after I eat that."

Bingeing is a natural response to food restriction, whether that restriction is deliberate or due to difficult circumstances. As Caroline Dooner points out in her marvelous book, The Fuck It Diet, your body doesn't know whether you're in the middle of a famine or simply trying to starve yourself thin enough to wear a ridiculously small bikini. It will respond the same way in either case.

By the way, you know that "hangry" feeling that happens when you're really hungry but don't have any food on hand or you're on your millionth diet that's going to Work Perfectly This Time And Make You Skinny and Hot Forever?

That feeling is telling you that YOU NEED TO EAT!

By the way, Hangry is that worm in the picture at the top of the post. He does not like to be ignored.

Do not ignore the Hangry.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

Dear Betty Crocker: How About Skipping the Size Shaming With your Soup and Salad Suggestions?

So, I get the Betty Crocker newsletter and I appreciate the helpful suggestions for people like me who are in a time crunch and don't have a lot of money. Recently, I discovered a cool page with tasty soup and salad pairings.

Well, it was almost a cool page. But it screwed that up from the giddyup with the size shaming bold as brass just below the initial picture.

"Fend off winter weight gain with these deliciously light soup and salad pairings."

You know what, Betty? I used to worry about that kind of shit. So, over the course of 33 years, I went on diet after diet. If there was a new diet, I tried it. I lost a lot of weight over the years. It always returned with friends. I had to stop dieting so I wouldn't get any heavier. Lo and behold, my weight stabilized. 

If I eat soup and salad, it's because I want to eat soup and salad, not because I give a flea fart in a category five hurricane about "winter weight gain."

I left this comment on the page:

I prefer my food suggestions without the side order of size shaming. It would have been easy enough to suggest soup and salad pairings without dragging terms like "winter weight gain" into it. Interestingly enough, there are links to dessert or cake-like bread recipes at the top of the page. Which, I suppose, one is supposed to have a nibble of and then throw the rest away due to the fear of "winter weight gain."

Making everything about weight and shaming larger people leads to bullying and eating disorders. That is a side dish I can do without.

It seems to me that the content writers over at the Betty Crocker website need a good dose of the Fuck It Diet. Or, as I like to call it, the last diet you'll ever need.

I only wish I had known about the Fuck It Diet back when I was a bulimic teenager. I also wish there had been big, beautiful role models like Adele, Beth Ditto and Tess Holliday back in the 1970s and 1980s. There might have been fewer vulnerable young women ending up with eating disorders if we had been able to see women of all sizes looking confident and fashionable.

~Cie~