There has always been such an onus on possessing a certain kind of beauty, which I never have, to be certain. I developed an eating disorder when I was 12 years old because I was so terrified of becoming fat. At this point I am fat, and so what? As J.K. Rowling said, “Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me.”
I still struggle with my toxic relationship with ED, but at this point, it's not really by choice. I'm food insecure, so I tend to ration food and eat only one or two meals a day. ED starts praising me, and I tell him to fuck off. I would like to be able to eat three meals a day plus snacks. Starvation syndrome is for--well, nobody should have to experience it. It sucks. By the way, still fat, and if that matters to anybody, they really need to check themselves.
Why is such emphasis placed on being a pretty decoration with no real skills or personality? It's something I learned over the years, that if I wasn't pretty in a certain way, I was nothing. Having been molested at a young age, I already saw myself as monstrous. Most days it's a fight to even see myself as just ordinary rather than horrible. It shouldn't be that way.
~Cie~
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