the canopy bed

Copyright Jeff Wood on Pixabay

https://pixabay.com/photos/bed-canopy-wild-natural-wilderness-5065872/

in                                                        my                                    childhoood

room                                           there was a                                canopy bed

and I  dreamed many big dreams of many big things, believing that one day

they  would all come true, but in reality, big dreams lead to massive crashes

my dreams                                                                                     my hopes

came crashing                                                                              down hard

nobody heard                                                                              the sound of

my defeat                                                                                        except me

nobody gave                                                                                a flying damn

I was just                                                                                      a stupid girl

being a massive                                                                            drama queen

one day the                                                                                  canopy was

taken down                                                                                    and it was

never put                                                                                          back up

the little girl with a head full of dreams too massive for this world was dead

I buried her but the dreams continued to haunt me as I tried hard to conform

to a world that wasn't made for, that was filled with disdain for the likes of me

I no longer have a pretty canopy bed upon which to lay my ugly head, I said

to dream that I will wake up pretty and be the toast of the city, it's time to let

those dreams                                                                                  fall dead

don't look                                                                                       back now

your hope                                                                                      died somehow

it was                                                                                             too big

for this                                                                                            little world

now bury                                                                                        your dreams

and step                                                                                          in time

it's time                                                                                          to conform

you foolish                                                                                     little girl

notes

I'm not sure this looks like a canopy bed. I tried. I am dreadful at making shape poems.

I biffed the prompts yesterday (I did the "change" poem two days in a row), so today I'm doing two April PAD challenge prompts: massive and don't look back. The NaPoWriMo prompt was to describe a bedroom from my past.

And now for the inevitable blah-blah.

Content coyright 2020 by Cara Hartley

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This poem is published on the following sites:

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NaPoWriMo 2020 Day 14 + April PAD Challenge 2020 Day 14: Your Legacy

Image by Barbara Bonanno from Pixabay

I

am not

what you hoped

but I am, nonetheless

the legacy that you created

I am your Frankenstein monster

built from the things

that made your life

worth living

I am a

twisted

sorry

awful

mockery

a failure

of a person

I am not 

what you hoped

but I am, nonetheless

the gifts you gave me

~cie~

NaPoWriMo: write a poem about the people who inspired you to write poems

April PAD Challenge: write a form poem

notes

I think the shape above is a chess pawn. It started out as a simple diamante but turned into what you see. It is what it is.

This poem addresses my late father. He was a professor of literature and humanities who also taught technical writing. I was a precocious little skidmark who learned to read and write by the time I was four years old. I think my father believed that this prodigious spark meant that I was destined for greatness. He read poetry to me. I started reading Edgar Allan Poe's works when I was six years old.

My father wound up tremendously disappointed in me. I was a fuckup who could never do anything right and I had a slew of psychological problems. I was singled out and abused by my peers. I married too young. I had one abusive relationship after another. I engaged in self-harm. Possibly, worst of all, between a fucked endocrine system and years of yo-yo dieting, I ended up fat. My father believed that being fat was a sign of failure. He always went to great lengths to prevent himself from being fat. He ran six miles a day for many years. However, his vascular system was a disaster. He had a major hemorrhagic stroke at 68 years old. At the time of his death at age 74, he had suffered several more strokes, had congestive heart failure and vascular dementia, and was confined to a wheelchair.

If anyone's first inclination is to tell me "cHeEr Up, U cAn StiLLL LUz3 tEh WaTeZ!!111!!!" my suggestion to you is to check the ever-loving fuck out of yourself. Preferably on ice during a hockey game. I tried to hate myself thin for 33 years. With my endocrine problems, it is highly unlikely that I will ever be thin unless I do what my great-grandmother did. She developed acute myelogenous leukemia, dropped from 300 pounds to 95 in the space of a year, and dropped dead. But hey, she cut a svelte figure in her coffin, and, apparently, that's the only fucking thing that counts. Never mind that she was now, you know, DEAD.

In any case, I'm not going to waste another goddamn minute of my time trying to hate myself into the body that other people think I'm supposed to have. Thirty-three years of that shit is long enough. People who think I, or anyone else should do that, can slam down a hot, steaming cup of STFU, read the following fine books, and fuck off forever. Or if you're not a brainwashed, narrow-minded asswipe and you simply think: "say, those books look like they have some good information," you can read them while drinking what you want and omit the fucking off part. I'd think that was pretty cool.

November PAD Chapbook Challenge 2019: Day 12: Form

Image by Elizabeth Thomas from Pixabay

you

can't force

me to adhere

to a prescribed form

I'm totally a

free spirit

Fuck!

~Cie~

Note:

The November PAD Chapbook Challenge prompt was to write a form poem or anti-form poem. I've been doing a lot of heavy lifting in my poetry recently, so I wanted to just have fun with this one.

By the way, YouTube can kiss my butt with it's new stopping the music to check and see if I'm still listening bullshit. Bitch, I have the music on while I'm writing or sleeping and I like it like that. I don't want to have to check in with you. I want to let the damn music play.

OctPoWriMo 2018: Day 14: Not Your Fat Joke

If

I

were

me

sooner

than

I

believed I could be

Then I would have

Followed my dreams

And believed in myself

In spite of people telling me

That people who look like me

Are only allowed to be

The butt of jokes

Fuck that shit

I refuse to

Disappear

~Cie~

Note:

I wasn't quite sure how to do it, but I think I made the basic shape of a certain gesture 

OctPoWriMo 2017: Day 28: LONE

Copyright: grandfailure / 123RF Stock Photo

LONE

Lonely

Lonely me

I feel unwanted

I feel undeserving

I fear I'm fatally flawed

LONE, lonely me, fatally flawed

~Cie and Pepper~

Notes:

Here is another work which is autobiographical to the author and also descriptive of Fetch's female protagonist, Pepper Baiij.

I desperately want to get back to working on stories again. I am lost without them.

At least I met Gem on the astral plane while in a troubled sleep that I hoped never to wake from.

In a world that wants sunshine, flowers, chirping birds, and unicorn farts, I bring you depressing poetry. Hence, I walk alone through this life.

~Cie~