Sijo: Total Heartbreak

Haiga copyright Cara Hartley 2017

Knowing that I will never see my feline friends again

I feel a total heartbreak that some cannot understand

If they could only know the home I have found here without them

~cie~

NaPoWriMo: write a poem about a pet

http://www.napowrimo.net/day-twenty-nine-6/

April PAD Challenge: write a "total (blank)" poem

https://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/poetic-asides/2020-april-pad-challenge-day-29

A Sijo is a new form for me. The rules can be found here:

https://www.writersdigest.com/whats-new/sijo-poetic-form

The Inevitable Legalese and Other Blah-Blah

Content coyright 2020 by Cara Hartley

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http://animalanarchy.blogspot.com

http://poetryofthenetherworld.blogspot.com

http://publish0x.com/naughty-netherworld-press

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If you enjoy my poetry, grab yourself a copy of my e-book, available from Kindle for 99 cents. https://amzn.to/3aExYT5

Carpe Diem Love Month: Animal Friends: Senryu

all my little friends

there have been far too many

can't do it again

~cie~

notes

There are people who have said to me when I say that I won't get any more cats because I can't bear to lose any more cats that I'm being selfish.

I lost five cats in the space of five years, and I've lost many more before them. There are many that I can't think of without it bringing tears to my eyes. I've also lost quite a few people. I am pretty well numb with grief. I think that it's cruel to tell someone in my position that they are being "selfish" for wanting to avoid further pain. 

Inflicting guilt on someone who is already suffering is the ultimate in thoughtlessness.

Carpe Diem Love Month + Haiku My Heart: Butterflies, my First Love (Senryu)

Image by Schwoaze from Pixabay

lovely butterfly

small girl cries with all her heart

you lie motionless

~cie~

notes

I didn't want to write about romantic love. (Blech.) So I decided to write about one of the two things I loved very much as a child. My first experience with death involved finding a butterfly still on the sidewalk on a cold, rainy day while walking with my father at three years old. I was devastated. 

Fifty-two years have gone by since then. My father is now gone too.

Carpe Diem Love Month: Unconditional Love for a Wonderful Friend

One of my best friends always

Lafayette

17 July 2009 - 17 July 2015

you came to see me

in a dream so real I knew

you were truly here

~cie~

notes

I've no intention of arguing the reality of this with anyone, so if you've a burning need to prove me wrong, kindly take it somewhere else.

Lafayette was one of the dearest friends I've had. He truly loved me unconditionally. He did not see me ugly, the way most of the world has. He did not judge my large size or my repugnant face in a harsh way. He did not judge my lack of success or my physical or psychological anomalies. He just wanted to be my friend and he was always very happy to have me come home. He sat with me when I worked. He never would have done anything to hurt me, but things went badly wrong with his body and he was taken from me much too soon.

Today when I slept, I was given the opportunity to be with Lafayette again for a while. I thank the angelic being who gave me this opportunity with all my soul. I thanked him for allowing me to be with my sweet, fluffy kitty once again, for allowing me to be with my dear friend.

When I had to leave that reality and come back to my body, it broke my heart. I wanted to stay with a friend who never saw me through eyes of disappointment or disgust. Still, this experience allowed me to break free from the fear of physical demise that has been plaguing me for many months. I now know that when I leave my body, I will be with Lafayette again.

I have been having a fair bit of trouble physically, and I am not given the assistance I need. The amount of insulin I've been prescribed isn't adequate. I will go for long periods of time without insulin, and it is damaging my body. I am fearful that it will eventually lead to a hemorrhagic stroke because of vascular damage.

I am actually quite good about being compliant with using insulin as necessary. I just need to be prescribed enough to get the job done. I often refuse to eat so I can ration my insulin. This isn't right, none of it is right.

This world has been cruel to me throughout my life. It is a world that is relentless to those who are different. 

By the way, if you're one of those people who feels a need to tell everyone how much you hate tattoos, now would be a great time to shut up about that too. I'm not forcing you to get one. This one is on my shoulder and will be for life.

I've not been doing very well either mentally or physically in some time. I have a strong sense of doom hanging over me, but after my visit with Lafayette, I don't fear it any longer. I just hope I am allowed enough time to get the rest of my shit in order so I don't leave my son with a huge mess to deal with when I'm gone. I worry about him. He really doesn't have anyone he can rely on at all except for me. That's a scary thing, considering how precarious my health is.

Carpe Diem 7 Days Before Christmas: Light

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Haiga created in Pixlr 

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Carpe Diem #1779 Cliffs of Moher ... a tribute to Jane Reichhold (monody, Senryu)

Image source

in that last moment

I hope that you were at peace

may you now fly free

~Cie~

Notes:

I was previously unaware that Jane Reichhold (1937 - 2016) had committed suicide because the pain of her fibromyalgia had become unbearable. Please click the Fishy banner to find out more about Jane's story.

We will never learn how to reduce the rate of suicide if it is a stigmatized, taboo subject. If people are afraid or ashamed to discuss suicide ideation, then their struggles will remain internalized. The ways that suicide ideation and attempted suicide are currently handled are ineffective and the unthinking and unfeeling diatribe that the surviving family members of a person who committed suicide are subject to are simply shameful.

Any time a celebrity commits suicide, there's always someone sanctimoniously spouting about how "selfish" this person was, and I want to take them aside and shake them and shout: "Hello, you insensitive twit! Did it never occur to you in your moment of self-righteousness to realize that anyone listening to you could have a loved one who took their own life? How dare you be so thoughtless!"

When I was in high school, I had a friend whose brother had committed suicide when she was eight years old. She said that people would come up to her on the playground and tell her that her brother was in hell for what he'd done. I say there ought to be a special spit in hell reserved for mealy-mouthed marshmallows who make such unkind assertions.

I leave you now with this banner that I use as my Facebook avatar anytime a celebrity takes their own life because I just know that the ignorant spoutings are going to elevate at such times.

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation #105 + Haiku My Heart: Lost In Time: A Senryu

Image by Reimund Bertrams from Pixabay

when my time has come

will my words be remembered

or fade as i do

~cie~

NaPoWriMo 2019 Day 30 + Poems in April 2019 Day 30: Thank You Jimi

Copyright Nico van der Stam

I want to thank you

For some much-needed wisdom

Across many years

~Cie~

Notes:

I watched the Jimi Hendrix documentary, Voodoo Child, this evening. 

I didn't really become a Jimi Hendrix fan until I was in my teens. He died when I was only five years old. I saw a documentary about him when I was eighteen or nineteen, and it was good, but this documentary reveals more of his personal thoughts. He was brilliant and he left a lot of wisdom for the world. 

The wisdom he imparted to me today is to stop looking for adulation and approval from others. This is something that I've struggled with my entire life.

When asked how it felt to receive so many compliments about his work, Jimi said that he really didn't care about compliments, in fact, he found that they distracted him from what was important: creation.

I think that's what it really means to be secure in oneself. Not so much thinking that one is flawless, but to be able to see the worth of one's goals and actions regardless of the opinions of the masses. 

Lots of views and comments stroke the needy ego of the insecure and wounded child that remains within the crusty, curmudgeonly, and likely not at all tasty exterior shell which houses my soul. 

This becomes a distraction to the creator. I start wanting to please my visitors rather than express myself through my words.

Next time I get stuck in that unharmonious groove, I need to remember Jimi's wise thoughts on the matter.

I will always be a fan of Jimi Hendrix the musician. 

Perhaps most people won't understand this, but that doesn't matter.

I also appreciate Jimi Hendrix the philosopher, and I'm grateful for the wisdom and works that he left behind.

(Don't move: this has been a Haibun!)

NaPoWriMo 2019 Day 19 + Poems in April Day 1 & 19: Aprils Ago

Per Ohlin

17 January 1969 - 8 April 1991

Death by a self-inflicted gunshot wound

Aprils ago a

Broken spirit

Chose

Death

Empathy

Found me

Grieving

His passing

Impotently

Just thinking

Kind thoughts and holding

Love in my heart

Made

No difference

Protecting a soul

Quite so

Raw and

Sad was

Terribly

Unlikely

Vain regretting

While wishing that

Xolotl would guide

You to the spirit world by a gentle

Zephyr

~Cie~

Prompt 1

Prompt 19

Notes:

Seldom have I encountered a more troubled soul than Per Ohlin. As my lovely friend, the late Walt Cessna would have said, he was fukt 2 start wit. 

(This was the title of Walt's autobiography. He said that I inspired him to actually sit down and write it. I have always treasured this knowledge. Walt died from complications of AIDS.)

I sometimes become overwhelmed and try to bury my empathic nature. It doesn't stay buried for long. Maybe a minute, maybe an hour, rarely more than a day, and then, as Per once wrote, up from the tomb it comes. I can't ignore the soul calls for long.

I wish I had known about the phenomenon of soul calls when I was younger. It could have saved me a lot of grief, but it's too late now. Anyone who is of a metaphysical mind is welcome to read about this issue here. For anyone who is not of a metaphysical mind, do us both a favor and don't bother. This isn't the high school debate team, I'm tired, and I have no desire to bend anyone to my own particular set of beliefs. 

I am utilizing the Poems in April prompts again, but I am not joining up with the Linky in order to prevent another barney from brewing. Instead, I will comment on a few poems from people who have been kind and supportive along the way. Bit of a shame as I was getting a kick out of having so many visitors, but I find confrontation stressful, so best to keep that gate shut, I think.

NaPoWriMo 2019: Day 17: A Quatern In Memory of Rachel

Image by Katja Just from Pixabay

Dear Rachel, you were my good friend
In many ways, your life was hard
You came from humble beginnings
Were buried in a pauper's grave

Strange that you've been gone ten years
Dear Rachel, you were my good friend
One of the few to accept me
One of the few to know my heart

Wish I could have done more to help
Though there were many miles between
Dear Rachel, you were my good friend
I have never forgotten you

I wish you hadn't died alone
Wish I could have been by your side
You were estranged from family
Dear Rachel, you were my good friend

Love,
Cie

Notes:

Written in memory of my spirited friend
Rachel Lee (September 8, 1940 - April 17, 2009) who died of complications from diabetes. 

This isn't where Rachel is buried, but she would love this place.

We will meet again in a place like this.
The poem is a Quatern. (Duh.)
I didn't end up following the NaPoWriMo prompt.

I am no longer doing the Imaginary Garden With Real Toads Poems in April prompts.
While there were a lot of great people who made me feel like I might have found "my tribe", it became clear that I really didn't belong there, so I feel it's best that I distance myself. Thank you to those of you who were kind to this freak of nature. Maybe one day Rachel and I will have tea with you in a place like the lovely memorial garden pictured above.