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I am a walking contradiction. It isn't that I set out to deceive anyone, but I'm not always forthcoming. This may be part and parcel of the fun shenanigans played by a brain with bipolar disorder. (Type 2)
When I am hypomanic, I tend to be very forthcoming.
When I am depressed, I withdraw because I don't figure that anyone wants to hear anything that I have to say.
When I'm euthymic, it's somewhere in between, only without the self-loathing. On one hand, I don't feel like I have anything to hide. On the other hand, I figure nobody needs to know anything that I don't feel like revealing.
I have a high degree of social anxiety. Sometimes the hypomanic component overrides this, but it always comes back. This is why I may have a day where I'm waltzing around promoting my faboo posts on blog hops, and the next day I am overwhelmed and may not be able to reply to comments for a long time.
People tend to feel that someone who doesn't reply to comments right away is simply a rude a-hole. Most of the time, I find that people are overwhelmed by trying to do too many things, for instance, they may have a job and a family and are also trying to create and promote. Also, many people have anxiety and other psychological issues and these can sideline them. I tend to assume in most cases that the person who didn't reply isn't rude, they're simply overwhelmed.
There are two things that I suck at. Sheesh, I wish it was only two. Truth be told, I suck at everything, but these are the two things that pertain to this discussion.
I suck at blogging. Seriously, I am not a good blogger. Someone once said that being a blogger and being a writer are not the same thing, and boy howdy is that ever true.
I suck at promotion and networking and all that kind of happy crappy. I seriously wish I had the money to hire someone to do it for me because I make such a mess of it. This ties into the whole sucking at blogging thing.
Here's how I messed things up this time.
On Sunday, I thought: "Say, let's do some blog hops with my Sunday Dinner post!"
On Monday, I thought: "Well, let's continue with that..."
On Tuesday, I was still trying to get to all the blog hops that I thought it would be a good idea to share that post with.
There are some of y'all out there who participate in a metric butt-ton of blog hops every week and I have to admit that I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU DO IT! That right there is a full-time job. Maybe (probably) I'm just stupid. But my hat would be off to you if I wore a hat. I could take off my pants, socks, or shirt, but ain't nobody wants to see that.
I have a group of goals (more like a cluster f**k of goals) that I'm trying to make happen. Some of them I've been trying to make happen for years. Admissibly, it's harder for me because I'm not a social butterfly. I'm more of a social hermit crab. My attitude tends to take one of two forms.
1) I scuttle up, present my work, and say "here ya go, love it or leave it." Then I scuttle off to make something else.
2) I scuttle up, present my work, and whimper "please don't be mean to me!" Then I scuttle off and withdraw into my shell for a week or so.
Now, let's talk about me for a minute.
I've been belittled on many occasions for not honing in on JUST ONE BIG THING WITH LASER FOCUS!!!111!! I've also been belittled for having shaky self-esteem. I always beat myself up for both of these "shortcomings."
Why would I put "shortcomings" in quotation marks?
Because I don't think these things are shortcomings. It sucks to have poor self-esteem, but how the actual hell do people think it helps someone overcome their low self-esteem when you're berating them for having low self-esteem? Improving one's self-esteem isn't the kind of thing that happens overnight.
People with low self-esteem have one thing in common. We have all been abused. Whether this abuse comes from family, schoolmates, or society at large, we've been abused. Abuse gets internalized, and it can take a long time to reverse that process. Often, it is never fully reversed.
The self-esteem issue is a post in itself, so I'm going to table that for now.
As to being unable to hone in on one target with laser focus and pigeonhole myself into a niche, I've tried that. Again and again and again. I have failed at it every time.
It took me 54 years to learn some important things about me. First, I have ADD. This has an effect on the way I interact with the world and what it throws at me. Combine ADD with bipolar disorder and you're pretty well guaranteed to have a person who will not do well trying to have LASER FOCUS!
ADD affects the way I write. I'm a prolific writer, but I go off on sidetracks. I learned that instead of trying to write focused novels, I need to write collections of novelettes that have a central theme and that can work together or be read as separate short stories.
My thought process works a lot like the way time works according to Dr. Who.
What I'm getting around to is this:
My writing comes first. I get very upset when I don't do it. I hate the fact that I have to promote it. It makes me very anxious. I know that I'm an acquired taste that most people don't tend to acquire. So is my writing. I doubt that I'll ever make a lot of money off my writing. But I can't hold a normal job, so I'm trying to find alternative ways to make money.
I need to promote the alternative means, just like I need to promote the writing.
But then people get angry with me for promoting...well, anything, really.
Here is what I'm getting around to.
I didn't mean to make anyone angry at me. I'm sorry if I didn't reply to your comment yet. You may think I'm a jerk, but I didn't mean to be. I'm still trying to refine my process, and I may never be any good at any of this.
Thanks for reading. I'm going to go make some soda bread now.
~Your Ornery Old Aunt Cie~
First and foremost. YOU. DO. NOT. SUCK. AT. BLOGGING.ReplyDelete
I am sometimes overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of posts and blogs that you have but those are my issues not yours.
As far as I know there is no blogging rule book. Your blogs, your space, your decision.
I rarely post about how I am feeling. Mostly because I don't want to bore people. Sometimes because I feel ashamed of who I am. Sometimes because I don't understand who I am.
I appreciate, as I have so often sad, your honesty. And your rawest posts frequently resonate with me. We have different issues, different experiences and (I think) quite a lot of common ground.
Which is one of the reasons I keep blogging and value the blogosphere. It introduces me to people and perspectives I would not have come across any other way.
I am now going away to consider the low self esteem/abuse question.
A lot of people have written Blogging Rules. Many of these rules contradict themselves. You need to post every day. But you shouldn't post too much. You need to focus on one thing. But if you focus too much on one thing, that's boring. You need to be open and honest. But if you're too open and honest that's bad.Delete
I learned at an early age to constantly second-guess myself. Nothing I did was ever good enough to please my very perfectionistic parents.
I am an epic failure on those blogging rules. And care nothing.Delete
And yes, it isn't second guessing precisely but I AM intensely critical of myself. Always.