November PAD Chapbook Challenge Day 24: A Dialogue

you had my heart

I only wanted a hookup

you should have said so

you took the chance

you shouldn't lie

you should be more careful who you trust

you should be ashamed

but you're the one who is

how can you be so heartless?

it's your fault for thinking with your heart

why do you think cruel is cool?

I'm not the one sitting home crying

you're a miserable liar

you're the one who feels like dying

I did everything you wanted

and now I'll find someone else to do the same

you are the worst

but I won't take the blame

you are the lowest

but you carry the shame

~Cie~

Notes:

Today's November PAD Chapbook Challenge asked for a dialogue poem. I had this terrible conversation all too many times in my younger days when my self-esteem was at its worst and I let bad guys do terrible things to me in the vain hope that they would love me back. Being the cold-hearted bitch that I get accused of being when I rebuff the advances of jerks who think I should consider myself lucky that they're paying attention to me is far better than being broken-hearted and feeling used.

Carpe Diem Summer Challenge: Red Sweat

Image by Isabella Quintana from Pixabay

A warning that today's prompt did not invoke in me the feeling it would in a person with a normal history when it comes to sex. I instead ended up having a physical flashback. I have not had good experiences in this area. My work addresses this, and thus I give you the opportunity to leave my work unread.

The late 1990s were extremely difficult. My mental illness would not be properly diagnosed until 2004 when I was closing in on 40 years old. Self-harm became a way of coping when I was in my early teens. When I tried to talk to anyone about what had happened to me, they only tried to push drugs on me in the case of medical "experts" and didn't listen when I told them that the drugs only made my situation worse. I have always had paradoxical responses to drugs such as benzodiazepines, and SSRI's make me manic and psychotic, although I didn't know that was what was happening at the time.

My family's response when I told them what had happened was to tell me that I got over it before and could get over it again. 

I had no support and in swooped another predator who saw his chance of getting something he wanted from a very vulnerable person. I have written horror stories from the time I was quite young, and one might think that I would compare this individual to a vampire. Incorrect. He was a ghoul.

My poem is not about impassioned lovers wrestling as one. It is about a discarded and misunderstood person wrestling with herself. It has taken me more than 20 years to finally begin to forgive her for being so broken and allowing predators to harm her repeatedly.

What happened last year

You capitalized upon

Red sweat on my arms

~Cie~