Sunday, January 7, 2018

The Cheese Grates It Poetically: The Vile Truth

Abandoned House
Image obtained from
Content warnings for profanity and gloomy, pissed-off poetry
If you have a problem with either of those, don't read this and then bitch about it
Anyway, I didn't write it for you

The Vile Truth
It's time to write a poem all about me
To tell a truth which will set no-one free
I won't deny, it will be bleak 
If sweetness you want, somewhere else you should seek
For I speak only the vile truth


I graduated high school back in 1983
Into a world which despises people like me
I was never spry or slick 
Nobody wanted to be my sidekick
I was one of the forgotten people

Let's get the eating disorder aside first
For although it's bad, it isn't the worst
In a world which treats thinner people like they walk on water 
My sin was being the chunky-thighed, chipmunk-faced daughter
A plump, unloved candle with two charred ends

Starve until you get thin then binge when you can no longer stand it
Same sorry story, I'm so done with this shit
To spy on celebrities and watch their weight with disdain
This society has a lot of reasons to be ashamed
A dose of fetish in a shallow, judgmental world

Why don't you sprinkle on a little more self-righteous hate
When I look at you, what I see isn't that great
You tap-dance a sleazy staccato while you whistle a disdainful tune
Sing "I'm prettier than my brother" as you sashay across the room
Attractive on the outside, but filled with a soul-scathing darkness 

Perhaps you should pay more attention to the shadows in the cellar
Of your own soul, and not that of the other fellow
Watch your back is something I learned long ago
Men who tell me I'm pretty have a hand they won't show
Predators have left me with a heart made of frozen filaments


 I funnel my sorrowfulness into my writing though I don't believe
That anything of worth in this life I will achieve
She ran away from everything that hurt her, even herself
I have nothing to brag on, not fame, wealth, or health
My struggles inescapable: a mind without doors


 If the deities think there are different things I should do
I want to hear it from them, not you
I don't know if I believe in magic any more
But perhaps one day the fairies will settle the score
I can't help but hope for the wrath of the dryads


On this shallow world
Which destroys those
Who are not deemed beautiful
In a very narrow way
Which judges people on looks rather than 
On the way they treat others


Yes, I'm angry.
No, I don't want your suggestions on how I can finally become thin, beautiful, and find Prince Charming.
I want a world where we don't judge people on their physique or their perceived beauty, and Prince Charming would be just one more pain in the ass whose needs I had to attend to.
I don't pull punches with my poetry. 
I don't write about sweetness and light.
To me, poetry is hyperbolic.
It isn't a process of trying to make myself into one of the shiny happy people instead of an icky, dark, depressive thing.
It is simply me expressing thoughts that are not appropriate dinner conversation.
I am nearly 53 years old and I have a lot of health problems plus I live with a brain that has been trying to kill me for my entire life. 
To break that down into a diagnosis that people who need an explanation for everything can understand, I have three major mental illnesses and I do not respond well to medication. I live with this shit. I accept this shit. But that doesn't mean I necessarily like it. Whatever potential I had was stolen from me by mental illness and more so by a society which has disdain for people like me, make no mistake.
As to my body, I discovered health at every size and size acceptance when I was 45. If I had discovered these critical concepts years ago, I might not have tried to starve myself into an arbitrary "acceptable" size. I might not have wasted hours a day at the gym instead of spending time with my son in his early years, all in the quest of achieving a "perfect" body so someone might "love" me. My overexercising (orthorexia) contributed to a lot of the musculoskeletal problems I now have. I couldn't exercise like that anymore even if I wanted to. 
Further, these behaviors never made me thin. I do not have the kind of body that will be thin regardless of how much I starve or overexercise it. Unless I become terminally ill as my great-grandmother did (acute myelogenous leukemia took her from 300 pounds to 95 pounds in the space of a year and then she died--but, hey, she cut a svelte figure in her casket!) I will never be thin. Fuck it. If this is a problem for you, than you're the one with the problem. You shouldn't be judging people based on their body type.
I'm diabetic, so I have to be careful about what I eat. My go-to snack is seasoned Kale. My treat is five of those little "fun size" candy bars: two sugar-free and three regular. I drink unsweetened nut milk, which is 45 calories per cup. Do I think this makes me some kind of saint? Fuck no! It actually pisses me the hell off to have to mind what I eat to this degree, and, in fact, I find discussions of diet and exercise boring as fuck. Who the fuck cares what you eat or how much you exercise? I certainly don't, it's none of my damn business. I only mention it because my point is I eat a very restrictive diet and I'm still fat. A person's body type is much more complex than "calories in, calories out."
I have to inject insulin because I have a zombie pancreas. I also have to take thyroid medication, because I have a zombie thyroid. My PCOS is pretty well resolved thanks to menopause. However, my pituitary is whack in some sort of unspecified way. I have a crappy, third-rate endocrine system. My crappy, third-rate endocrine system insures that in a world where thinness is next to godliness, I will always be fat. I honestly don't care about that. It just pisses me off that so many people do care about it, and, further, that they think it is their right to care about it.

Here is your TL:DR takeaway:
Quit judging other people for their looks or based on what you think they "should" have accomplished in their lives. You probably don't know what battles they're fighting or how much impact your words have. If blaming and shaming worked, we would have no addicts, no fat people, and no-one would be mentally ill or struggling for even the most meager of "success." Try a measure of kindness instead.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

 Prompt List

The Daily Post
Daily Text Prompt:
I want to hear it from them, not you

Hourly Writing Prompts:

Mindlovemisery's Menagerie 

Prompts Blog:
I'm prettier than my brother 

The Sunday Whirl
 We Write At Dawn:
Watch your back

She ran away from everything that hurt her, even herself 

Word and Phrase List

I'm prettier than my brother
I want to hear it from them, not you
Watch your back

The Vile Truth
Shadows in the Cellar
Frozen Filaments
Inescapable: A Mind without Doors
Soul Scathing Darkness
Wrath of the Dryads
A Dose of Fetish
The Forgotten People
Charred Ends


  1. All I can say is that the mirror lies. There are millions of people who don't look like starving models who lead beautiful happy lives because there is more than aping them to be seen and admired. Best not to judge others but converse as though all people are acceptable to you too and you will find they are. Don't mix with the show offs parading their bodies, but engage with others and listen to them discovering that there is a different more beautiful world for you to live and thrive in.

  2. Girl, I hear you! When people compliment me on the weight loss I have "accomplished," I want to shove a fucking cheese grater up their ass! I promise I won't use your cute little cheese grater lady, though. Ha!
    Yes, it's such an accomplishment to have lost weight because my damn medications make me have no appetite. Nevermind that I have a degenerative neurological disease which is robbing me of my ability to do anything over time. Hey, at least I'm thinner now! Now if I could just lose that last stubborn ten pounds, right? Fuck that shit!
    I know I drove my poor Jonny crazy, bless his sweet soul. After each of our babies was born, all I could talk about was how fat I was and how I was going to get thinner and be beautiful. I didn't believe him when he said I was beautiful as I was. I thought he was just saying it because he was my husband and it was what he thought he should say.
    I miss his skinny ass so much. He could eat anything he wanted and never gain a pound.
    That's another one that gets to me. When people tell me I've been a widow for so long and I should find another man. There isn't any other man I could ever want, and what am I going to do, roll down the street in my power chair with a sign that says "come and get it, Boys!"
    People really need to mind their own fucking business and stop minding ours!
    Love you!

    Desi AKA Yeris

  3. I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I struggle with mental illness (PTSD, disassociate disorder, social anxiety disorder, Orthorexia (to name a few). Health-wise I have an exhausted thyroid and a very strong family history of thyroid disease which makes weight management challenging, Menorrhagia etc. I struggled with weight as a child and I remember how merciless people were about it not just others kids but adults who felt the need to shame me even though at that age I wasn't preparing my meals yet. Body shaming doesn't work and actually I found body shaming isn't just something people do when you are over or under weight, they do it to normal weight people as well. Magazines, celebs have this super messed up view of healthy, that is dangerous and completely toxic. If I were to have a 6 pack I would be unable to menstruate and my bones would deteriorate, there is a certain amount of fat women should have and that little pouch of fat under the belly button is actually there for a reason. Of course a woman who is ripped would have DD breasts because everyone knows breasts aren't made of fat, they are made of plastic. What people don't get is those health models starve and dehydrate themselves prior to a shoot and often take laxatives to get rid of everything and then after all that they are airbrushed to the point of absurdity. A natural body is best imo. I enjoy exercise but I no longer do it to excess and I enjoy food (I try to be moderate with both). I don't diet because any time I calorie cut my thyroid just shuts off full stop. I find I stay in a healthier place mentally and physically when I don't diet at all.


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