I decided to do something a little different today. I drew a Tarot card to ruminate on and got the Devil in reverse. The card is from the International Icon Tarot.
The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand. The Devil, when reversed: Resistance of temptation. Freedom from bondage. The pursuit of higher goals despite the influence of luxury and pleasure. Release from obsession with money and power. Liberation from fear, weakness, and indecision through communion with higher powers or the inner voice.
So even though I don't think I've been doing a great job with it, the Universe seems to think that I am breaking away from my clamoring for adulation and belief that I am a loser if I am not insanely wealthy.
I am aware that there are people who think that divination tools including the Tarot are "evil" and there are others who think they are silly. I don't think either of those things. You're welcome to think whatever the fuck you think on this subject. I don't intend to argue either way about it with you, so keep that shit to yourself and go write about it on your own blog if you are so inclined. I'm not religious but I'm not an atheist either. I don't have a problem with either atheists or religious people as long as they can be respectful of my agnostic views.
I was going to do a little more with this, but I've realized that I'm really fucking hungry. I'm trying to (slowly) learn not to ignore my body's needs. I spent so much of my life doing that, starting as a young child when it was done out of necessity. We were really poor when I was little and my father was working towards his doctorate. We often ate horrible shit like boiled soybeans.
If I never see another boiled soybean in my life, I'll be happy. I like other soy products like tofu. I like roasted soybeans. I cannot abide boiled soybeans. They have the same appeal as cardboard. I could choke down boiled soybeans well before I would ever eat liver and ditto raw squash, however. I love cooked squash but I really can't stand it raw. It tastes like cotton dipped in a little chlorophyll. Liver tastes like a mixture of mud and bile. It's entirely gross. When my mother cooked it, the house smelled of it for days afterward. I always fed my portion to the cat under the table.
After my father got his doctorate, we no longer had to rely on awful boiled soybeans for nutrition. We stepped up from the lower class to the middle class and we were pretty well-fed. Food restriction was still a thing though as my father didn't want to allow any sweets into the house. My father never had the proverbial "sweet tooth." The rest of us liked sweets, though, and when my mother noticed that my brother and I were sneaking candy into our rooms, she put the kibosh on my father's sweets ban.
My father was always very fatphobic, and he engaged in orthorexia, running approximately six miles a day in his prime. He ran in old-school Converse shoes. He was a big man, six foot four and around 200 pounds. Running this much without proper footwear took a toll on his spine over the years. He eventually had to have a laminectomy on several vertebrae in his lower back. By then he was severely physically handicapped because of a stroke. He was relentlessly critical of himself, often referring to himself as a "useless cripple."
I fight not to allow body shaming into my treatment of myself. I need to learn to be okay with eating when I'm hungry without policing my food choices (other than to calculate the amount of insulin I need to eat a portion of food) and without shaming, scolding, or punishing myself for having a large body.
Fuck size shaming and fuck diet culture. These are the only diet books I use.
The Fuck It Diet
Health at Every Size
Here is the book that helps me work on my addiction to approval.
Spirit of the Universe, please help me to keep working toward self-acceptance. I don't feel like anyone will ever understand or like me and that hurts, but I realize it doesn't mean I'm less worthy of being treated decently, if only by myself. I deserve respect at whatever size I am and whether or not I am famous or wealthy. Please help me to respect myself, Spirit. Amen.
~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~
Ornery Owl
Round and All Out of Fucks to Give
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Hangry is ready to chow down!
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The Icky, Sticky, Nit-Picky Legalese If You Please (Or Don't Please)
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