Fat Friday: Handsome Sam's Closet

 

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

Meet Handsome Sam. 

I'm about to tell my fellow generously proportioned ladies why you may want to raid Handsome Sam's closet.

Sam doesn't have any ladies' lingerie or dresses in his closet, other than the stray item of his wife's that gets mixed in with his washing sometimes. He's your ordinary average guy who wears ordinary average guy clothes. 

What Sam does have that a lot of big ladies want is comfortable and affordable tank tops and t-shirts.

I was scoping the Walmart site for plus-size ladies' tank tops. Finding nothing in my size that didn't come with an extra shipping charge, I tried searching for camisoles. That was even worse. Most of these items come with a built-in bra. 

Even though these camisoles are designed for larger women, the bra is somehow fitted for smaller women. I don't have remarkably large breasts, but somehow, these built-in bras either squash my endowment up to my collarbone or slide up over my boobage, rendering the bra useless. 

The other thing that happens all too often is the item I choose appears to be a simple cotton-poly blend tank top. Then I get it, and it's some sort of lycra nightmare that I can't stand having next to my skin. 

So, what's a big gal to do?

Follow Handsome Sam's lead and order a six-pack of men's a-line tank tops from the men's underwear section. These provide the perfect loose fit and extra coverage under a t-shirt for a bigger gal who doesn't have such a large endowment that she absolutely needs a bra but has enough of an endowment that she can't wear a t-shirt without a bra. 

Speaking of T-shirts, I can't stand the way the ones styled for women fit. Why do clothing companies think every woman wants a form-fitting T-shirt with teeny little sleeves? I buy unisex or men's T-shirts because I prefer a relaxed fit. 

There are a couple of things I won't be borrowing from Sam's closet: pants and underwear. My preferred underwear is what the cool kids call "granny panties." That's fine by me. I'm easily old enough to be someone's grandmother, and granny panties are comfortable. You'll never catch me wearing butt floss.

Some women say they prefer men's jeans or warm-up pants. I can't wear pants styled for men because I have a big butt, big hips, and big thighs. Men's pants aren't designed to accommodate a big booty, major hips, and hefty thighs. Even the pants made for big men are proportioned wrong for a woman with my shape. 

It's a good thing Sam's an easygoing guy who understands why ladies want to borrow his clothes. Sam has some advice for everyone who stops by his closet. Learn to love the skin you're in and take care of your body, whatever size it is. 

Diets don't work. Health At Every Size works for every body.

https://bit.ly/HAESCIE

"Only through extraordinary effort and education have I been able to free myself from my obsession with weight. Starting in early adolescence, I stayed abreast of the day-to-day differences on the scale. Convinced that I would be more popular if I weighed less, I started dieting to escape a weight problem that only existed in my head. I would endure weeks on a semi-starvation diet until my desperation for food drove me to eat everything in sight. I thought there was something deeply wrong with me because I could not control my unrelenting drive to eat." 

From the intro by Lindo Bacon.

Hangry Wyrm

Free use image from Clker Free Vector Images

"Fat or thin, you gotta feed the body you're in! Am I right, Ornery?"

Ornery Owl

Free use image from Open Clipart Vectors

"Exactly right, Hangry!"

Who the Hell Said You Could Write?

Free use image by Chenspec on Pixabay

I honestly thought I published this post three days ago. I think I'm losing what was left of my mind.

 I can’t recall anyone telling me to pursue a paid writing career. My family discouraged me from entering any creative occupation, despite my father's background as a professor of literature and social sciences. I ultimately followed my parents' wishes and entered the healthcare field. Ironically, working in this field destroyed my health.

I later learned that my father hoped I would become a professor of Middle English because of my early interest in the subject. I was a precocious language learner. By the time I was four years old, I was reading Dr. Seuss' books. By six, I was reading Edgar Allan Poe.

Scarier still, I related to Edgar Allan Poe. I was not a particularly happy child. I never felt like I belonged. I realized at a young age that the world was a scary place filled with awful possibilities. Perhaps childhood should be carefree and idyllic, but it’s naïve to believe it actually is.

These days I find myself wishing I could travel back in time and tell my parents, “I know you’re doing what you think is right because of what you learned from your own families, but you need to stop and rethink things. You are really fucking up this child, who, in the future, will become the horrifying swamp witch you see before you. You are fracturing her fragile eggshell mind before she even learns how to critique a concept to see if it holds up. You are contributing to the creation of a neurotic, traumatized soul who has no self-confidence or belief in herself.”

I can’t do that, though. I don’t have any sort of time machine or portal spell that will allow me to journey to the past and talk sense to my parents or push my bullies into a mud puddle if I’m feeling benevolent or a fire ant hill if I’m feeling less so.

I grew up in New Mexico. I learned to hate fire ants early on. I’m surprised I haven’t written a horror story about fire ants yet. Or maybe I’m not. I really don’t care for stories about creepy crawlies.

I’m not sure what my intention is with this blog. I keep trying to reinvent my online presence. There are certain things I’ve learned along the way, but I’d feel like a bullshit artist if I tried to present myself as some kind of know-it-all expert.

I do know I’m done screaming into the void, hoping someone will sympathize with my pain and validate my existence. I can only speak from my own experiences. I can’t force others to care about me. If I help someone else by exposing my foibles or relating my misadventures, it’s a win.

Word Nerd Bonus

If you'd like to see a comparison between the first draft of this post and the finished version, hop over to Readers Roost.

https://ornerybookemporium.blogspot.com/2024/07/shameless-self-promotion-inspiration.html

I removed 50 filler words and restructured sentences and paragraphs to enhance clarity and readability. Both versions of the post convey the same message, but the second one does so more efficiently.

Free use image from Open Clipart Vectors

Insecure Writers Support Group 3 July 2024

 

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

July 3 question - What are your favorite writing processing (e.g. Word, Scrivener, yWriter, Dabble), writing apps, software, and tools? Why do you recommend them? And, which one is your all-time favorite that you cannot live without and use daily or at least whenever you write?

This post contains affiliate links for products I use and recommend. 

Finding a productivity program that didn't require me to change my writing style has been a hero's journey. The other programs I tried were not bad; they were just not the right fit for me.

I attempted to use Novel Factory, but it did not align with how I write, so I canceled my membership. There's nothing wrong with Novel Factory; we just weren't on the same page. For another type of writer, it may be ideal.

I enjoy using Dabble for weekly writing sprints. A pro membership is in my future, primarily to take advantage of the workshops available only to pro members. 

I have Scrivener. It's a quality program, but I find it difficult to use. There's a similar learning curve to Photoshop. A productivity solution where I feel like I need to work through a certification program to use it isn't for me. 

As it happens, I obtained a certification in Photoshop in 2012. These days, I prefer Pixlr. But this post isn't about graphic design software.

I'd pretty much given up on finding my dream productivity program. I went back to writing my story in Word while making notes in Notepad or Libre Office. Then, I found the Holy Grail of writing programs when a member of the Passionate Ink community mentioned AutoCrit during a weekday morning writing sprint.

AutoCrit's ability to analyze my documents impressed me. My plan was to use it in conjunction with WordTune for editing. However, I soon realized a pro AutoCrit membership offered so much more. 

I discovered the benefits of AutoCrit's many free workshops and pro member clubs before it finally hit me that the all-in-one writing productivity program I didn't think existed was right there alongside the analysis and editing software I was so impressed with.

I can't imagine going back to my old writing method now that I have AutoCrit. It allows me to have a handy all-in-one outline and planning sheet just a toggle away while working on my draft. It also has an additional notes feature.

After I finish my document, I don't even need another program to start analyzing and editing. WordTune is still my second-pass copy editor after running the document through AutoCrit, but that's just me. 

Follow my link to take AutoCrit for a test drive.

https://bit.ly/SelfEditEasier

QuickWrite isn't productivity software, but I use it often as an adjunct tool. I mostly use it for tasks such as generating title ideas (for some reason, I suck at this) or creating a story prompt for me to hone down all the wild ideas that start circulating in my head when the time comes to write a new story. You can check it out here and see if it can help you too.

https://bit.ly/ChooseQuick

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Free use image by Jim Cooper on Pixabay

"Follow my method, and you'll be a published author in no time, Space Jockey. I guarantee your fellow Bluesians will devour your advice on the creation of the perfect crop circle."

https://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html

Apparently, I'm a glutton for punishment.

I'm doing the July iteration of Camp NaNoWriMo AND the Scribbling Through Summer Challenge.

https://scribblingthroughsummer.com/

I'm completely knackered just thinking about it.