Every now and then I think it would be cool to try and reconnect with a friend I had back in the day, but then I remember that said friend had a crush on me, and it becomes weird and awkward. I had a lot of these guys in my life.
It wasn't that I was stunningly attractive by any means. I have always been "too fat" to be conventionally attractive. Even when I was thin I had a chubby face. In fact, after having surgery on my chin, my boss pinched my cheek and said: "why didn't you have the doctor do something about these chipmunk cheeks?" So, yeah.
Anyway, I was the "troubled girl" trope. People, mostly guys, have always thought they could turn me, who, to be honest, resembles Miss Piggy more than any other celebrity, from a plain, troubled, chubby girl into a stunning swan who would then be grateful to them for life. However, people are not plot devices, and shit does not work that way. When you try to mold people into the image of what you think they should be, they resent the fuck out of it.
The end is never pretty.
I always fear that if I try to contact some of my guy friends from the past, they will expect me to still be the vaguely cute, troubled girl that they can fix. I am not her. She is long gone. There were reasons why she existed. She doesn't need to exist anymore.
I'm not cute, and I don't care about being cute. I'm sick and tired of people who think I should care about it, and that includes fucking doctors who think I should care about whether or not people find me physically attractive. I don't care. I don't want to care. I don't want anything to fucking do with it. I want to be out of that game.
I am not a pretty girl. It isn't what I do.
So, this is why I don't contact some of the dudes from my past who I thought were cool, but I know they wanted to "save" me.
I don't want to be "saved," and I don't want anyone trying to turn me into something I'm not.
This rant is why I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a keyboard in the early hours of the morning.
~The Cheese Hath Grated It~