The Cheese Grates It: My So Called Life Getting in the Way of Creating

Believe it or not, all these damn self-awareness posts that I've been making lately really aren't what I enjoy doing with my time. Sometimes I need to do them to understand my own bullshit. I'm not paying anyone to be my friend for an hour a week at this point, nor am I likely to any time in the near future. So, I'm all the therapist I've got.

What I really like to do is create. But sometimes my life feels like it's been thrown into a blender on pulverize, and that's what it feels like right now. When that happens, I fear that all I'm creating is dreck. I have very little confidence in my abilities as it is, and circumstances like this tend to suck away what little confidence I do have.

I'm thinking about changing my name to Ghostbusters, by the way. Because I'm the one my employer's gonna call whenever other people on the case ain't showing up. They know they can depend on me.

I did something I'm not proud of today. I didn't answer the phone when they called. I knew they needed me to work. I'm sorry I let my patient's family down. However, I ended up working a shift I wasn't scheduled to work yesterday. I had to meet my mother for lunch today, after putting her off for the past couple weeks. I also had to go home (I was at my son's apartment) because I knew my cats were low on water.
I was tired and drained and I didn't want the added stress of saying "no." So I didn't answer the phone.

A couple of other things I've been thinking about lately.

Google Docs sucks. I hate that I can't categorize my stuff the way I like. This is one reason I have multiple blogs. It's easier for me to blog stuff and then go back and cut and paste it into the documents on my external hard drive later.

I don't have the external hard drive with me because I don't want to be hauling around my five pound hog of a laptop to my home care case. I already have my med bag, my tote bag with my lunch and other things I deem necessary, my hog of a purse, and my tech bag containing my tablet, my bluetooth keyboard, extra charger packs, and wiring. Besides, at this point, the laptop is my home computer until I can get my $700 paperweight fixed. It would be a pain in the ass to unhook all the peripherals every time.

I currently have one main story that I'm working on with Team Netherworld, but there are a few secondary stories and lots and lots and lots of proto-stories. I can't make my brain be what it isn't, and at this stage of my life, I'm not interested in trying. My brain is going to diversify.
If you read all of the stories we have out there, they have a common theme. I'm not going to pretend they don't. Most of them will never be for public consumption, but sometimes one of us shares a chapter here and there.

I put the Rattling Bones Undead Musician Magazine blog on private. I had the Encyclopedia Netherworld blog on private for a few weeks. I put Encyclopedia Netherworld back to public but I don't know if it will stay that way. Not much of anyone interacts with these blogs anyway. I was starting to feel that the creations being shared were a bit too personal.

When I write stuff like this, I'm sort of explaining things to other people. However, the main purpose is to give myself permission to be what I already am. I'm actually quite tired of apologizing to people for being what I am. I'm not holding a gun to your head and telling you to love me. However, there is no reason to be critical of me either. I don't come to your space and rip holes in everything you do. I would appreciate the same consideration.

Note: This is not directed at any one person. It's expression of frustration over repeated criticisms of my method over time by people who a) don't get it and b) don't care that they don't get it, they just want to make themselves feel important by criticizing someone who does things differently from the way they do.

Psychologically, I'm probably in a mixed state right now. I'm slightly irritable, which is making me snarky. I'm having trouble sleeping even though I'm constantly tired. I've got a pretty good "I don't give a fuck what you think of me or my writing" mood going, which tends to come with hypomania. The exhaustion and sore muscles, however, tend to be part and parcel of depression. Hence, mixed state.

Thing is, a lot of the time people come along and find me during a depressive state. They feel sorry for me and try to encourage me. Then I get into a euthymic or hypomanic state, which makes them think they succeeded. When I go into a depressive state again, they think I'm not appreciative of their help and that I'm just "not trying hard enough." 

Sometimes they leave on their own at this point, because they don't want to waste their efforts on someone who "just wants to sit around feeling sorry for themselves." Sometimes I end up getting snarky, which is something I'm not proud of, and I drive people away, including people who actually do want to help. Only recently have I been able to realize that I have a real mean streak that I've developed over the years as a defense mechanism. The problem with a mean streak is, it tends to flare up without any sort of regard for intent on the part of its target. I feel very badly that I've hurt people who were actually well-intentioned. There has to be a better way of handling things than I sometimes do.

Here's the thing: a person like me, who is badly broken but who can pass for normal, is like a broken vase that has been put back together with epoxy. The epoxy has been painted over, so the vase may not appear to be damaged. 

The person says to themselves, "well, Vase, now that I've put you back together, you're good as new. So, let's let you do what vases are supposed to do."

The person then puts water in the vase and gets pissed off when the vase springs a leak. Upon closer examination, the cracks are still there. The person throws out the vase and goes to buy a new vase.

With me, the cracks are always going to be there. I'm always going to be broken. Not everyone heals at the same rate. Some of us don't ever heal.

I'm hoping I can get back to creating soon. It's not that I'm exactly a dull subject, but I kind of like to think about things other than myself and the shitty state of the world.

The Cheese Ghostbusters Hath Grated It 

Words to Feed Your Soul

flowerbabytrevelyan:

In fanfiction there is a difference between being a good writer and a popular writer. 

Just because you can write a well-structured story with dynamic and consistent writing and characters doesn’t mean you will be popular. And sometimes stories that have disorganized plots, mediocre writing, and/or OOC characters will be held up as the greatest things to ever exist. 

Just because your writing isn’t popular doesn’t mean you are a bad writer. Don’t ever compromise who you are, who your characters are, your plot, your writing style, anything for the sake of readership.

There are popular writers everywhere. But there are only so many good writers.

I agree with the person who said that this should apply to all writing, not only fan fiction.

I needed to hear this so much. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I like the work I create, and I try to make sure it is well constructed and interesting to read. I use writing prompts and I share my work, but it is very rare that I receive any kind of comment.

I am not a young writer. I am 51 years old. I work an average of 48 hours a week, and I try to find time to write in spite of that because, for reasons I can’t entirely explain, writing is very important to me. 

I realize that my writing will never be popular or even published. But I put my heart into it, and sometimes it hurts that no one ever even gives me a “good job.” That isn’t why I write, but it would be nice to hear it sometimes.

Again, thank you for these thoughts. What you have said is critically important.

~Cie~

Originally posted to Netherworld Writers' Guild

 

My Brain Doesn't Work Normal

Over the years, I've had a lot of well-meaning normal people tell me how to make my writing "better." What it boils down to is I'm supposed to write more like normal people and less like, well, people whose brains aren't normal. 

I've tried to do this, but it just doesn't work for me. I will always have a myriad of sub-plots. New stories can leap into my brain at the drop of the hat (or be suggested to me by a spectral friend, but that's part and parcel of a different blog.) I will always have a number of projects going at the same time.

Let's look at the spider webs above. On the surface, I can pass for "normal." I don't really raise any red flags. I'm a fairly innocuous looking person who tends to keep to myself. In my current state, it is highly unlikely that I would be put on a psych hold, even when I'm presenting as extremely depressed. I know the laws of material reality. While I know I can be paranoid, I don't believe that there's a red under my bed or a little yellow man in my head. However, I would never ridicule anyone who does live with such beliefs.

In your average conversation, if my thoughts were a spider web, they might initially appear to form your "normal" spider web. On closer examination, however, certain deviations would be observed. On being told that I should stop these deviations, I am able to do so for a while. However, my mind will eventually rebel and will go back to thinking the way it thinks, and I will go back to writing the way I write.

I am not you, Well Meaning Normal People. I am not normal. 

I have accepted that my writing will probably never achieve popularity. However, it is therapeutic for me. Now, you write your way and let me write mine. I never told you to stop writing the way you write or stop being the way you are. Why do all of you think it's okay to tell me to comply with your rules on writing, thinking, or being? Who I am, how I write and what I think isn't harming you.

I'm mentally ill, not stupid. I'm not breaking any laws. I'm just not being "normal." And guess what? I never will be. So stop trying to stuff a square peg in a round hole. I'm never going to fit. 

Either accept me the way I am, or leave me be. 

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

Changes

I have gone underground with all of the Netherworld blogs and am considering doing so with most of the story blogs. Seeing the pageviews while never getting any comments just makes me paranoid-er.

The Crazy Creatives Cheerleading Camp blog is now open any time, not just for monthly posts. We're crazy and creative all the time!

That is all.

~Cie~