Flashing Back and Forth: Wisteria & A Birthday

Image copyright Vũ Đỗ

https://pixabay.com/photos/chinese-wisteria-bee-insect-flower-5112048/#_=_

In the moonlight,

The color and scent of the wisteria

Seems far away.

As far away I think as

My sense of belonging here

Buson & Cie

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New Notes:

This will be a long post, so if you only came for the poetry, this is your stop!

Today is my son's thirtieth birthday. It is also Friday Flashback day. So I am leaving the notes from last year when I wrote the post.

Last year at this time, my son, his dad, and I were in the process of trying to get things in order to purchase the property that my son says is his literal dream house. I often say that I'm a pretty useless excuse for a person and pretty much a waste of oxygen and skin cells, but I am the one who found the house, so I have done two good things in this life. I brought my son into the world, which he sometimes may not think is such a great thing as it has been a bit of an uphill fight for him given that he lives with anxiety, high-functioning autism, and major depression in a society that demands a very rigid degree of impossible perfection and an ability to play by certain rigid rules.

This is the house, and you can well believe that I nearly peed myself when I saw that this property was being sold for $90,000. We had just finished looking at a very "meh" three-bedroom townhome in southeast Denver that cost $240,000 and kicking the worst real estate agent ever to the curb. Thanks for sucking, Matt. You did us a huge favor.

If you're interested in seeing just what this clown did, you can read this post.

https://www.ciethehuntress.com/2019/04/crap-not-to-do-as-real-estate-agent.html

I'd like to thank Xenia, the real estate agent we had prior to Matt, for sucking too. Rather than being a professional and telling us that she wasn't the right real estate agent for us, she did the bad high school break-up thing, hung up on me, and refused to return my calls. It was very unprofessional. Note that we didn't do anything wrong to her, we were always polite. We were looking for land, and she only wanted to sell upscale properties in Denver. Also, note that she approached us first, touting her abilities as a real estate agent. 

We instead ended up with Jason Wadsworth, who is a fantastic real estate agent. If you are ever interested in buying a property in Northern Colorado, Jason is your go-to guy. He can be reached at jwadsworth@remax.net

I am glad that my son's dream house is now a reality. There has been a lot of work done on it, and more still needs to be done. We are also still tackling the nightmare that is my old mobile home and hope to have it on the market this summer. I will be extremely happy when it's gone.

I couldn't end this post without giving a shout-out to Ghost Town Grover and Cactus Clem. I hope to be giving more attention to their adventures once the whole trailer mess has been wrangled.

Ghost Town Grover

https://pixabay.com/vectors/man-hat-bearded-cowboy-male-311670/

Cactus Clem

https://pixabay.com/vectors/cactus-character-man-western-154386/

Ye Olde Notes:

The Hokku (Haiku) stanza of the poem was written by Yosa Buson (1716 - 1784). The Akegu (closing) stanza was written by me.

I have never felt that I belonged in this world. When I was younger, I always hoped I'd find people I belonged with. There have been a few where I feel like they put up with me to a degree or felt sympathy for me, but I have never had a sense of finding my "tribe." The only person I'm really at all close with is my son. I tend to form only very superficial relationships with other people.

Dinners with my mother are perilous and fraught with small talk. She has never approved of any of my choices, and she knows almost nothing about what is really transpiring in my life.

I am not at all close with the other members of my family. I would not recognize most of them if I passed them in the street.

At this point in my life, I do not wish to party and socialize. I have one friend whom I confide in via email, and that means a lot. This friend lives a few thousand miles away from me, so it isn't as if we could get together for coffee.

I have felt a degree of understanding and acceptance from the people participating in this little Tan Renga challenge, which I usually don't get a sense of during such challenges.

I usually feel as if I am an outsider who has crashed a party when participating in blog hops, and the general sense is "what is that freak doing here at our exclusive soiree?" Some of the blog hops I participate in are very focused on clothing and fashion although other sorts of posts are allowed, and if you don't think I'm an absolute outlier when it comes to fashion, you don't know me at all. I can't afford nice clothes or even new clothes, and I look like an unmade bed most of the time.

One would think that I would feel more at home with creative blog hops, but I usually don't. I've been surprised by the feeling of peace I've gained participating in this one. Maybe it's just that no-one has attacked me yet. Hopefully, we can do without that happening this time.

The Inevitable Legalese and Other Blah-Blah

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Tan Renga Wednesday on Saturday: Cherry Trees in Full Bloom

Image source

springtime is coming

hope to put the longer days

to practical use

shadows become longer

cherry tree in full bloom grows

~Chèvrefeuille & cie~

notes

Once my son and I are done clearing out that blasted mobile home (the one where I lived for 18 years and he lived for close to ten) we will finally be able to concentrate on what we want to do with our new home. I would like to plant a few dwarf fruit trees. I've always loved cherries, both as a fruit and a plant. I try to keep looking to the future, to have aspirations but also keep in mind the need for practicality due to my health issues.

The Ageku of this Renga is © Chèvrefeuille. The Hokku was written by me.

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation: Renga With: Waiting for the Full Moon

Image by Chikai Du from Pixabay

the autumn wind:

thickets and fields also,

Fuha Barrier

© Basho

I look at the turning leaves

see future snow in the clouds

a dandelion

now and then interrupting

the butterfly's dream

© Chiyo-Ni

when I am a butterfly

will I ever dream of you

the thunderstorm having cleared up

the evening sun shines on a tree

where a cicada is chirping 

© Shiki

is there a cool night ahead

or restless humidity

simply trust:

do not also the petals flutter down,

just like that?

© Issa

I have never been the kind

to simply go with the flow

in nooks and corners

cold remains:

flowers of the plum

© Buson

promise of warmer weather

pleasant till scorching heat comes

ancient warriors ghosts

mists over the foreign highlands -

waiting for the full moon

© Chèvrefeuille

will your troubled soul drift in

for another lifelong fight

~cie~

notes

All the Ageku are belong to me.

Everything else has been credited.

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation: Heart of Stone

Image by Frank Winkler from Pixabay

a stone for a pillow

me, just another cicada ...

so shrill, like crying

how this fits my current mood

sitting broken in the dark

~Bosha & cie~

notes

The Hokku was created by Kawabata Bosha (1897-1941). I am responsible for the Ageku.

Tan Renga Wednesday on Friday: Last Leaf

Image Source

a last leaf

swirls on the wind towards the east -

first snow falls gently

the falling snow is pleasant

the icy roads are not so

~Chèvrefeuille & cie~

notes

The Hokku stanza was written by Chevrefeuille. The Ageku was created by me. I do like the snow, but I hate driving on icy roads. I've had a couple incidents when doing so which left me with a bit of PTSD. I tend to tense up when I have to drive on icy roads, which makes doing so a bad idea.

I will try to catch up with the poems over the next few days. I was working on a short story for blog.reedsy.com. If you are looking for a short story contest with no entry fee, they have a weekly contest here. Go to the apps section of the page and choose "story prompt."

Also, if you're looking for help with editing or publishing your book, you can look at what Reedsy has to offer here. Using that link will get you $25 credit on any of Reedsy's services.

I believe I may have had another TIA. There always tends to be a cognitive shift when one of these happens. It's hard to explain. It isn't as if I'm having short term memory issues (well, no worse than I ever did). It's simply that the WAY I think changes. At this point, I find myself needing to be a little more measured in my output. I get tired very easily. It's frustrating because although I've never been a Type A personality by any means, I've always been very productive.

I know that I'm vulnerable to vascular problems because of my diabetes. Well, I'm perfectly happy to keep my blood sugars in check, which I can do if I have, you know, ADEQUATE INSULIN! Which my health care provider and Medicaid seem to be conspiring not to provide me. Going without insulin for weeks at a time is, I don't know, a bad thing when you're diabetic. 

The elite devils in charge of things don't care about that, though. They want the poor and the handicapped dead. Of course, then they won't have anyone to do the menial jobs that they revile, but I wouldn't give them too much credit for being smart.

Yeah, I said "handicapped" instead of the more politically correct "disabled." I honestly don't see what the difference is. I can apply both to my own condition, and I don't find either one offensive. Sometimes people become so busy picking nits that they forget to work on the issues that really matter.

Carpe Diem Tan Renga Wednesday: Such a Cold Night

Image by Robson Machado from Pixabay

lying down

with quilts over the head

such a cold night

I spent many nights like this

in a trailer with no heat

~cie~

notes

The Hokku stanza was written by Matsuo Basho (1644 - 1694). The Ageku stanza was written by me. It is autobiographical.

Carpe Diem Tan Renga Wednesday on the Following Monday Because I Suck: Another Morning

Image by Hasty Words from Pixabay

New Year's morning

the first day begins

in the same dream

or perhaps the same nightmare

when your mind has been broken

~nobody~

notes from nobody

The Hokku stanza was written by Jane Reichhold (1937 - 2016). The Ageku stanza was written by nobody.

Carpe Diem #1786: The Days March On

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

reaching for the sun

lotus flowers blooms from the mud

old pond changes

light comes into the shadows

new life emerging each day

deep silence

even deeper as the nightingale starts to sing

beautiful life

sometimes I feel most alive

at night embraced by darkness

snow falls gently

covers up the autumn fields

faraway sounds

it's too cold to go outside

I remain in with my words

reflections

scattered by autumn leaves

the old pond

I reflect on the year past

one year leads to another

a last leaf

swirls on the wind towards the east -

first snow falls gently

I look outside and wonder

if there are happy people

farewell verse

as I depart from the train station

forget me not

no-one will remember me

I am something best forgot

~Chèvrefeuille & Cie~

Notes:

The Hokku of these Renga were written by Chèvrefeuille. The Ageku can be blamed on me.

Carpe Diem Tan Renga Wednesday: At Dawn

Image Source

at night my sleeping

is hit or miss, either deep

or light and disturbed

at dawn birds start to sing

praising their Creator ... as always

Chèvrefeuille & Cie

Notes:

The Ageku of this Renga was created by Chèvrefeuille. The Hokku can be blamed on me.

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation #109 Renga with Basho ... life's journey

Mount Fuji

spring rain

trickling into the wasp's nest

a leaky roof

the roof has been repaired

the wasps eradicated

blooming wildly

among the peach trees

first cherry blossoms

it is my dream to one day

have a few fruit trees growing

butterflies and birds

restlessly they rise up

a cloud of flowers

these are the best things in spring

not so a mind painted black

coming to the eye

especially at this time

May's Mount Fuji

I hoped to visit sometime

must be content with pictures

life's journey

plowing the patch of rice field

back and forth

sometimes best to look forward

to simple things in our lives

the lettuce

leaves are just as green

eggplant soup

I must remember to try

vegetables for cooking

~Basho & Cie~

Notes:

The Hokku stanzas of these Renga were written by Matsuo Basho (1644 - 1694). The Ageku stanzas were whipped up by me.

The Ageku of the third verse references the fact that I experience my worst depressive states in the spring. When the hearts of normal people turn to lurrrrve and all that happy crappy, my psyche turns to a dark tomb while the flowers bloom and the birds sing and I just want to sleep forever but usually don't sleep very well. I tend to get the side-eye from people when I try to talk about spring depression. "What do you mean you get depressed in the spring? Springtime is happy time! Normal depressed people get depressed in the WINTER!"

You see, I don't even know how to do depression right, even though I've been doing it my entire life!

Carpe Diem #1774 Renga With Jane Reichhold ... apples for lunch

Image Source

dad on high

dropping from his trees

apples for lunch

I walk to the chicken coop

to visit my friends the hens

southern sunset

filling the apple bin

a deeper red

thinking of a time gone by

when the sky was beautiful

applesauce

the cinnamon glow

of a kerosene lamp

we didn't need to have one

my mother liked how it looked

windfall apples

palaces for worms

American pie

I started getting to know

worms eating into my brain

straight falling rain

tiny lakes upon the tree

stem hollows of apples

I have always loved the rain

but it's the snowy season

baskets in a row

overflowing with apples

on one a sweater

was it my mother's or mine?

Dad goes on picking apples

~Jane & Cie~

Notes:

The Hokku stanzas of these Tan Renga were created by Jane Reichhold (1937 - 2016). The Ageku were created by me.

When I was writing my Ageku, I was remembering my childhood in New Mexico between the ages of four and ten.

It wasn't idyllic by any means. We were very poor. But we did have a half-acre of land, and we had chickens and fruit trees and we grew corn and beans.

We also ate a lot of stuff like boiled soybeans and buckwheat groats. I still like buckwheat groats. You could put a bit of butter and honey on them and they tasted good. However, to this day, I loathe boiled soybeans. I would eat my shoe before I would ever eat another boiled soybean.

I knew I was weird and different from a very young age. These days doctors would probably put me on Ritalin and antidepressants. One did try to put me on phenobarbitol when I was a year and a half old because I didn't sleep for crap. My mother said it had the opposite effect and I was awake for three days straight. 

It probably put me into a manic state. It may even have been what triggered the onset of my bipolar disorder. Any doctor who would instruct a parent to give phenobarbitol to a child needs a damn good whacking, and nothing will change my mind about that.

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation #107: Soliloquy No Renga: One Starry Night

Starry Night by Alex Ruiz

one starry night

to make that one painting -

the rustling leaves

as summer draws to a close

and the green leaves turn to gold

on one starry night
so many years in the past
years rushed by so fast
a foolish girl made a wish
that could never come to pass

she would never be
Venus Anadyomene
more Pickman's model
never seen through eyes of love
always used and tossed aside

the rustling of leaves
as they crunch beneath the shoes
of a broken crone
step hobbled and hair of gray
dead dreams lie within her heart

summer draws to close
life's flame is growing dimmer
she hides in the dark
tortured by the memory
of a girl who wanted more

green leaves turn to gold
golden strands of hair to gray
no matter the shade
she was never beautiful
her heart is cold as winter

~Chèvrefeuille & Cie~

Notes:

The first Hokku was created by Chèvrefeuille. The rest of this mess you can blame on me.

Shout-outs to Sandro Botticelli and H.P. Lovecraft. Can you spot their influence?

Carpe Diem Tan Renga Wednesday: Departing Autumn

Image by Thanks for your Like • donations welcome from Pixabay

a clam

torn from its shell

departing autumn

cold stabs the soul like a knife

I retreat inside my shell

~Basho & Cie~

Notes:

The Hokku stanza of this Tan Renga was created by Matsuo Basho (1644 - 1694). The Ageku (two-line) stanza was written by me.

Carpe Diem Renga with Issa: Sparrows

Image Source

spring peace--

after rain, a gang war

garden sparrows

the seeds that I have planted

are a victory buffet

don't let the plum blossom guard

cut your tongues...

Sparrows! 

let voices be a whisper

until you are safely past

are the sparrows too

having a private party?

plum blossoms

no, I was not invited

I now watch from the window

while I watch

he's off to make a living alone...

baby sparrow

sometimes the ones who leave home
invite the parents to stay

living in harmony--

the sparrow has

both parents!
will the parents be able
to live in harmony too?

on the tip of the

newly sprouted bamboo...

a baby sparrow
a small and innocent thing
in a world without a heart

~Issa and Cie~

Notes:

The Hokku stanzas in these Tan Renga verses were composed by Kobayashi Issa (June 15, 1763 – January 5, 1828). The Akegu stanzas were written by me.

The Akegu in the last three verses are references to my son, without whose kindness I would be homeless. The property he bought will eventually also become home to his father who is currently living in Arizona helping his own father. When his father passes, he will sell the place in Arizona and move here.

We were divorced in 1994 when our son was four years old, and we have lived in roommate situations since then, although I was always relieved when he moved on to something else if I am honest. That probably won't happen this time, due to compromises in his health as well as mine. However, this is a big enough place that we should be able to keep from killing each other.

Carpe Diem Renga with Jane Reichhold: Placing the Flute

Image Source

wind perfumed

from a woman's shoulder

desert night

beauty of the soul hidden

beneath harsh exterior

dancing on the beach

I jab a stick into the sky

to break up the blue

blue for those loved by the world

sky is never blue for me

days so complete

words become the calls of birds

the high tide wind

what would it be to feel joy

satisfied at the day's end

placing the flute

against her lips something

slips into place

stupid girl that I once was

believing I could be more

I'm not old

all night my eyes have held

the ancient stars

I was broken before birth

my heart has never been young

moon white water

lovers in the secret cove

Saturday night

I walk on by full knowing

there is nothing there for me

~Jane & Cie~

Notes:

It's possible that for once in my train wreck of an existence I managed to follow directions and didn't, say, create Troiku where Renga was called for. SMDH at my failure to brain when it comes to even the simplest things.

The Hokku (Haiku) of these Renga were created by Jane Reichhold (1937 - 2016). The Ageku (two-line stanza) were created by me.

Tan Renga Challenge 2019: Day 12: Miscanthus Bud

Image Source

the Dutchmen, too,

kneel before His Lordship --

spring under His reign.

inevitable forces

to which all must bow someday

by my new banana plant

the first sign of something I loathe --

a miscanthus bud!

all things must have their season

even those things undesired

another year is gone

a traveler's shade on my head,

straw sandals at my feet

straw soon replaced by leather

weatherproof boots are a must

now then, let's go out

to enjoy the snow ... until

I slip and fall!

not such a big deal in youth

in old age a bone may break

Basho & Cie

Notes:

All Hokku stanzas were created by Matsuo Basho (1644 - 1694). All Ageku (closing) stanzas were written by me.

I would like to dedicate this set of poems to my mother's and my late father's friend Richard, who passed away yesterday from complications stemming from ALS. I hope that one day a cure is found for this terrible, debilitating disease.

Tan Renga Challenge 2019: Day 11: Tan Renga Hineri: Only Tracks

Image Source

late summer

alone on the beach

with only tracks

leading me to the unknown

who can know where the time goes?

I follow the tracks

to the melancholy sea

sorrow grips my voice

I remember who I was

I remember her lost dreams

Dreams impossible

foolish girl with head in clouds

she not of this world

she visited the seashore once

dreaming she could swim away

Jane & Cie

Note:

The first Hokku (Haiku) in this Tan Renga Hineri was created by Jane Reichhold (1937 - 2016). The other stanzas were created by me. 

Tan Renga Challenge 2019: Day 9: Snails

Snails in Moonlight

Artist Unknown

I bow to my master

Matsuo Basho told me the way

to watch a snail

Haiku taught me to embrace

the way of snail and turtle

Chèvrefeuille & Cie

Notes:

The Hokku (Haiku) stanza of this Tan Renga was written by Chèvrefeuille. The Akegu (closing) stanza was written by me.

I am not being hyperbolic in any way when I say this. Participating in this exercise has been life-changing for me. Haiku is no longer simply a poetry form for me. It is a way of meditation, a way to improve not only my life but possibly the lives of others as well.

Tan Renga Challenge 2019: Day 8: Autumn Begins

Image by Stefan Schweihofer from Pixabay

cricket silence

between scraping sounds

autumn begins

for me a new beginning

or perhaps the end of all

Jane & Cie

Note:

The Hokku (Haiku) portion of the poem was written by Jane Reichhold. The Ageku, or closing stanza, was written by me.

Come the fall, I should have pictures of the old hotel my son is buying to renovate. This probably sounds a lot more posh than it is. This building is in a town listed on the Colorado Ghost Towns website, and it needs a lot of work.

For me, this move is literally either a new beginning or the beginning of the end. I have run out of options.

Tan Renga Challenge 2019: Day 7: Wisteria

Image Source

In the moonlight,

The color and scent of the wisteria

Seems far away.

As far away I think as

My sense of belonging here

Buson & Cie

Notes:

The Hokku (Haiku) stanza of the poem was written by Yosa Buson (1716 - 1784). The Akegu (closing) stanza was written by me.

I have never felt that I belonged in this world. When I was younger, I always hoped I'd find people I belonged with. There have been a few where I feel like they put up with me to a degree or felt sympathy for me, but I have never had a sense of finding my "tribe." The only person I'm really at all close with is my son. I tend to form only very superficial relationships with other people.

Dinners with my mother are perilous and fraught with small talk. She has never approved of any of my choices, and she knows almost nothing about what is really transpiring in my life.

I am not at all close with the other members of my family. I would not recognize most of them if I passed them in the street.

At this point in my life, I do not wish to party and socialize. I have one friend whom I confide in via email, and that means a lot. This friend lives a few thousand miles away from me, so it isn't as if we could get together for coffee.

I have felt a degree of understanding and acceptance from the people participating in this little Tan Renga challenge, which I usually don't get a sense of during such challenges. 

I usually feel as if I am an outsider who has crashed a party when participating in blog hops, and the general sense is "what is that freak doing here at our exclusive soiree?" Some of the blog hops I participate in are very focused on clothing and fashion although other sorts of posts are allowed, and if you don't think I'm an absolute outlier when it comes to fashion, you don't know me at all. I can't afford nice clothes or even new clothes, and I look like an unmade bed most of the time.

One would think that I would feel more at home with creative blog hops, but I usually don't. I've been surprised by the feeling of peace I've gained participating in this one. Maybe it's just that no-one has attacked me yet. Hopefully, we can do without that happening this time.