Blow Your Stack Saturday: An Ugly Tanka

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

you think it's a laugh

making lists of ugly folk

you show your insides

those who are truly ugly

are the ones who make such lists

~cie~

notes

I happened on a list of the "100 ugliest actors," and I wondered how anyone could possibly think it was in any way okay to create such a thing. Whoever spent time creating this mean-spirited list needs to get a hobby, and having a personality transplant wouldn't hurt either.

Something I noticed was that all of the actors on their list were middle-aged and older. Society has a real problem with ageism. 

Further, does the clown who made this list think that these guys owe it to them to fit into their narrow definition of beauty?

I only saw one ugly person associated with that list: the individual who created it. To be clear, there was no picture of this mean-spirited jackass. I knew from the fact that they had created such a hateful document that they were an abomination.

April PAD Challenge 2020 Day 21: Senryu: A Troublesome Choice

Image copyright Ditto Shafarnahariy

a choice I don't love
moving forward, evolving
pragmatic or cold

~cie~

notes

This Senryu addresses my personal dilemma regarding archiving a creative blog that I started in 2011. In fairness, I didn't start heavily using it until 2018. The blog gets a lot of views, but these aren't translating into sales for my work. So I am trying some new approaches. Maintaining this blog was adding to my already heavy workload, so I made the decision to archive it, and I'm not sure it's the right decision.

I created this post for the April PAD Challenge prompt to write a love or anti-love poem.

Like the Haiku, a Senryu is a form of Japanese poetry using a 5-7-5 syllable count. The difference between a Haiku and a Senryu is that a Haiku is about nature and often includes a word indicating the season in which it was written, where a Senryu tends to be about personal matters and is often sardonic in tone.

If you are interested in reading more of my poetry, you can pick up my first published volume for just 99 cents here.

Content copyright 2020 by Cara Hartley

This piece is cross-posted to:

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NaPoWriMo 2020 Day 20 + April PAD Challenge Day 20: A Gift Wrapped in Horror

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

could it be a gift

exposing social failings

in isolation

not everyone has to work

in external location

~sly has spoken~

image copyright juliahenze @123rf.com

NaPoWriMo Day 20: Write a poem about a gift

April PAD Challenge: Write an isolation poem

notes

I have felt for years that certain jobs could be done remotely. This would both reduce the amount of traffic on the road, resulting in reduced pollution and reduced stress levels, and would allow more disabled people the opportunity to work. I would like to think that maybe some companies will see the proverbial light and continue to have certain jobs be done remotely. I won't hold my breath, because experience says that people are stupid, apathetic, lazy, and generally evil, and I don't trust them to do the right thing.

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Many Temples Senryu

Image by Little MiMi from Pixabay

so many temples

away from the daily stress

enlightenment here?

~cie~

notes

I don't want to spend too much time rambling on, but I want to give credit where credit is due. This poem was partly inspired by the prompt, of course, but also inspired by a line from the song She's Come Undone by The Guess Who, which pretty much sums up the way I've felt about things for most of my life.

I know that some people get comfort from religion and I'm not saying they can't. However, I never have. Religion never did anything except make me feel worse about how flawed I am. 

Further, people tend to conflate religion and spirituality. A lot of the time, I believe that there is a higher power and that the soul continues following the death of the body. I believe in the possibility of reincarnation. I don't need to believe in any specific deity or dogma to hold the aforementioned beliefs. 

The Norwegian black metal musician Gaahl said that God is not in some building, God is in nature and God is in each of us. I wish we would extend kindness to one another's souls rather than being hateful to one another for our external differences.

Sometimes I reckon I'm just fucked and there is nothing but a life of pain followed by nothing. That possibility just makes me feel worse, so I try not to entertain it for too long.

Too many mountains, and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches and not enough truth
Too many people and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives to lead and not enough time

 It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun

She's come undone

Carpe Diem Shikoku Island Pilgrimage: Kanjizai-ji Senryu

Image Source

I wonder if you

are there, and can you help me

I am too far gone

~cie~

notes

Kanjizai-Ji is situated in the town called Ainan and is devoted to Yakushi Nyorai or the Buddha of Medicine and Healing. He is still one of the most important Buddhas especially during rituals that are performed at funerals because he is also the Buddha who leads the Buddhists to Nirvana.

Heeding Haiku: Senryu for Sadness

Image Source

never leaving me

I carry you in my heart

sadness, my partner

~cie~

Senryu: The Color Of...

Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay

something unwanted

the color of blood on cloth

in the dark of night

~cie~

notes

I recently wrote about an event that happened closing in on 40 years ago that was more of a turning point than even I realized until I started writing about it. You can read the piece here.

Carpe Diem Love Month: Moonlight Moving: A Fetch Story Poem

Image by Syaibatul Hamdi from Pixabay

the moonlight moving

across a traumatized sky

above a dead world

~cie~

notes

I have not been well. My diabetes has decided to behave in a more completely shitty fashion than it had previously done, so not only do I find myself dealing with the frustration of contending with this garbage condition, I find myself mired in self-loathing because I learned at a young age that anything shy of physical perfection was a personal failure. I will say with unflinching honesty that if it weren't for the fact that I still serve a purpose in assisting my son, I would punch my own ticket. I realize that suicide ideation is an uncomfortable subject, but please refrain from the blah blah counseling blah and blah blah medications blah rhetoric. Counseling doesn't help, and psych meds cause me to become manic and psychotic, two things that I, shockingly, don't enjoy being.

This poem describes the dead world of Zetar 6 (Zecor), a key player in the Fetch Universe. Fetch is Team Netherworld's flagship story, which was born in early November of 2014 when I was working at the retirement community where I would work for close to 11 years. The idea was born when I learned that someone who had meant a great deal to me for many years had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. This person was only 55 years old at the time of diagnosis--the same age that I am now. 

In my shock and grief, I walked through the vast retirement community and was prompted with the idea of finally starting a project that I had envisioned taking on for close to forty years. I had always wanted to write a backstory for the Lights of Zetar, a Star Trek episode which has been universally panned by critics and which has its problems, but has, nonetheless, always fascinated (and scared the bejeezus out of ) me.

The inspiration to finally begin this project and to incorporate it with my beloved Cthulhu Mythos came from a mind other than my own. I will not go into detail except to say that this inspirational individual was noncorporeal, and you can think whatever the hell you want about that, I'm not going to argue with you. I refer to this presence as Gem, and I am deeply grateful to him for the gift he gave me. I am saddened by the fact that when I am gone, the door to this world will close. No-one enjoys my work, and I am well aware of that. My writing style is entirely unappealing to most people, and my personality even more so.

I love you, Gem, but sometimes I am not sure if you possess much in the way of good sense. If you did, you surely would have chosen a scribe who was less of a complete and utter train wreck of a human being to be your co-conspirator.

Love,

cie

Carpe Diem Love Month: Animal Friends: Senryu

all my little friends

there have been far too many

can't do it again

~cie~

notes

There are people who have said to me when I say that I won't get any more cats because I can't bear to lose any more cats that I'm being selfish.

I lost five cats in the space of five years, and I've lost many more before them. There are many that I can't think of without it bringing tears to my eyes. I've also lost quite a few people. I am pretty well numb with grief. I think that it's cruel to tell someone in my position that they are being "selfish" for wanting to avoid further pain. 

Inflicting guilt on someone who is already suffering is the ultimate in thoughtlessness.

Carpe Diem Love Month + Haiku My Heart: Butterflies, my First Love (Senryu)

Image by Schwoaze from Pixabay

lovely butterfly

small girl cries with all her heart

you lie motionless

~cie~

notes

I didn't want to write about romantic love. (Blech.) So I decided to write about one of the two things I loved very much as a child. My first experience with death involved finding a butterfly still on the sidewalk on a cold, rainy day while walking with my father at three years old. I was devastated. 

Fifty-two years have gone by since then. My father is now gone too.

Carpe Diem Love Month: Lost Love Senryu

Image by Goran Horvat from Pixabay

I know all too well

the feelings of hopelessness

many useless tears

~cie~

Carpe Diem Love Month: Senryu: Love at First Sight

Image by Thomas B. from Pixabay

it's love at first sight

losing my heart and my mind

damn fool idea

~cie~

Carpe Diem Love Month: The Day After Valentine's Day: Aftermath Most Despised

copyright Viktor Forbacs

on the day after

a terrible thing was born

broken from the start

it should have been tossed away

why was it allowed to stay

~cie~

notes

I was born the day after Valentine's Day 1965 at 6 of the morning in the middle of a raging blizzard. My life has never been easy and I can't ever remember a time when I didn't think I was bad or wrong. That is what this depressing Tanka is about.

It's kind of sad that I have to say this, but here are the kinds of comments that I don't want to receive for this poem.

"You should consider counseling."

Been there, done that. Some of them were kind of helpful, others were just pill-pushers. It took nearly 40 years for any of them to correctly diagnose my type 2 bipolar disorder. In fairness, type 2 bipolar disorder is a sneaky bitch because it presents with hypomania rather than full mania, so it can be difficult to spot. It's rather like a black and white horse hiding in a herd of zebras.

Also, back in the 1970s and 1980s when I was a troubled teenager, bipolar disorder was called manic depression, and it was considered a psychosis. As my high school psychology teacher said to me when I told her that I saw a lot of aspects of manic depression in myself:

"Honey, manic depression is a psychosis. You're not psychotic. You're just depressed and having a hard time being a teenager."

This well-meaning but ultimately incorrect lady probably just thought I was an angsty Goth girl who read too much Sylvia Plath and melodramatically attributed Sylvia's melancholy poetry to her own overdramatic teenage struggles. In fact, I did see a lot of myself in Sylvia Plath's poetry and I tend to get pissed off at people who chortle knowingly about silly drama queen girls relating to her poetry.

Sylvia Plath and I both had bipolar disorder, and perhaps if a teenage girl is relating to Sylvia Plath's poetry, maybe she's not just a wannabe Goth drama queen, maybe her life sucks and she's depressed or possibly has bipolar disorder. I would love it if society would stop writing off teenage girls' feelings as so much overdramatic frippery.

Also, disabled, on Medicaid, and live an average of 50 miles from the nearest city. I already have to go get P.T. once a week. Not interested in another weekly appointment.

"You should consider medications/get your medications adjusted."

I've been on this planet for 55 years. I've been dealing with mental (and physical) illness for most if not all of them. Do you really think I've never heard this before? Also, for some of us, the "cure" is worse than the problem. I can't tolerate most psych meds.

Further, I have complex PTSD from years of psychological (and sometimes physical and/or sexual) abuse by my peers and "well-meaning" people who wanted to "fix" me. Don't try to "fix" me. 

I already have a chemical cocktail that I have to down every day for all my physical problems, plus I have to poke myself with needles multiple times a day. For those who are wincing about the thought of poking themselves with needles, well, you're lucky if you don't have to, but this aspect of my disease is the least of my problems. I usually don't even feel the needle unless I come at myself from a bad angle. Even when that happens, it's a very minor pain. The needles aren't a big deal. The things the disease can do to my body if I don't use the needles are.

So, yeah. Don't talk to me about meds.

"Wow, this is really depressing. You should try to write about happier stuff."

I write three kinds of poetry: dark, silly, and snarky. Poetry is a way for me to express the deep, inner pain. I am under no obligation to pretty up my poetry because it might make some people uncomfortable.

"Trust that God has a plan for you."

I'm an agnostic. I respect your beliefs. Please respect my lack thereof.

I was a devout Catholic in my youth. However, because I was somewhat unorthodox in my beliefs and was tolerant of those who didn't believe and of homosexuals, I was ostracized and threatened with hell. Even at that, my fellow Catholics were nowhere near as dreadful as the town Fundies. Also, they weren't stupid enough to burn heavy metal records. When that just created a cloud of toxic smoke, I had to laugh. These idiots weren't being countered by any demon, they were just being confronted by their own stupidity.

I'm one of those people who believes that there is a higher power and maybe even personified higher powers. In the interest of brevity, I'll let someone far wiser say it for me.

"Life's hard for everyone. Quit whining about your problems and do something about it."

I do as much as I can every day that I can. I know that life is hard for other people. I'm not talking about other people. I'm only talking about me.

All in all, there is really just one thing to remember.

Carpe Diem Love Month: A Snarky Valentine

arrived in a storm

one day after Valentine's

nobody's sweetheart

~cie~

notes

Don't tell me y'all didn't know it was gonna be snarky.

Trivia for my -666 fans:

I was born in a blizzard at 6 AM the day after Valentine's day 55 years ago. 

A very merry un-birthday to me today.

Carpe Diem Love Month: Rainbow Bridge to the Dreamlands

Image by navallo from Pixabay

in a place beyond

over the storied rainbow

you and I will meet

perhaps in the land of dream

imagined by Lovecraft

~cie~

I will never get over this

I wish he was here with me

notes

I know nobody gives a flying toss about my notes, but since I'm pretty sure no-one will read this post anyway, what do I care?

I am recovering from a mental breakdown and from a TIA. I am trying to move back in the direction of writing what I want to write rather than what I think will make money. My health is precarious and I don't really know how long I have left on this planet. I worry like hell about developing vascular dementia. I'm not too worried about Alzheimer's because there isn't a history of that on either side of my family. My father had vascular dementia. My aunt on my mother's side probably had Lewy body dementia, although nothing was ever really confirmed. Hers seemed to onset more quickly than Alzheimer's tends to, although I have a feeling she was hiding her memory lapses until she couldn't anymore.

The TIAs I have had exacerbate my ADD. I don't have any short-term memory loss, but there is a change in my cognition. I blame this most recent episode on not having adequate insulin (thanks, Medicaid). My P.A. changed up my prescription so hopefully, this won't happen again. It probably could have been changed sooner but she was on maternity leave, and I am reluctant to see another provider. It is critical that I have a provider who treats me with respect and looks at numbers such as A1C, blood glucose, blood pressure and triglycerides (all things I'm taking medications for) as opposed to focusing on the damn number on the scale, which only triggers episodes of self-loathing and restrictive eating. Anyone who thinks that shaming large people (or anyone else) reinforces positive behavior is dead wrong. All that sort of behavior does is makes people avoid seeking medical care for fear of being shamed.

I write a segment called Henry and Henry for the Fetch universe. Henry is my female protagonist Pepper's beloved cat, who passes away suddenly. He is modeled after my Lafayette.

Henry Kalmar is the spirit of a flamboyant, openly gay New Orleans blues musician who commits suicide on the tenth anniversary of his beloved half-sister's death. Henry is modeled after Lafayette Reynolds, my favorite character in the show True Blood. Lafayette was the namesake for my Lafayette. He was played by the very talented Nelsan Ellis, who died on 8 July 2017 at the age of 39 from complications of alcohol withdrawal. Nelsan's sister Alice was murdered by her husband in 2002. This was something that Nelsan never got over.

Nelsan attempted to stop using alcohol on his own because he was ashamed to seek help for his addiction. This, unfortunately, created deadly complications. Here we have an example of how shaming people for addiction doesn't work. If shame worked, there would be no addicts, no fat people, and no smokers. I repeat that shaming doesn't work, it only makes people reluctant to seek medical care for fear of being shamed by ignorant health "care" providers.

I adopted my Lafayette's half-sister or cousin Tara at the same time that I adopted Lafayette. I suspect that both of them were very inbred. They came from the same feral colony. Both of them had to have most of their teeth removed because of feline stomatitis. Lafayette had problems with his fur falling out and scabby skin which I attributed to a grain allergy and began feeding him grain-free food which seemed to help somewhat. I later misattributed some of the signs of system failure to a return of the feline stomatitis and assumed that he would need the rest of his teeth removed. I had no idea, and I will go to my grave blaming myself for being so wrapped up in working that I missed critical signs. I will never forgive myself.

Henry the Cat meets Henry Kalmar in the Dreamlands, and together they become part of the team trying to save the Cosmos from an ultimate threat headed by Nyarlathotep, the smartest and trickiest of the Outer Gods. This ragtag group of reluctant heroes also includes a snarky Swedish spectre, a benevolent Yithian, a sweet-natured but foul-mouthed Scotsman who departs his cognitively impaired body at night to join the fight, a terminally ill British prog-rock icon, and a couple of good-natured ghouls. 

I let the story languish for five years in favor of attempting to write stuff that I believed would sell. It didn't, and I'm not going to back-burner my beloved project any longer. Would I like for it to have an audience? Sure, I suppose, but sometimes knowing that other people are watching prevents me from unleashing my creativity. So, whatever. 

Generally speaking, I am not the kind of person that other people gravitate to. I have kind of a prickly, defensive personality from years of having to defend myself, what do you know? I can count on one hand the people who will respond to this post, and I thank you in advance.

Senryu: Two Hearts

Image by Goran Horvat from Pixabay

do hearts beat as one

does a broken soul get crushed

beneath brutal will

~cie~

Carpe Diem Love Month: Unconditional Love for a Wonderful Friend

One of my best friends always

Lafayette

17 July 2009 - 17 July 2015

you came to see me

in a dream so real I knew

you were truly here

~cie~

notes

I've no intention of arguing the reality of this with anyone, so if you've a burning need to prove me wrong, kindly take it somewhere else.

Lafayette was one of the dearest friends I've had. He truly loved me unconditionally. He did not see me ugly, the way most of the world has. He did not judge my large size or my repugnant face in a harsh way. He did not judge my lack of success or my physical or psychological anomalies. He just wanted to be my friend and he was always very happy to have me come home. He sat with me when I worked. He never would have done anything to hurt me, but things went badly wrong with his body and he was taken from me much too soon.

Today when I slept, I was given the opportunity to be with Lafayette again for a while. I thank the angelic being who gave me this opportunity with all my soul. I thanked him for allowing me to be with my sweet, fluffy kitty once again, for allowing me to be with my dear friend.

When I had to leave that reality and come back to my body, it broke my heart. I wanted to stay with a friend who never saw me through eyes of disappointment or disgust. Still, this experience allowed me to break free from the fear of physical demise that has been plaguing me for many months. I now know that when I leave my body, I will be with Lafayette again.

I have been having a fair bit of trouble physically, and I am not given the assistance I need. The amount of insulin I've been prescribed isn't adequate. I will go for long periods of time without insulin, and it is damaging my body. I am fearful that it will eventually lead to a hemorrhagic stroke because of vascular damage.

I am actually quite good about being compliant with using insulin as necessary. I just need to be prescribed enough to get the job done. I often refuse to eat so I can ration my insulin. This isn't right, none of it is right.

This world has been cruel to me throughout my life. It is a world that is relentless to those who are different. 

By the way, if you're one of those people who feels a need to tell everyone how much you hate tattoos, now would be a great time to shut up about that too. I'm not forcing you to get one. This one is on my shoulder and will be for life.

I've not been doing very well either mentally or physically in some time. I have a strong sense of doom hanging over me, but after my visit with Lafayette, I don't fear it any longer. I just hope I am allowed enough time to get the rest of my shit in order so I don't leave my son with a huge mess to deal with when I'm gone. I worry about him. He really doesn't have anyone he can rely on at all except for me. That's a scary thing, considering how precarious my health is.

Carpe Diem Haiku: Love Senryu for a Troubled World

Image Source

love to change the world

in this troubled atmosphere

hope for better dies

~cie~

notes from nuts

I don't even have the strength to begin addressing all the reasons I feel this way.

Carpe Diem New Beginnings: Reincarnation Wave

shrouded memories

wash to the shore like a wave

lives unremembered

shrouded memories

creeping up from the dark past

preying on my mind

wash to the shore like a wave

I wish I could float away

forgetting this strife

lives unremembered

hiding in my troubled mind

preparing to spring

~cie~

notes

We were given two Haiku by Jane Reichhold (1937 - 2016) with which to create a "fusion-ku," and from there, to create a Troiku. Here are Jane's Haiku. My "sleigh" is a Senryu rather than a Haiku, but so it goes.

a huge wave

thundering across the beach

my birthday

sky-clad

the new-born comes wrapped

in previous lives

Carpe Diem New Beginnings: Senryu: Rainbow

Image Source

it's long overdue

I've been waiting since my birth

where is my rainbow

~nobody~