Many Temples Senryu

Image by Little MiMi from Pixabay

so many temples

away from the daily stress

enlightenment here?

~cie~

notes

I don't want to spend too much time rambling on, but I want to give credit where credit is due. This poem was partly inspired by the prompt, of course, but also inspired by a line from the song She's Come Undone by The Guess Who, which pretty much sums up the way I've felt about things for most of my life.

I know that some people get comfort from religion and I'm not saying they can't. However, I never have. Religion never did anything except make me feel worse about how flawed I am. 

Further, people tend to conflate religion and spirituality. A lot of the time, I believe that there is a higher power and that the soul continues following the death of the body. I believe in the possibility of reincarnation. I don't need to believe in any specific deity or dogma to hold the aforementioned beliefs. 

The Norwegian black metal musician Gaahl said that God is not in some building, God is in nature and God is in each of us. I wish we would extend kindness to one another's souls rather than being hateful to one another for our external differences.

Sometimes I reckon I'm just fucked and there is nothing but a life of pain followed by nothing. That possibility just makes me feel worse, so I try not to entertain it for too long.

Too many mountains, and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches and not enough truth
Too many people and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives to lead and not enough time

 It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun

She's come undone

Carpe Diem Love Month: Moonlight Moving: A Fetch Story Poem

Image by Syaibatul Hamdi from Pixabay

the moonlight moving

across a traumatized sky

above a dead world

~cie~

notes

I have not been well. My diabetes has decided to behave in a more completely shitty fashion than it had previously done, so not only do I find myself dealing with the frustration of contending with this garbage condition, I find myself mired in self-loathing because I learned at a young age that anything shy of physical perfection was a personal failure. I will say with unflinching honesty that if it weren't for the fact that I still serve a purpose in assisting my son, I would punch my own ticket. I realize that suicide ideation is an uncomfortable subject, but please refrain from the blah blah counseling blah and blah blah medications blah rhetoric. Counseling doesn't help, and psych meds cause me to become manic and psychotic, two things that I, shockingly, don't enjoy being.

This poem describes the dead world of Zetar 6 (Zecor), a key player in the Fetch Universe. Fetch is Team Netherworld's flagship story, which was born in early November of 2014 when I was working at the retirement community where I would work for close to 11 years. The idea was born when I learned that someone who had meant a great deal to me for many years had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. This person was only 55 years old at the time of diagnosis--the same age that I am now. 

In my shock and grief, I walked through the vast retirement community and was prompted with the idea of finally starting a project that I had envisioned taking on for close to forty years. I had always wanted to write a backstory for the Lights of Zetar, a Star Trek episode which has been universally panned by critics and which has its problems, but has, nonetheless, always fascinated (and scared the bejeezus out of ) me.

The inspiration to finally begin this project and to incorporate it with my beloved Cthulhu Mythos came from a mind other than my own. I will not go into detail except to say that this inspirational individual was noncorporeal, and you can think whatever the hell you want about that, I'm not going to argue with you. I refer to this presence as Gem, and I am deeply grateful to him for the gift he gave me. I am saddened by the fact that when I am gone, the door to this world will close. No-one enjoys my work, and I am well aware of that. My writing style is entirely unappealing to most people, and my personality even more so.

I love you, Gem, but sometimes I am not sure if you possess much in the way of good sense. If you did, you surely would have chosen a scribe who was less of a complete and utter train wreck of a human being to be your co-conspirator.

Love,

cie

Carpe Diem Love Month + Haiku My Heart: Butterflies, my First Love (Senryu)

Image by Schwoaze from Pixabay

lovely butterfly

small girl cries with all her heart

you lie motionless

~cie~

notes

I didn't want to write about romantic love. (Blech.) So I decided to write about one of the two things I loved very much as a child. My first experience with death involved finding a butterfly still on the sidewalk on a cold, rainy day while walking with my father at three years old. I was devastated. 

Fifty-two years have gone by since then. My father is now gone too.

Carpe Diem Love Month: Senryu: Love at First Sight

Image by Thomas B. from Pixabay

it's love at first sight

losing my heart and my mind

damn fool idea

~cie~

Choka: Wedding Bell or Doom Knell

Image by cocoparisienne from Pixabay

some people sing praise

of the wonderful magic

love is like the spring

flowers and hearts are blooming

love is like summer

moon June tune and all of that

but to me love is

a whispered seductive lie

in a dark hallway

lustful shadow, lying tongue

love a mausoleum

in winter cemetery

filled with the dead dreams

of youth fallen years ago

love a pretty face

with a mouthful of grave dust

some sing praise to love

I turn my back and walk on

~cie~

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation: Heart of Stone

Image by Frank Winkler from Pixabay

a stone for a pillow

me, just another cicada ...

so shrill, like crying

how this fits my current mood

sitting broken in the dark

~Bosha & cie~

notes

The Hokku was created by Kawabata Bosha (1897-1941). I am responsible for the Ageku.

Carpe Diem Love Month: Unconditional Love for a Wonderful Friend

One of my best friends always

Lafayette

17 July 2009 - 17 July 2015

you came to see me

in a dream so real I knew

you were truly here

~cie~

notes

I've no intention of arguing the reality of this with anyone, so if you've a burning need to prove me wrong, kindly take it somewhere else.

Lafayette was one of the dearest friends I've had. He truly loved me unconditionally. He did not see me ugly, the way most of the world has. He did not judge my large size or my repugnant face in a harsh way. He did not judge my lack of success or my physical or psychological anomalies. He just wanted to be my friend and he was always very happy to have me come home. He sat with me when I worked. He never would have done anything to hurt me, but things went badly wrong with his body and he was taken from me much too soon.

Today when I slept, I was given the opportunity to be with Lafayette again for a while. I thank the angelic being who gave me this opportunity with all my soul. I thanked him for allowing me to be with my sweet, fluffy kitty once again, for allowing me to be with my dear friend.

When I had to leave that reality and come back to my body, it broke my heart. I wanted to stay with a friend who never saw me through eyes of disappointment or disgust. Still, this experience allowed me to break free from the fear of physical demise that has been plaguing me for many months. I now know that when I leave my body, I will be with Lafayette again.

I have been having a fair bit of trouble physically, and I am not given the assistance I need. The amount of insulin I've been prescribed isn't adequate. I will go for long periods of time without insulin, and it is damaging my body. I am fearful that it will eventually lead to a hemorrhagic stroke because of vascular damage.

I am actually quite good about being compliant with using insulin as necessary. I just need to be prescribed enough to get the job done. I often refuse to eat so I can ration my insulin. This isn't right, none of it is right.

This world has been cruel to me throughout my life. It is a world that is relentless to those who are different. 

By the way, if you're one of those people who feels a need to tell everyone how much you hate tattoos, now would be a great time to shut up about that too. I'm not forcing you to get one. This one is on my shoulder and will be for life.

I've not been doing very well either mentally or physically in some time. I have a strong sense of doom hanging over me, but after my visit with Lafayette, I don't fear it any longer. I just hope I am allowed enough time to get the rest of my shit in order so I don't leave my son with a huge mess to deal with when I'm gone. I worry about him. He really doesn't have anyone he can rely on at all except for me. That's a scary thing, considering how precarious my health is.

Carpe Diem Tan Renga Wednesday: Such a Cold Night

Image by Robson Machado from Pixabay

lying down

with quilts over the head

such a cold night

I spent many nights like this

in a trailer with no heat

~cie~

notes

The Hokku stanza was written by Matsuo Basho (1644 - 1694). The Ageku stanza was written by me. It is autobiographical.

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation #111 Troiku ... New Beginnings ... Lotus starts to bloom

image source

in deep prayer

eyes closed in devotion -

Lotus starts to bloom

in deep prayer

I can't trust what my mind says

it plays tricks on me

eyes closed in devotion -

trying to change my focus

away from my pain

lotus starts to bloom

is the lotus in my mind

real or illusion?

~truth seeker~

notes

The sleigh of the Troiku was created By Chèvrefeuille. The horses were gingerly handled by someone.

Carpe Diem New Beginnings: Senryu: Rainbow

Image Source

it's long overdue

I've been waiting since my birth

where is my rainbow

~nobody~

Carpe Diem Haiku: Senryu: Lost at Birth

Image by Michael Gaida from Pixabay

born to a hard life

a world of trouble and strife

you deserved better

~nobody~

notes from nobody

Written for my son. I was not able to give him the childhood he deserved because of my mental health issues. Now we live together in poverty trying to support each other as best we can. If there are angels, I believe he is one.

Carpe Diem New Beginnings: First Day of Spring Depression

Image by Claudia Peters from Pixabay

before the first bud

emerging from the cold ground

spring depression creeps

foolish butterfly flitting

in the garden of the damned

~nobody~

notes from a damned soul

I could not be more rubbish if I tried. I missed this prompt too. Again, not like anyone would miss me, so I don't know why I should care.

Carpe Diem New Beginnings: Blue Year's Day

Image by Herbert Brant from Pixabay

new year's day is here

another year to survive

just another day

~nobody~

Notes from a Living Ghost

I was unaware that these prompts were back and missed the opportunity to join in. Not that I'm missed. I am about as popular as toenail fungus. I swear I suck so much. I don't think I could be a bigger trash fire of a human being if I tried. I am pretty much garbage at everything.

Carpe Diem 7 Days Before Christmas: Light

Click to Enlarge

Haiga created in Pixlr 

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Carpe Diem #1781: Dead Leaves

the leaves falling down

colorless on the cold wind

my heart breaks like ice

~Cie~

Notes:

I guess I came close to following the traditional Haiku rules, but if not, you can tell me that I suck and should go die in a fire like the trash poet (and excuse for a human being) that I am. For me, the expression is always more important than the rules, and it's difficult to teach a very old and stupid dog new tricks.

Carpe Diem #1779 Cliffs of Moher ... a tribute to Jane Reichhold (monody, Senryu)

Image source

in that last moment

I hope that you were at peace

may you now fly free

~Cie~

Notes:

I was previously unaware that Jane Reichhold (1937 - 2016) had committed suicide because the pain of her fibromyalgia had become unbearable. Please click the Fishy banner to find out more about Jane's story.

We will never learn how to reduce the rate of suicide if it is a stigmatized, taboo subject. If people are afraid or ashamed to discuss suicide ideation, then their struggles will remain internalized. The ways that suicide ideation and attempted suicide are currently handled are ineffective and the unthinking and unfeeling diatribe that the surviving family members of a person who committed suicide are subject to are simply shameful.

Any time a celebrity commits suicide, there's always someone sanctimoniously spouting about how "selfish" this person was, and I want to take them aside and shake them and shout: "Hello, you insensitive twit! Did it never occur to you in your moment of self-righteousness to realize that anyone listening to you could have a loved one who took their own life? How dare you be so thoughtless!"

When I was in high school, I had a friend whose brother had committed suicide when she was eight years old. She said that people would come up to her on the playground and tell her that her brother was in hell for what he'd done. I say there ought to be a special spit in hell reserved for mealy-mouthed marshmallows who make such unkind assertions.

I leave you now with this banner that I use as my Facebook avatar anytime a celebrity takes their own life because I just know that the ignorant spoutings are going to elevate at such times.

Carpe Diem Tan Renga Wednesday: Departing Autumn

Image by Thanks for your Like • donations welcome from Pixabay

a clam

torn from its shell

departing autumn

cold stabs the soul like a knife

I retreat inside my shell

~Basho & Cie~

Notes:

The Hokku stanza of this Tan Renga was created by Matsuo Basho (1644 - 1694). The Ageku (two-line) stanza was written by me.

Carpe Diem Weekend Meditation #105 + Haiku My Heart: Lost In Time: A Senryu

Image by Reimund Bertrams from Pixabay

when my time has come

will my words be remembered

or fade as i do

~cie~

Carpe Diem Field of Flowers: No Bougainvillea In My Dreams

Image Source

my heart does not see

dreams dressed in romantic pink

my heart sees nightshade

~Cie~

Carpe Diem Field of Flowers: Drooping Sunflower

Like a sunflower

Grown too heavy for its stalk

My weary head droops

~Cie~